Will Hines Dot Net

The Octopus Job. Written by Joe Wengert. Starring John Gemberling and Tim Martin. Directed by me. Edited by Carmen Angelica and Nate Dern. Crew by Brett White. A few profanities.

I enjoy this! My favorite line is Tim Martin’s read of “I’m not playing HARDBALL.”

Observation: Sherlock Holmes, Superman and Dracula are all immensely popular characters whose stories are known across many countries, nations and cultures.

Second Observation: They all wear capes.

Hypothesis: Wearing a cape makes a fictional character exponentially more popular.

Experiment to Test: Write a story in which all characters are described as wearing capes. Publish. Measure worldwide fame after two weeks.

Here is my story:

Roderick and Helen

The train rumbled over the border of Pennsylvania into Ohio. Lake Erie was emerging into view at the northern horizon. In a sparsely appointed third class compartment, Roderick leaned over to Helen.

“I need to know where the body is.”

“He’s dead. Forget him.” She was fussing with her bracelet, whose clasp was annoyingly loose.

“While there’s a body, there’s evidence and we are still in danger.” Sweat was glistening just in front of his ears.

“All you need to know is I’ve disposed of him as we discussed. The less you know beyond that the safer we both are. What if we’re caught? You couldn’t confess enough to put me in danger, much less you. ”

“Don’t be foolish. If either of us is caught we’re both in danger. Tell me where the body is, so I can help put this matter to rest.”

She drew a pistol with one hand and a pillow with the other. Shocked, he could only stare as she placed the pillow against his stomach and fired twice into it.

“There, now it’s to rest,” she said. “I’m staying with my husband and now you know where the body is.”

“You used the pillow as a silencer,” he gasped.

“As we discussed.”

He collapsed, blood pooling in his cape. She got up and left the car. She was also wearing a cape.

See you in two weeks, when I’m a world-famous authors succckkkaaaaaas!

Sean Clements, author of some of my favorite videos I’ve gotten to direct including Snapple Facts and Checkmates, is writing for a new show that will be on MTV soon called Popzilla. Here’s a sample of that show:

I’ve never heard of Britney Spears — is she an author?

Comedian Bob Powers hosted Topsham Pantsuit and read from his funny book The Terrible, Horrible, Temp-to-Perm Debacle: Book Two in the Just Make a Choice! Series.

It’s an updated Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book, but instead of time machines or secret agents this one is about a 33 year old aspiring writer/alcoholic who is trying to avoid becoming a permanent employee at his company. I liked it.

And it made me think of books! Funny books! What are great funny books? The best in my opinion is Woody Allen’s Without Feathers.

Published in 1975, it’s a collection of short humor pieces Allen had written, mostly for The New Yorker. It’s worth it for the opening piece “Selections from the Allen Notebooks” alone. Here’s the opening paragraph, which makes me smile now as I type it:

Getting through the night is becoming harder and harder. Last evening, I had the uneasy feeling that some men were trying to break into my room to shampoo me. But why? I kept imagining I saw shadowy forms, and a 3 a.m. the underwear I had draped over a chair resembled the Kaiser on roller skates. When I finally did fall asleep, I had that same hideous nightmare in which a woodchuck is trying to claim my prize at a raffle. Despair.

My dad got it for me when I was in ninth grade, when he was in Heathrow Airport, after noticing that I had been watching Woody Allen movies. I still have that book — one of the few I refuse to give away as I re-read it probably once every six months.

Besides “Selections”, Without Feathers also has:

• The one-act plays Death and God, both hilarious
• A Guide To Some of Lesser Ballets
• Match Wits With Inspector Ford — a parody of Encyclopedia Brown type of books.
• “The Whore of Mensa” — a story about a brothel whose women don’t offer sex but instead look intellectual and will bullshit about books with you. It’s one of two Mickey Spillane-type pieces I’ve read by Allen, which are both awesome combinations of overdramatic nonsense and silliness. This is the opening of “Whore of Mensa”:

One thing about being a private investigator, you’ve got to learn to go with your hunches. That’s why when a quivering pat of butter named Word Babcock walked into my office and laid his cards on the table, I should have trusted the cold chill that shot up my spine.

“Kaiser?” he said. “Kaiser Lupowitz?”

“That’s what it says on my license,” I owned up.

“You’ve got to help me. I’m being blackmailed. Please!” He was shaking like the lead singer in a rumba band. I pushed a glass across the desk top and a bottle of rye I keep handy for nonmedicinal purposes.

I like the name “Word Babcock.”

