Will Hines Dot Net

I’ll tell you what an ineffective subway ad is. The ads trying to convince you to become a NYC teacher. In particular, “Watch their eyes light up as you explain electricity.” The image of a classroom full of students ANYWHERE, paying rapt attention to me explaining electricity is so ridiculous that not only do I stop believing the ad, but I stop believing all subway ads and even in the existence of the subway itself.

The Channel 102 screening happened Monday night. This was the first one I had attended. People did not seem as excited by our latest installment of Fun Squad, but we got renewed anyway. (For the record, I think this is because we focused [...]

Today it is raining very hard. I, as always, have lost all my umbrellas. But I had to go to Bedford Avenue (the center of the most ridiculously concentrated amount of hipster energy in NYC) to fax something. So I ran a block to my car and got soaked. Then, inside my 1987 Honda, I held up a T-shirt to the top of the windshield to block the increasingly steady leak which has sprung in my windshield, to stop a stream of water from drenching my crotch as I drove. Also, my right headlight is broken and my left turn signal was ripped out recently. Then I parked on Bedford, and stepped out into a huge puddle. It was [...]

I need to write in this more. There are like maybe, 10? 15?, people checking this thing for at the very least a mention of their own names every day. And if not that, they’re looking for some kind of seconds-long distraction from whatever work they should be doing on their computers.

Well, folks, the most publicly-discussable topic in my life of late is that I have purchased a new computer, an iMac G5. I’m unemployed and shouldn’t be buying things like this. But the last time I was unemployed, or at least underemployed, was when I lived in Cape Cod in 1995 and at that time I bought a Windows 95 machine. And then I learned computer programming on it. [...]

So I met Peter Bagge, comic artist of Hate fame and Yeah! “fame” on Saturday night. At the insistence of Julie and Neil, I trucked on down to some gallery in the Lower East side. I didn’t want to go at first, since I was supposed to be writing jokes for my return to stand-up comedy later that night, but Julie and Neil got caught up in their momentum of pushing me to go, and I gave in. And I’m glad I did! Bagge was exactly how you’d hope he’d be: funny and verbal and just uncomfortable looking enough to believe that he is kind of like all the characters he writes.

I [...]

That’s a goddamned good album.

Father Danger’s show went up last Monday.
Shooting Fun Squad #3 on Sunday.
Eliza’s show goes up Monday.

My schedule is clearing up. I feel like I need a week in North Dakota in a native American sweat lodge to decompress. Anyone have access to one of those? No? Hello?

I ordered an iMac. It’s in an interesting decision to lay out a few grand on a new toy when you’re not working. A special kind of impractical is Will Hines, he is.

I responded to the guy who thought I was the Tony Danza site, and gave him the URL of the ACTUAL Tony Danza site so he could send his message. There’s no email address at Tony Danza’s site — you have to register online to send comments, so I just gave my correspondent the URL. Today I get this:

“COULD YOU PLEASE SEND MY E-MAIL BACK SO I CAN FORWARD IT? ITS HARD FO ME TO TYPE WITH THIS DARN STROKE”

Somehow, I feel like this is going to escalate into me moving in with this guy.

So I used to publish a webzine with my brothers called Spite Magazine. In September 1997 we published a short piece making fun of Tony Danza.

An Open Letter to Tony Danza

Today I got an email written TO Tony Danza from a man who clearly thought that page was somehow an official Tony Danza web site. Why a page which contains the phrase “Dear Tony. Please stop working. You are awful” would seem to be a site for Tony Danza is beyond me. But anyway, I got this email, presented unedited (except I starred out his wife’s name):

“HI TONY JUST NOTE TO TELL HOW MUCH MY WIFE ******* ENJOY YOUR SHOWI THINK IT OULD BE NICE IF YOU HA [...]

It’s 4:20am.

I’m tired.

I just spent fifteen minutes picking out a CD that I could play while I took a crap, which lasted about 2 minutes. That is an inefficient way to spend time.

Good night.

My toilet’s broken. The hose from the wall that fills the tank just snapped out of its brace, spraying water all around at a high pressure. My bathroom for one moment looked like a Blondie comic strip or an episode of Perfect Strangers.

I’m a great problem solver when it comes to abstract things like computer programs or picking directors for imaginary movies I haven’t written. But as soon as a problem-solving task requires that my hands get involved, I’m a moron. My landlord told me how to turn off the water, and after I did that I sat and stared at the hose trying to figure how I could fasten it to its brace temporarily until Repair People could arrive [...]