No way Mo or I could get into to see Hillary’s speech last night. The fire marshall closed the doors to the arena about 20 minutes before she entered — “it’s cheek to jowl in there” said a security guard.  People crowded around the monitors in the hallways — definitely the most exciting and energized moment of the convention so far.

Except for me — since I have trouble wrapping my head how ANY of this convention (outside of Barack’s speech) is important in any way at all. Is there ever another time when so many reporters gather to cover an event whose ending (the nomination of the candidate) has been decided for months? Would Peter Gammons go to Fenway Park if the ending score was decided — or if only the Red Sox showed up with no opponent and threw the ball around for screaming fans? Even this Hillary speech — she LOST, right? Even if some delegates cast their vote for her in symbolic protest tonight — it’s just symbolic and will have no bearing on who deals with Vladimir Putin next February, yes?

I guess it’s like a Jane Austen novel — more about protocol and etiquette than actual result. Oooh, look at who was “allowed” to introduce Hillary! Eeek, see how Bill won’t break a smile during Michelle’s speech? The GALL! Did you SEE where they sat the New Hampshire delegation! Good heavens! What WILL they say in the parlor?

What amazes me is how many journalists buy into it! Even in my three years working for weekly newspapers, my editors hammered into my head “get the REAL story, not the story the politicians WANT you to say.” But as the Reuters shuttle got back to the hotel at about 10:45pm and one guy was saying he had to be back on site first thing in the morning to film Bill Clinton’s microphone test. I think everyone is just excited to be put up in hotels and hang out with their friends.

I defy anyone to point to any one speech at this convention which has delivered even one piece of actual news. My daily headline: “Democrats to Other Democrats: Democrats are Awesome.” It’s a four-day long red carpet special for a movie that doesn’t start until January 20.

Moving around the arena was better yesterday with one exception: “Is that a wireless mike? Are you registered to use that?” said a balding and gleeful man with an overbite. “Might interfere with the radio guys.”  He handed me a bundle of XLR cable and for the rest of the night I was tethered to Mo Rocca’s microphone as we walked through the hallways trying not to trip people. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn today that all reporters were required to carry around a suitcase of barbells when on the floor of the arena.

The interviews with Mo have been really fun. He knows everyone, and lots of people are excited to talk with him. Also, where I react to everything with growing bewilderment and frustration he just laughs it off. When the Microphone Police checked with HIM to see if his mike was wireless (it was — I had spitefully unplugged the XLR cable) — he apologized and everyone laughed and they complimented his lime pants. He’s the kind of guy that can spot from across the room former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Henry Cisneros. The only person I recognized that he didn’t was Pras from the Fugees, and I was guessing.

Even my pop culture knowledge is at least ten years behind. We talked with Dana Delaney, who was funny and nice — and all I could think was that she did the voice of Lois Lane and starred in my favorite episode of Moonlighting. 

Since Mo’s schedule is busy, each day I’m interviewing delegates myself to have a backup piece in case all I can get from him is an intro. Interview delegates is a mixed bag. They’re mostly polite and happy folks — but they are so annoyingly “on message” that it’s almost impossible to have an actual conversation with them. I asked a guy from California why he wanted to be a delegate and he said “Because I support a Democratic party united behind Barack Obama.”  For fun I tried to ask some people who they thought the sexiest delegation was. “You can’t pick your own state, that’s biased, ” I warned. But each person just said “Oh, no, those kind of questions aren’t for me. I pass” or something. Instead I asked them to name their favorite Democrat who isn’t being talked about and nearly half of them named a governor or senator from their state.

The Reuters shuttle gave me a ride home Tuesday night and back again this morning, and everyone was as polite as can be. Thank you, Reuters!  I take back my disdain.

I walked into the Pepsi Center and heard Ted Kennedy’s speech by complete accident. I was going in, hoping to get members of the Delaware delegation say trivia facts to the camera, but then realized I couldn’t even get close to the floor. So I stood at the top of the arena and watched the place explode with affection for Ted. I’m not really into politics at all, but it’s hard to not get caught up in the emotion when you’re right in the middle of it.

I’m here with AOL News to film pieces with Mo. At least one a day — we’ll see what we get. In the Pepsi Center itself, it seemed to be at least crowded and at worst completely gridlocked with press people. There seems to be an unwritten rule to always move — there doesn’t seem to be any place to just stand, much less sit. You shoot and move, shoot and move. Exciting, though difficult.

My access to the floor is also limited — I can only go for 30 minutes, then I have to report back to a press station and re-set my time. You have to just constantly endure people trying to kick you out of places and telling you you have to move, now.

