Will Hines Dot Net

I would like to borrow from one of you people these books: The Golden Compass and Love in the Time of Cholrea. Either that or I need to find a branch of the library near my house. The only library near my work, ironically, is the big famous Fifth Avenue library with the lions out front — which does not let you take out books!

I finished Flannery O’Connor’s short story collection A Good Man Is Hard to Find. It’s pretty damn good, if a bit ponderous. Coen Brothers movies remind me of her stories — everything is creepy and eccentric and slow. Also, they all start with quirky, funny character descriptions — but then somehow heighten to a final two page sequence where something HORRIFIC happens. I’ll finish one on the subway and look up and want desperately to talk to someone as if I’m trying to shake off a chilling nightmare. It’s amazing that she reaches that weird place each and every time, but she does.

She seemed to be forever angry at mothers; at prideful people; at people falsely religious; at Protestants; at people who claimed to not be racist. At 26 she was diagnosed with lupus, which had killed her father — maybe that’s why (she died of it at 39). Her sickness made her move back to rural Georgia after having lived at grad school in Iowa, in New York City, in Connecticut — maybe she was pissed off at having to be out in the sticks?

At any rate, she has my favorite titles of all time: epic and compelling and grand: Everything That Rises Must Converge; The Violent Bear It Away; A Circle in The Fire.

Other titles that I have loved: The Turn of the Screw; Tender is The Night; Everything is Illuminated; The Sun Also Rises; My Aim Is True; Human Diastrophism; The Fog of War; One Hundred Years of Solitude; Pale Fire; The Dark Knight Returns. You heard me.

Please to now be reminding me of great titles I have forgotten.

Today I am searching for clips on YouTube of American Idol judges making catty comments. I can’t use audition segments — has to be about the contestants. It’s harder than you’d expect. Not you would have before this moment made an estimation over how difficult that particular task would be.

Edited to add: Here’s what I got: http://news.aol.com/newsbloggers/2008/01/30/democratic-debate-idols/

Today is Dad’s proper birthday as opposed to any “Dad’s Birthday Observed.”

Happy birthday, Dad! In this picture, Kevin is explaining why the “He-Man Christmas Special” is a funny gift to get.

My Dad is:

• a fairly staunch Republican,
• a cartoonishly nonverbal conversationalist
• OCD about keeping his personal belongings square and lined up,
• a former negotiator of aerospace technology specializing in non-American clients
• a current aide to elementary school special ed teacher
• a native of Cleveland Ohio and die-hard Browns fan
• one of these guys who can fix everything
• an apologist for the show Two and A Half Men to his snobby children

I enjoyed today’s video on ucbcomedy.com greatly:

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“The Stupidest Man in The World”

A list of every reason that David Banner got angry and turned into the Hulk on The Incredible Hulk. Thank you, A.V. Club.

Got my credit card cleared up!

I ordered a new iMac on Saturday, only to discover that there has been a “fraud hold” on my credit card since around January 2. However, there’s been no fraud — it’s comes from my increasingly eccentric efforts to ignore any communication from corporations, including ones whose services I use.

I get a lot of junk mail from Citibank, my credit card provider, offering me programs that give me discounts on shopping at various stores, or rental cars, or credit reports — or other things I don’t want. I long since started throwing out anything from Citibank that wasn’t clearly a bill. Unfortunately, that also means I threw out a new credit card that was sent to me in December to replace my expiring one.

When I notced my card was expiring, I called to request a new one, and they said “We sent you one.” “I probably threw it out,” I replied. “Send me another and I”ll keep an eye out.” That initiated a red flag of some sort on my account. My (second) new card arrived five days later and I activated it via my cell phone. But the number that Citibank has on my account is my land line — a number I stopped using two years ago since all I got was telemarketing offers. Now I have two red flags — a request for a second card and an activation from a phone that’s not on record as my actual phone.

Citibank tried to phone me, but like I said my land line is unplugged. They sent me letters which I threw out without opening.

So on the phone on Saturday, they asked me a series of questions from my credit report. What that last amount I paid against my mortgage (don’t have a mortgage, though I got a pre-approval for one in an amount I don’t remember)? What was the year of the car you purchased before December 2005 (well, I bought a Honda for one dollar from a friend, do you have a record of that? And I don’t remember what year it was anyway). Which of these was the license plate of the last car you had registered (don’t remember, at all)? Which of these streets have you lived on? (none sounded familiar, but I’ve had probably 20 addresses since graduating college). The guy felt bad and threw me a bunny — What’s your father’s middle name (a security question I had set up some time ago) but I was flustered and gave my mother’s maiden name. I started worrying they were gonna send the cops to my apartment right then.

I got all questions incorrect — resulting in a THIRD red flag on my account.

So now I have to go into a bank on Monday with some ID and get a teller to eye witness that it’s me, and to call Citibank and put me on the phone to correct everything.

The odd thing is: I don’t really mind. I like that there are guards against fraud. And I like that I’m successfully becoming enough of a hermit that this big corporation can’t get to me unless I’m expecting them to. I know it’s shooting me in the foot, but I like being off the grid.

Things I could have answered: the names of the last five improv groups I’ve been in. The passwords for any of my work email accounts of the last ten years. The last 10 discs I’ve gotten from Netflix. My favorite Elvis Costello albums, in order. Booyar’s last five gifts to Kevin Hines.

Rob Lathan, Mitch Magee and myself did this video last weekend called “That Guy” — it’s a version of a piece we did for our old sketch group Game Face.

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It may look like a mere two-minute conversation on the surface, but I believe it showcases Rob’s genius for halting, not-quite-helpful descriptions. And we get a surprise appearance from Frank Cramp, one of the most beloved characters in all of American cinema.

One day after writing about fake compliments, I asked Mitch Magee to critique a video I had just finished. I had time to make one more pass so now was the time, I said. He offered some suggestions and it plunged me into a horrible mood for about half an hour. Clearly, I WANT fake compliments as opposed to honest comments.

We went to see No Country For Old Men to patch things up. Violent nihilism can heal, people! (I liked this movie much more, even with knowing what was coming).

I’ve been making videos at a rapid clip lately, and plan to keep up the pace — hoping to hit one on the screws. Because I’m grinding them out, they’re not all gems. But friends try to be supportive regardless. I can sorta tell when it’s genuine “Hey, that’s great!” or “Hey, you…. finished something!” I love both kinda of support, by the way.

But what do friends of bad movie directors say when the directors release their terrible movies? What did friends of the guy who directed One Missed Call say at the premier? “Cool you got to make a movie, dude!”

Also, I’m almost done with my latest Channel 102 submission: Connery and Danza.

I think it would be fun to set a profile picture on a dating site of oneself sobbing uncontrollably.