Will Hines Dot Net

Today on the way to work I saw a man who must have been over 65 wearing a tight sleeveless grey t-shirt. A muscle T, I believe they’re called. He was pretty muscular, but he mostly looked too old to be sporting the “let’s get in a bar fight” look. It was like someone hit a thuggish dock worker with an insta-aging ray.

Still, I admired the old man’s gumption.

I see that phrase a fair amount: “a rare and beautiful thing.” Most recently in an ESPN baseball article.

Is that phrase part of a quote? Did it definitely originate somewhere?

I keep just linking things mentioned in Journalista, but they’re too good to pass up. Today, a PSA from an old issue of Wonder Woman in which Bob Hope talks about how the Golden Rule (“do unto others…”) exists in all major religions. Strange. Click the thumbnail for a full view, or go to the page where it’s being hosted to also see a contest to win a huge prototype of a rocket shuttle.

Tonight, I watched the Red Sox-Yankees game while sitting in the front row of Yankee Stadium, DIRECTLY BEHIND the stairs to the Sox dugout. Matt Pack had gotten these tickets very last-minute but had no idea how good they were. He called around to a bunch of people to see who could go. He finally got to me, and so at 7:15pm (yes, late) I was stepping out of the D train to meet Pack, James Eason and Aaron Bergeron (all rooting for the Sox) for the game.

When the usher sat us in the very front row, we were so dumbfounded we didn’t even realize at first that we were in fact behind the Sox dugout also. As if fate wanted to drive the point home, David “Big Papi” Ortiz emerged right in front of us and strode into the on-deck area. “Paul Bunyan,” exclaimed Bergeron. Pack was so excited he broke my cell phone while using it to call people, and I was so excited I didn’t mind. The Sox lost but our giddyness would not be daunted. We felt like the Mayors of New York. Mayors who root for the Red Sox.

Who cares, you ask? Well, see, I’m not the kind of guy to ever get free good tickets. I never find good parking spaces at the mall. My apartment is 8 blocks from the subway, with outrageous rent AND I paid a broker to find it. I got a ticket once for crossing between cars on a STOPPED SUBWAY TRAIN. Every movie I want to see is sold out unless I buy the ticket the year before on fandango.com. But then today, the world dropped a Perfect Baseball Ticket into my hands, so I’m celebrating.

Some observations:

• Baseball looks amazingly scary and difficult when seen up close. Every foul ball gave Eason and I heart attacks, which is also because we are feeble and weak.
• The Sox’ $50 million dollar pitcher Dice-K came up to the top of the dugout to watch Mariano Rivera pitch.
• In the 8th Inning, Josh Beckett and the pitching coach came up to watch. Ortiz stood up and stretched his arms around both of them and whispered things in confidence. No I couldn’t hear but I like to imagine he was whispering whatever magic words he uses to get home runs whenever he feels like it.
• Kevin Youklis swings his bat in strikingly fast near-vertical chops when warming up to hit. He also ran a ball in and tossed it into a kid’s glove standing in the aisle next to our seats. The kid was a jerk, but Youklis is nice.
• Jason Varitek ran from home plate to third base extremely fast when he had to cover it.
• Manny Ramirez is a giant of a human being.
• Alex Rodriguez looks like spoiled kid when he cheers for himself. Derek Jeter makes everything look like a highlight. Regardless of this and all other things they are both by definition Evil.

Separate baseball note: I don’t know anything about Curtis Granderson, except that he plays for the Detriot Tigers, and that today he used his blog on ESPN to congratulate kids in Detroit Public Schools who won an essay contest he ran. It’s so simple, unaffected and generous that I just feel like linking to it, so here I go:
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/blog/index?entryID=2880314&name=granderson_curtis

Last night after stand-up, a guy in the audience told me I reminded him of some other comedian. He then proceeded to name every bald comedian I have ever heard of: “David Cross! No, wait, not him… Todd Barry! No, no… Dave Atell? Hmm, let me think…”

I don’t really mind, but I do forget that as I lose more and more hair that my lack of it becomes my defining physical characteristic. I become “the bald guy” the way that Hurley on Lost is “the fat guy” or the only black guy on a show is “the black guy.” (I was trying to come up with a specific example for that, but all I could think of was how Ernie Hudson was “the black Ghostbuster“). We humans do love to simplify, categorize and label, which does not offend me since it’s part of what makes humans able to work together. Centuries down the road, our species’ ability to logically group ideas will be what helps us win the Insect Wars, so I’m cool with it.

But for fun, I’m trying to think of what other attributes dominate our perceptions to the point where we reduce people to that one adjective. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

• the fat guy
• the bald guy
• the tall guy
• the short dude
• the Harvard guy
• the girl
• the black guy
• the guy who has a black belt
• the computer guy

That’s all I got. Am I even close to right on this?

Hello. I am performing a set of stand-up comedy at the following show Monday night:

Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete’s

Monday, May 21st
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
(L train to Lorimer, or see petescandystore.com for directions)

7:30-8:45pm, starts on time

Free candy, no cover
Featuring Ray DeVito, Calvin Cato, Cody Hess, Will Hines, and Geoff Jackson.
Pete’s Candy Store is pictured above.

There you go!

• Two years after the fact, there’s a fan site for The Fun Squad.
• When I get home from work, the first thing my cats seem to do is run to the litter box and squeeze out a severely rank tube of poop. Are they trying to drive me away, or is it just that they don’t feel safe doing that unless I’m stomping around?
• I just finished watching the six episodes of The Sarah Silverman Program and I think it’s genius.
• The coffee shop episode of Stella is good, too. I just saw that as well.
• Have a fine Friday.
• We still need extras for Sunday if anyone’s around.
• Joe Jackson’s second album I’m The Man is a great example of short, angry, melodic new wave songs. When I say “new wave” I mean the kind with fast steady budda-budda-budda bass lines.

Hey all. I’m directing a film this Sunday starring Sue Galloway and Danielle Cook. It’s about 2 girls at a party who get jealous of a baby for getting all the attention. We need extras to be people at the party. We’ll be shooting from 1pm-6pm in Williamsburg. If you can help out, let me know and I’ll send you the details! Thanks.

Alan Moore, author of Watchmen, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Swamp Thing, got married this weekend. The author of Sandman took those pics. I would like to believe that the couple consummated the union by growing pear-shaped fruits out of their shoulder blades and exchanging them.

Here’s the first page of Watchmen for those who have never read it. And a page from Sandman while we’re at it. Both of those links are from Stephen Frug’s analysis of 100 great comics pages. All of these links via Journalista.

Curtis and John’s Adult Swim show “Fat Guy Stuck in Internet” premiered last night. That’s pretty fun, right? The whole show is hilarious, with my favorite moments being the Watcher-Teacher scenes. And also earlier during the 1/3rd of a second that ‘The Fun Squad‘ is visible on Gemberling’s computer (look for it immediately after the title screen).

Two acronym-dependent plugs:

Tonight: The Channel 102 hit SIAS (Sexual Intercourse: American Style)
All 8 episodes (five minutes each), including the never-been-seen finale
Thursday at 9pm
Union Hall, Park Slope Brooklyn
702 Union Street at 5th Ave.

Tomorrow night: Terry Jinn presents: ENORMOUS TELEVISION (ETV)
Terry rocks the guitar while all his friends join in on various instruments and songs.
Galapagos Art Space
70 North 6th Street – b/t Kent & Wythe
(L to Bedford Ave, exit N 7th St and Bedford Ave)
Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY
Starts at 7p FOR FREE!

Have a good day.