Will Hines Dot Net

1) Enter the address of your favorite web site here:
http://www.aharef.info/static/htmlgraph/

It represents the HTML tags used to build the page as a sort of fractal flower. It’ll give you a headache to figure exactly which part of your web page corresponds to which part of the resulting flower — but it DOES show you which web sites are simply constructed. Oddly satisfying to do. Try entering http://www.google.com vs. http://www.cnn.com, for example.

2) http://www.wefeelfine.org/index.html
This web site is an art project which scans current blog entries chosen at random across the internet and searching for the phrase “I feel” or “I am feeling”. It then keeps track of the next word following these phrases, and builds graphic presentations based on it. It’s trying to show the “mood” of the Internet.

That kind of mathematical representation of things both scares me and gives me a geeky boner.

Both links courtesy of the blog Monkey Bites.

The number one recommended product for me to buy at amazon.com right now is Ordinary People.

I was talking with a former improv student of mine last night, and he mentioned he was going on vacation on July 14, to which I snapped “Bastille Day!” He asked, “Why is it that you know that July 14 is Bastille Day?” Here is the story of how I know:

A few weeks ago in the UCBT green room, Matt DeCoster said to me “May 9th has to be the most boring sounding date of them all — BY FAR.” I’m pretty sure this was the opening line of the conversation, and I don’t remember what spurred it. What I do remember is Matt, Dave Thunder, Rob Webber and I spent the next 20 minutes debating the point.

May 9 did sound pretty boring, we agreed. But I was sure that Matt had made a snap judgment and that with a bit of time and a cooler head, we could come up with a more boring date. What was boring about May 9, I asked? “It just SOUNDS boring,” exclaimed Matt. He mouthed the words very deliberately “MAY NINE” and then shook his face as if he had just accidentally tasted sour milk. “It’s a TERRIBLE sounding date.”

We agreed. And more importantly, we saw that it wasn’t the content of the day — or what events you might associate with the date — just the sound of the date was intrinsically boring. Fine. I proposed “June 2.”

He considered. “No. Actually, I think ‘June 2′ sounds pretty jovial.” He tried it out, saying “JUNE TWO” followed by an approving nod.

Matt dug his heels in early — I don’t think he would have admitted it even if we had come up with one. But to his credit, I couldn’t come up with one that even *I* thought was more boring, and I desperately wanted to top him. We all agreed September through December were out of consideration because the sounds of the months are rhythmic enough to make all their dates sound interesting. Same with January and Feburary, although I thought January 20th was a contender. “That’s not even close to boring,” exclaimed a bewildered Matt.

“March 10″ was the closest I came up with, which gave us pause. But in the end, those two hard staccato syllables sound at the very least urgent, and maybe even ominous. I pointed out that March is a boring month because there’s no three day weekend, but somehow there wasn’t a boring sounding day in it.

At some point I proposed “July 14″ to which Matt said, “Are you crazy? That’s Bastille Day — it’s one of the most exciting dates of all time.” It broke the rule of evaluating a day based only on what it sounded like, but Matt’s conviction convinced me that Bastille Day was worth making an exception for.

It is very fun arguing with Matt DeCoster.

I’m doing stand-up tonight. Come see. Details here: http://www.willhines.net/2006/05/23/more-stand-up/

• Great interview with Alex Cox, the co-owner of Rocketship Comics, the coolest-sounding comics store ever. He talks about why they don’t have back issues, why their signings rarely feature superhero creators, the direct sales market and which books are surprisingly good sellers. Who knew that All-Star Superman was so reliable?
  http://www.graphiclanguage.blogspot.com/
• The Red Sox have a great infield defense this year for the first time since maybe forever.
• I’m halfway through The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. It takes a while to get going, but I’m digging it now.
• Can’t stop rewatching the “Franklin” episodes of Arrested Development. Only one episode behind on Lost. Have never seen 24. Haven’t watched The Sopranos since season 3, but that’s only because I cancelled cable. Old episodes of Moonlighting are dated, but still fun.
• I helped a homeless-looking fella carry his cart up the steps of Lorimer St. station yesterday. He said “That’s what I would have done!” For a moment, I was hoping he was a super-powerfull jinni disguised as a vagrant waiting for someone to demonstrate compassion so that he could grant unimaginable powers, but he was just a dude.

I am performing stand-up this Friday night. Please come see so you are not left out as I continue to become a national phenomenon.

Details:
Hot Tub
a wet jubilee
Hosted by Kurt Braunohler and Kristen Schaal
Fridays, 9:30 p.m.
The PIT
154 W. 29th St.
btw 6th and 7th Ave.
www.hottubvariety.com
Buy Tickets online here:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/2985

In the Tub May 26th, 2006:
Kevin Allison (The State, Big Flux) will amaze your senses with hilarity. http://www.myspace.com/bigflux
Happy Hour will show a brand new video! http://www.happyhourclowns.com/
Will Hines will cream you with rollicking good-timeness. http://www.willhines.net/
Free To Be Friends’ Betty and Joan will edutain the f*** out of you.

I can’t defend this generalization, but I think it might be true that guys who work out a lot like to use the phrase “rule of thumb.”

Edited to add: there’s no hidden joke in that. I just think it’s a true correlation.

