Will Hines Dot Net

May I improv nerd out a bit here? Big improv night tonight at UCBT-NY.

First of all, I get to sit in on the Reuben Williams show at 10:30pm, a huge thrill in itself — but even more fun is I’m playing with my brother, Erik Tanouye, Gavin Speiller and Jon Gabrus. Put in terms of Harold Night-ness: that’s three 1985ers and two fwandies. All you people who used to love watching 1985 and fwand on Harold Night check it out. Whoever is funnier between Gavin and Gabrus wins. Also, there’s a high chance for a scene about two vampires playing rugby versus Albert Pujols. Yes, that is an endorsement.

Secondly, Omelette Vision at 7:30pm: Secunda, Delaney and Conroy. Three Godfathers of NYC improv. Old timers rave about the Swarm for a reason: they’re still the only team I’ve ever seen to be hilarious, patient, smart and absurd in every single show they ever did. Just as likely to be three Frenchman arguing over what is appropriate way to tailor a suit as they are to have a slow-motion dart fight. Improv students, get your asses to this show.

And finally: it’s Curtis Gwinn’s last regular Roo Roo show at 9pm. Roo Roo will continue to be great, but it’s definitely the end of an era with Curtis going to L.A. I got to be on a team with this guy, and I will attest to his hilariousness and his craziness — both essential parts of a great comedy operation. Roo Roo breaks the rules and then made them work again – they call each other out but somehow avoid straight-up denying. They make the most fantastical and absurd characters, but play them like real and smart people. They use their own real reactions to each other as people just as often as they yes-and the improv choices. They’re smart and fun and daring and joyful and crazy and one of the best teams in UCBT-NY history, and a lot of all that is because of their papa bird Curtis Gwinn. That guy is always funny, always listening, always reacting with a big honest bold choice. A dude who has gone through some crazy times while also being the biggest comedy nerd in a sea of them. Just as likely to be the perfect straight man as is he likely to look at you and make you Robocop just because he’s bored. A great improviser! A great team! They’ll be great next week, but it will be different. So come out tonight improv nerds and burn the show into your retinas so we can transcribe into stone and prove to the future that it mattered. BOOM!

So the awesome video group The Landline had to take down their very-funny parody of DirectTV’s ads starring Chris Farley. Not sure why, but I bet it’s because they used DirectTV’s logo, or maybe clips from movies. But it’s a parody – -and a clear one — not an attempt to re-sell or re-broadcast someone else’s work. But corporations get very touchy when they use their logos at all without their permissions.

AND THAT IS BULLSHIT! SUCH BULLSHIT! I can’t express with simple words how angry it makes me feel. I don’t care about the letter of the law on this. My emotional reaction is this: I walk through New York City, BOMBARDED with advertisments at all times in all mediums — signs, billboards, people handing me flyers, barkers, televisions in taxis, subway announcers saying “top of the rock” — I am constantly on the business end of emotional manipulation from corporations. Yet whenever one of us tiny ants points even the tiniest gun back there’s lawyers and formally worded cease-and-desist letters and scolding tones from security guards.

I have written before about the Apple Store’s pinheaded policy of stopping people from filming the exterior of their super-public-building at 5th avenue and 59th street. My sentiment here is the same: it is not fair for a rich corporation to be able to bombard me with images and messages but refuse me the same right. I didn’t ask for that billboard, that barker, that banner ad, that building! You can’t copyright public space when it’s unsolicited.

We could nitpick the details of when they do have the right to their own intellectual property, but my gut truth is: corporations want control first, even before money, and we must TAKE IT BACK!

I want to start a channel of parodies whose sole purpose is to manipulate these images in a powerful, contagious way to take back the public space of imagination away from those who use their lawyers and money to try and control me! Yes I sound like a lunatic with strings on his fingers and stacks of newspapers filling his bedrooms — but I am RIGHT! In this, I am right!

So someone help me do this.

