Fantastic Four EXTREME

by Will

Okay, here’s my problem with the Fantastic Four movie. Yeah, Jessica Alba was miscast (The Denise Richards syndrome of trying to pass off an eye-makeup laden sex doll as a world-class geneticists doesn’t fly with this former honors geek). And the special effects weren’t quite there. And the villian — the unfortunately-named-if-you’re-trying-to-avoid-stupidity-in-your-movie Doctor Doom, wasn’t given enough time to develop. I think I could ultimately forgive all of that.

No, my problem is one of personal taste. And that is that by the end of the movie, it was clear to me that the only character the director REALLY related to was the Human Torch, and the Human Torch was a dirtbag bully piece of trash — exactly the kind of person I was getting away from when I was reading comics.

I cannot rationally describe this as a fault of the movie. I mean, the Human Torch rang the most true in the movie. He gets most of the fun moments. He extreme bicycles, and extreme snowboards and cockily pursues all women. And the movie felt the most fun at those times — making me believe that the director loved those moments, and that that fun was coming through. But on the other hand, it’s as if Stifler from American Pie was given super powers. Even the music of the movie — lots of Rage Against the Machine-ish stuff (or whatever this decade’s equivalent is) — made me think it was being made for near-metalheads whose lifelong highlight was taking their motocross bikes for a fucking rad wheelie before exploding an M-80 inside of a frog.

That “extreme everything” skater trash is actually a decent interpretation of the Human Torch, who spent his time in the 1960s comics souping-up hot rods and driving around models. But I guess the difference is that in the old comics this is an incidental ingredient, not the main motif. In the comics I remember (and yes, these pre-conceived notions DO make it impossible for me to enjoy the movie on its own terms), the FF was not Jackass in blue jumpsuits. It was a group of squabbling scientists shrinking into the Macroverse to negotiate a treaty with the Skrull World before coming home and discovering liquid light and beating the crap out of Nano-man. It was for geeks!

Despite this problem, I was pleased to see a lot of light, funny moments. Even in its lame movies — which this is one — Marvel seems to remember that it was personal moments that put itself on the map back in 1961.