Tonight at around 12:20am, one of the customers of Pete’s Candy Store, the bar across the street from my house, stumbled out onto the sidewalk and started screaming “Ronald Reagan!” at the top of his lungs. He also gleefully kicked a garbage can into Lorimer St and then laughed enthusiastically. I think this was in reaction to someone — my downstairs neighbor, a very polite art director — leaning out a window and telling him to shut up. He had been drunk-talking (screaming) a story with his friends in front of the bar for some time.

I get disproportionately irritated with the loud drunk people in front of Pete’s. Their complete disregard that anyone might be bothered is amazing — sort of like the obliviousness of people who take one step onto a subway car and then stop moving, not even considering that there might be an entire crowd of people behind them who also want to board the car.

This guy was different than the usual Pete’s patron. Pete’s is a cool place, and most of the patrons are hipsters, or recent hipsters and are too tired from being emaciated and from smoking to really put up a loud fuss. This guy looked like an ex-Marine — big, beefy, close-cropped hair, loud guffaws — and looked like he’d be incredibly happy for the chance to get into a fight with anyone.

My question, and I’m asking the hooligans out there in particular: could I get away with hurling water balloons at people like him from my window? I’m a decent shot, and even if I was close — it might be fun to see them wake up with the realization that someone is bothered by them. And for the ex-Marine, it’d thrill me to the center of my bones to see him take a splash of cold water in the face and have to take it out on the garbage can.

As it was, he just called my neighbor in order: a cunt, a bitch and Ronald Reagan — before being driven off by his giggling friend.

Eliza and I went to Film Forum to watch a collection of short cartoons, presented under the banner Cartoons: No laughing matter. I usually hate when cartoons/comics take a defensive posture right from the get-go, but the Film Forum picks good stuff, so we went.

Twas not good.

Channel 102 and Channel 101 have spoiled me, and taught me — that there’s a way to cut your film down to five minutes and still have it be good. You don’t need to linger over your precious special effects, cartoons! I don’t need to hear that sad accordian music you have playing for another ten minutes while your stop-motion baby doll gets scared by growling wallpaper for 18 minutes. And it doesn’t to all be about your goddamned depressing childhoods and your terrible parents! Oooh, so bold! You showed yourself as a misunderstood kid! OOOOOOOOOH! I don’t even give a crap if you’re right! Quit whining! DO SOMETHING, CARTOONS! DO SOMETHING!

A lot of it did LOOK good, though. But that’s not enough!

Separate: Finished Philip K. Dick’s Ubik today. THAT is a fun book.

We launched a new website for Us Magazine yesterday. My brain is still unfolding from having worked hard the past week. What have I learned, while doing this site? That people love Britney Spears. You’re allowed to leave comments on the different articles. Most get 10-20. All posts regarding Britney Spears get 100+ comments, easily. And many many many of them use the phrase “Ooops, she did it again.” When news broke that Britney was pregnant, our server was overwhelmed with traffic and we had to move the site to a machine three times as powerful.

Did the stand-up at Eliza and Glennis’ fundraiser. It went well. I mean, I guess. Who’s to say? I wish a mythic figure with Ultimate Knowledge Of What Is Funny would descend from the heavens and give me a grade.

In an otherwise all-female lineup, Birch Harms and I were the sole performers to be heckled. It wasn’t that bad, as far as hecklers go. He called me boring and yelled for Birch to “shut up.” I think he hated the whole show, but was too chivalrous to yell at the women. Or else Birch and I are above-the-board inciting. Glennis McMurray got in this guy’s face and he shut up. I was impressed with Glennis’ fighting instinct. It never even occured to me that walking up to him and asking him to stop it was an option. I think I’ve started to look at all of my interactions as if they’re taking place over the Internet. I was probably composing a livid blog entry to this guy in my head as Glennis stepped over to him and gave him the business.

The next day, Eliza threw a birthday picnic in Prospect Park. It was a good time, even though subway maintenence made us take 4 trains to get there. I attempted to tackle Kevin during a game of catch, and he just shrugged me off like I was a clinging burr from a thornbush. Humbling. Ryan Rogers and I made a run to get groceries from a nearby bodega. We were trying our best to get skewers for Terry Jinn to make some ambitious hamburgers on the grills. Ryan even asked the not-quite-speaking-English clerks if they had ’skewers.’ Awkward pause, a shaking of the head, and we returned without them. It was a form of heckling, I believe.

I’m doing a stand-up set this Saturday as part of a benefit for Eliza’s musical improv group I Eat Pandas! Benefit? Yeah, they’re going to San Francisco as part of the SF Improv Festival, and are trying to scrounge up cash for plane tickets. Isn’t it amazing that I was able to score a spot in the performance, while also being a boyfriend of one of the people booking the event? Such a weird coincidence!

But hey, I’m trying to break out the stand-up chops more and more. And this really is going to be a good show. Check out the lineup:

Jackie Clarke
Free To Be Friends’ Betty and Joan
Katina Corrao
Birch Harms
Jessica Delfino
Kate Tellers
Will Hines
Bobby Tisdale
and,
I Eat Pandas!

Galapagos Art Space – 70 North 6th Street, Williamsburg NY
8pm Saturday May 13th!

I Eat Pandas alone is a good enough reason to head out for this. I saw 3 shows of their recent run at Under St. Marks and they all kicked ass. 2 standing ovations and smiles all around. This show should be just as good, and plus you’ll have me wryly observing like crazy. I did a version of my set at School Night at UCBT, so if you saw it there and liked it, come on by to see a remarkably similar version!

“Do” stand-up is such awkward phrasing, but that’s the parlance.