Lumbered over to the nearby high school this morning and cast my vote in the mayoral contest for William C. Thompson, Jr. I think Bloomberg is a more talented man by far, but I can’t get over how he flipped term limits just because they applied to him. The executive branch executes the law, right? So it shouldn’t just change the laws that limit their personal ambition, right? Right? Jesus, someone tell me I’m right.

No, I’m right. No one is indispensable!

(I wonder if this is how it felt to vote for Perot in 1992. A combination of principled but also “Am I being an idiot?” combined)

Separately, I have a sketch show I’ve written inspired by this very topic called “Bloombergville” — it is up as part of a “workout” slot on Wednesday November 11th at 7pm (a week from tomorrow). Written by me, directed by Erik Tanouye. Starring me, Silvija Ozols and Ben Rameaka. Seriously! I know this is out of nowhere.

Ridiculous request: can someone make me a graphic for this? Full title “Bloombergville: On the Run in NYC 2017″

CONS: It makes you look like a pretentious douche. Or maybe like a tiny-dicked angry person reading Nietzche prominently like Kevin Kline’s character in A Fish Called Wanda. It’s heavy. It’s dense and rambly with lots of big words hanging off of run-on sentences and therefore takes mental energy.

PROS: It’s more fun than you’d think. There’s more funny parts than I remember. The dramatic parts are very cool. Melville seems crazy but he seems to know it. You feel like a smart person. You feel like an American.

If nothing else, you should read the first paragraph if you’re a New Yorker. Ishmael is explaining why he feels the need to go to sea, and the way he describes himself feeling depressed in NYC (wanting to knock people’s hats off of their head, stopping in front of coffin stores) feels accurate to me!

Call me Ishmael. Some years ago — never mind how long precisely — having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off — then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the ship. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean with me.

Whole book here.

My deli (Hana Food) on Metropolitan Ave might be very funny. They like to rename their sandwiches constantly. Like this new Kanye West sandwich! They also name a lot of stuff after Shrek characters, which is fun and gets more fun the more out of date that is.

Ptolemy and Shelly Slocum are moving to Los Angeles. I miss them already! And our improv community lost two more great actors! Go forth and have greatness, Slocums! Terry Jinn wrote a nice good-bye to them on The Apiary.

9/11/2001 was so crazy and big and scary and world-changing, certainly New-York-City changing, that I would not think to try and explain it.

What I CAN explain is 9/11/2002 — because on that day, when everyone was super-conscious it had been JUST ONE YEAR SINCE 9/11 — the Brooklyn Academy of Music offered free screenings of the movie “Manhattan” as a sort of “let’s just see a movie and feel good about our city” thing. So I went. My life was a mess. The city was a mess. But the opening to this movie really did put me in the best mood. Rhapsody in Blue, great shots of the city and funny narration from Woody Allen, in that order. So here it is.

There’s only one shot of the World Trade Center in this montage — in the fog at about :40 seconds in — but it’s more the spirit of just being amped about the city that matters. If you don’t enjoy this montage I think you should move out of New York City forever and that is fair.

P.S. I can’t find a GREAT copy of this clip. This one has good quality but is the wrong aspect ratio. I found one with the right aspect ratio that was too blurry. I blame yellowjacket bees.

P.P.S It’s also somehow very entertaining watching a scene in another language (Italian? Spanish? I am a rube) with no subtitles.

Terry and Ptolemy - photo by Keith Huang

During the Del Close Marathon, I ran over to Kenny’s Castaway to watch and perform in Terry Jinn’s Enormous Television 7. The comedians pick the songs, and Terry and his band perform them. It is a blast — supportive and enthusiastic audience, good performances, and smiles all around.

I performed “Hey Jealousy” by The Gin Blossoms.

If you don't expect too much from me - photo by Keith Huang

Known mostly as a throw-away, that song is one I love truly. Always have! Joe Wengert, to this day, will text me whenever he hears it being played in public to make fun of it and me for my devotion to it. But it’s great! Simple and sad and hopeful. And I love the line “You can trust me not to think, and not to sleep around.” What an odd promise! Also, the story of its songwriter Doug Hopkins (kicked out of the band for being a drunk, only to see his song become a top 40 hit, after which he killed himself in rehab) makes the song ten times more fascinating.

