willhines.net

I’ll tell you what an ineffective subway ad is. The ads trying to convince you to become a NYC teacher. In particular, “Watch their eyes light up as you explain electricity.” The image of a classroom full of students ANYWHERE, paying rapt attention to me explaining electricity is so ridiculous that not only do I stop believing the ad, but I stop believing all subway ads and even in the existence of the subway itself.

The Channel 102 screening happened Monday night. This was the first one I had attended. People did not seem as excited by our latest installment of Fun Squad, but we got renewed anyway. (For the record, I think this is because we focused [...]

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Today it is raining very hard. I, as always, have lost all my umbrellas. But I had to go to Bedford Avenue (the center of the most ridiculously concentrated amount of hipster energy in NYC) to fax something. So I ran a block to my car and got soaked. Then, inside my 1987 Honda, I held up a T-shirt to the top of the windshield to block the increasingly steady leak which has sprung in my windshield, to stop a stream of water from drenching my crotch as I drove. Also, my right headlight is broken and my left turn signal was ripped out recently. Then I parked on Bedford, and stepped out into a huge puddle. It was [...]

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I need to write in this more. There are like maybe, 10? 15?, people checking this thing for at the very least a mention of their own names every day. And if not that, they’re looking for some kind of seconds-long distraction from whatever work they should be doing on their computers.

Well, folks, the most publicly-discussable topic in my life of late is that I have purchased a new computer, an iMac G5. I’m unemployed and shouldn’t be buying things like this. But the last time I was unemployed, or at least underemployed, was when I lived in Cape Cod in 1995 and at that time I bought a Windows 95 machine. And then I learned computer programming on it. [...]

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So I met Peter Bagge, comic artist of Hate fame and Yeah! “fame” on Saturday night. At the insistence of Julie and Neil, I trucked on down to some gallery in the Lower East side. I didn’t want to go at first, since I was supposed to be writing jokes for my return to stand-up comedy later that night, but Julie and Neil got caught up in their momentum of pushing me to go, and I gave in. And I’m glad I did! Bagge was exactly how you’d hope he’d be: funny and verbal and just uncomfortable looking enough to believe that he is kind of like all the characters he writes.

I [...]

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That’s a goddamned good album.

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Father Danger’s show went up last Monday.
Shooting Fun Squad #3 on Sunday.
Eliza’s show goes up Monday.

My schedule is clearing up. I feel like I need a week in North Dakota in a native American sweat lodge to decompress. Anyone have access to one of those? No? Hello?

I ordered an iMac. It’s in an interesting decision to lay out a few grand on a new toy when you’re not working. A special kind of impractical is Will Hines, he is.

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I responded to the guy who thought I was the Tony Danza site, and gave him the URL of the ACTUAL Tony Danza site so he could send his message. There’s no email address at Tony Danza’s site — you have to register online to send comments, so I just gave my correspondent the URL. Today I get this:

“COULD YOU PLEASE SEND MY E-MAIL BACK SO I CAN FORWARD IT? ITS HARD FO ME TO TYPE WITH THIS DARN STROKE”

Somehow, I feel like this is going to escalate into me moving in with this guy.

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So I used to publish a webzine with my brothers called Spite Magazine. In September 1997 we published a short piece making fun of Tony Danza.

An Open Letter to Tony Danza

Today I got an email written TO Tony Danza from a man who clearly thought that page was somehow an official Tony Danza web site. Why a page which contains the phrase “Dear Tony. Please stop working. You are awful” would seem to be a site for Tony Danza is beyond me. But anyway, I got this email, presented unedited (except I starred out his wife’s name):

“HI TONY JUST NOTE TO TELL HOW MUCH MY WIFE ******* ENJOY YOUR SHOWI THINK IT OULD BE NICE IF YOU HA [...]

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It’s 4:20am.

I’m tired.

I just spent fifteen minutes picking out a CD that I could play while I took a crap, which lasted about 2 minutes. That is an inefficient way to spend time.

Good night.

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My toilet’s broken. The hose from the wall that fills the tank just snapped out of its brace, spraying water all around at a high pressure. My bathroom for one moment looked like a Blondie comic strip or an episode of Perfect Strangers.

I’m a great problem solver when it comes to abstract things like computer programs or picking directors for imaginary movies I haven’t written. But as soon as a problem-solving task requires that my hands get involved, I’m a moron. My landlord told me how to turn off the water, and after I did that I sat and stared at the hose trying to figure how I could fasten it to its brace temporarily until Repair People could arrive [...]

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