So what are other funny books? GOOD ONES. My nominees:

• Keith Giffen’s Ambush Bug comics
• Don’t Point That Thing at Me by Kyril Bonfiglioli
• Any of those Jeeves novels by P.G. Wodehouse

And I don’t know what else.

Performing stand-up tonight at 9pm at the New York Comedy Club. $10 plus two drink minimum. Dear lord, right? Yeah, I know. Well, people have asked when I’m performing and it is happening tonight! Come out for some truthfully wry anecdotes and barbs! Jim Mendrinos headlines!

Details on this facebook page!

Almost three years ago, I wrote a post about how that Great Britain seemed to produce great bands whereas America produced great solo acts — and was that indicative of the two cultures? I threw in how I couldn’t understand why British music magazines made a big deal about the Oasis album “What’s the Story Morning Glory?” About once a month someone adds a comment, usually just listing their favorite bands. Sometimes I get a fun one from someone angry and me and at American for being so shitty with their music. Like this last one:

morning glory’s up there on most british music charts solely because of its cultural significance and its meaning. Definitely Maybe’s a much better album and that and the stone roses would be me favourite albums. British rock music has always been better in me books, whilst American rock music is a poppier, little shithead shadow of British genius. The Who, Oasis, Stone Roses, Small Faces, T Rex, The Jam, The Clash, Sex Pistols, Rolling Stones, Beatles, Pink Floyd, Blur, Ocean Colour Scene, The Smiths, David Bowie, The Jimi Hendrix Experience(yes they were british and remember jimi was a one hit wonder in the us who said he wanted to be buried in london), The Kinks, yardbirds, damned, fall, buzzcocks, joy division, charlatans, primal scream, happy mondays, the specials, madness, cream, kasabian, pulp, slade, the verve, the cure, the beat, steel pulse, selecter, bad manners. radiohead are shit, extremely overrated garbage whos main audience are middle class left of wing artistic tossers who seem to own the media, and these blogs, who’ve never created anything of any cultural significance in the manner morning glory did for 1990s britain, defining an era, which is what you yanks will never get about the album. the byrds, iggy pop, stooges, ramones, grateful dead, bobby dylan, jefferson airplane, 13th floor elevators, pixies, chili peppers, strokes. despite this sprinkling of west coast psychedelia and proto punk with abit of alternative i cant stand american music, just a lame shadow of british. you may have invented rock and roll, but bands like the who, yardbirds, small faces evolved out of mod rnb a reaction against rock n roll, so no they wouldve come about without the primitive version of rock sepos invented. rolling stones were originally a blues band, and most of their first few albums were blues covers(which ill give to you, was influenced by black american blues players) and the beatles out of beat music. You claim to have invented punk, but punk evolved out of the garage scene that bands like the who invented. n u later desecrated with hardcore and tweeny pop punk. british music reigns supreme.

Funny. He even typed out “me” instead of “my.” Is that a joke?

Red Shoes, by Elvis Costello and the Attractions on Top of the Pops, 1977. Probably my favorite of all his songs if I had to pick one. The music is happy and soaring, the lyrics are bitter and self-impressed without being too complicated. Me likes! The first line “I used to be disgusted, now I try to be amused” is an almost-too-on-the-nose description of the philosophy of everyone that I know!

Here’s a fast punky live version from 1978, and then a solo version he did two years ago in Albany.

YouTube had it on my personalized front page and I am now sharing it with you people.

Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on Galactus. Made me laugh.

Look, just do this, okay? I’m asking you to play what essentially is an interactive story. It’s called a text adventure, but that’s a terrible name. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, just please do this. It’s an interactive story called “Photopia.” You play characters in the story and have to interact with the other characters, but it’s very simple and there are instructions. The whole experience will take about 20 minutes, tops. The story is beautiful and fun and almost brought me to tears and I recommend it wholeheartedly and I really won’t take no for an answer. Porter Mason, I’m looking at you.

The only tricky part, and it’s not that tricky — is you have to download one or two thing:

So play it. Then come talk about it with me. That’s all. Don’t make faces! You will like it. Forget EASY media! You can watch movies anytime.

C’mon! Just DO it! It’s not that hard. Think of it as a really cool pizza place that you have to drive around a bit to get to. It’s a pain but it’s worth it. All good things take trouble. I co-hosted Topsham Pantsuit and instead of banter or even warmed-over jokes I just kept talking about this game. I’ve probably destroyed my nascent career and the least you could do is just play this stupid game.

Mitch Magee performs the theme song for our old sketch group GameFace. GameFace was me, Neil Casey, Rob Lathan, Mitch and Joe Wengert. Our last show was in 2005 or maybe even 2004?. These vocals were recorded yesterday. Download the GameFace theme here.

Those are Mitch’s feet.

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