And that is why ETV is more than just a karoke show. The singers, most of whom are not great singers, are picking songs they truly love — and they’re good enough performers to let that happiness come out. Comedy sometimes encourages you to be a dick, but in the end audiences like to watch people be happy and be in love. Right? Joy is contagious.

Honestly, everyone in the show was great. But my favorite was Jazzy James Eason, who sported some kinda extra-long shiny suit for his performance of Purple Rain.

Just trying to be some kinda friend - photo by Keith Huang

Don’t let anyone tell you James Eason is not a great showman. Dyna and I went to ETV 2.5 years ago and watched James kick the shit out of  “Another Brick In The Wall” — while reading the lyrics off of a music stand. I also think James might not be able to sing. But I never notice because he sells that shit. Tabitha did not take out her camera until James strutted out in that suit but then she was camera crazy from that point forward.

If I list anyone else, I’ll end up leaving people out. But I almost never feel happier than after the ETV show, and I think everyone else involved feels the same way. Happy Birthday, Terry!

Keith Huang took great pictures of the night.

Tony Carnevale – The Boys Are Back In Town (Thin Lizzy)
Ari Scott – You Give Love a Bad Name (Bon Jovi)
Mark Lee – White Room (Cream)
Shannon Manning – I’m Not Like Everybody Else (The Kinks)
Ernie Privetera – Epic (Faith No More)
James Eason – Purple Rain (Prince)
Will Hines – Hey Jealousy (Gin Blossoms)
Jessica Allen – Don’t You Want Somebody to Love (Jefferson Airplane) [with slight mash-up with Jumpin' Jack Flash (Rolling Stones)]
Tara Copeland – Sister Christian (Night Ranger)
Kirk Damato – Surrender (Cheap Trick)

INTERMISSION

Marc Liepis – Owner of a Lonely Heart (Yes)
Maddy Mako – Ragdoll (Aerosmith)
Shelly Stover – Anyway You Want It (Journey)
Brian Fountain – What You Are (Audioslave)
Jen MacNeil – Video Killed The Radio Star (The Buggles)
Ernie Privetera – Subdivisions (Rush)
Kate Hess – In State (Kathleen Edwards)
Ptolemy Slocum – New York I Love You (LCD Soundsystem)
Andrew Secunda – Thunder Road (Bruce Springsteen)
Dan Goodman – Won’t Get Fooled Again (The Who)
Terry Jinn – While My Guitar Gently Weeps (The Beatles)

This happened a few months ago, but it’s funny so I’m posting about it now anyway.

Tabitha works at Spring Street Natural, so I met her there after her shift one Saturday afternoon. We decided we wanted coffee, and Balthazar is right next door to her restaurant. Despite being a snobby place for paparazzi-hungry celebrities, Balthazar also has pretty cheap and good coffee available to go, so we got two cups. We were going to Terry Jinn’s to watch Battlestar Galactica, and decided that we should bring something, and realized that Dean and Deluca was on the corner, so we got cookies there. Then we wanted a crossword puzzle, so we picked up a New York Times and got on the R train. Suddenly we realized what we looked like: two people carrying Balthazar coffee, Dean & Deluca bags, a New York Times — one of whom is a late 30s wanna be hipster wearing retro glasses and the other is his asian girlfriend. One of us was probably listening to an iPod nano. We were suddenly and without warning the biggest douchebags in New York City.

But maybe we actually ARE douchebags! That’s the scary part. I mean, we bought all those things on purpose. I prefer the theory that if you spend more than half an hour in Soho, you just sorta become an asshole without meaning to. You accidentally become a douche. We acci-douched. That is what we did.

The heat wave broke this very minute with a huge and powerful downpour. There must have been a concert in McCarren Pool up the street because there is a huge crush of teenagers and twentysomethings running down Lorimer St. to the subway, all shrieking in the rain. It’s like a low-budget horror movie, albiet one that ends with a lot of people cramming into Pete’s Candy Store across the street.