I got to my hotel in Denver at about 1:30pm Monday — a few days after the rest of the AOL team arrived. There was a mix-up so my credentials were not waiting for me at the hotel, so I couldn’t ride the official shuttle. A convention volunteer at the hotel (they seem to be everywhere in the Denver area) drove me to a city bus stop, and I rode the bus to the middle of Denver and then walked about 8 blocks to the perimeter of the Pepsi Center where a Secret Service man told me someone would have to get me credentials or I couldn’t get it. An AOL News colleague walked it over (about 5 blocks?) and I got in.

There weren’t many protesters in the designated “protest area” when I was there. One guy with a picture of an aborted fetus was telling people they shouldn’t for Obama or McCain. And a drunk sunburned bearded guy in a denim jacket was telling people to vote for Jesus.

Mo and I shot some quick footage during Michelle Obama’s speech and then I edited it from 11:30pm-1am Denver time — which unfortunately for me was until 3am my time. I took an ice-cold shower to wake up while the file exported. Everyone here seems to be running on no sleep. The lack of healthy food must contribute to that — everyone is living on soda and fast food.

Saw Dan Rather walking around the floor — everyone was gushing over him. Saw The Daily Show people doing stuff. Normal people refer to all comedy as “skits.” I heard a few people say “Did you see the Daily Show? They’re doing a skit over at the entrance about this being a green convention! Really hilarious skit!”

This morning (day 2) I woke to realize that a shuttle I counted on using was for Reuters people only. I asked some other reporters leaving the hotel (also from Reuters — guess they didn’t want their shuttle) for a ride. They were nice enough to say yes. They were also classic snarky, sarcastic, grumbly journalists that I worshipped when I was in college and now find a bit tiring. When they found out I was from AOL they basically made fun of it for most of the ride — they’d say “You’ve got mail!” to each other and laugh. They were sparing me another city bus ride so I just sat there. Still, if you’re constantly above EVERYTHING - are you really thinking about anything? And are you really making an awesomely hilarious observation about AOL to simply repeat its annoying catchphrase? Whatever, I’m sure I’d love them if I worked with them. 

I saw Tom Harkin speak — always liked him. He was running to be Democratic candidate in 1992. He still seemed more confident and charismatic than a lot of the other speakers — maybe it’s just because I already liked him. I offer opinions like this one with full disclosure that I do not know what is going on.

Speaking of pizza, 37 signals has a great post about Domenico DeMarco, whose made pretty much every pizza in his restaurant by hand for the past 40 years. Ptolemy introduced this place to me. It’s way out in Brooklyn — you have to take the subway to a bus to get there — and once you’re there, you wait an hour at least for this amazingly slow-moving man to make your pizza. But the whole time you’re watching him do it, you wonder about what it would be like to pay so much attention to one thing, and do it well - to lose yourself in it, again and again, each day for decades. I get bored walking across my apartment, but this man can still focus on his job after 40 years.

Here’s a video from the article that shows him at work:

Speaking of Toronto, Brian and I and maybe Kevin pronounce Toronto as “Taranto.” This is because when Brian was in college and Pat Burns was coach of the Bruins, he and his roommate would make fun of Pat’s hopeless expression as the Bruins lost game after game. They imagined that his every halftime speech implored the team to win so he would not have to move to “Taranto” to get a job. I think they also imagined he said job like “jaab” and that his only curse word was “crap.” There was no reason that Toronto was a bad place for Pat Burns, that he would have to move there, that he would say “crap” to the exclusion of all other curses, or that a Boston accent would pronounce Toronto like “Taranto”, and in fact their impersonation sounded nothing like Pat Burns. Nonethless, eight years later and we all still say it because running gags are fun.

Snapple Cap Facts. Written by Sean Clements and first performed by Stone Cold Fox at Maude Night. Starring Joe Spellman, Sean, Ben Rodgers (taking over for Scott Courlander who was in a play), Fran Gillespie. Directed by me, shot by Todd Bieber and edited by Carmen Angelica. One of my favorite sketches ever!

For you Snapple sketch completists, watch the original live performance below. Although he’s also great in the video, this live performance lets you see Spellman take over even more. Maude Night = good.

Gethard tells me he couldn’t quite get into the “Assassination” film I linked to in my last post. Fine. Here’s one for Gethard. A six-minute lo-fi stunt masterpiece called “Lucky.” On the Wholphin DVDs, the menus are short films. You just have to let the menu sit there and it goes into a film. This is one of them, so there’s a menu up for a few seconds at the top. My copy of this has a few glitches, but pay them no mind. Watch this Gethard, and imagine filming it.

I imagine I’ll have to take these films down relatively soon.

I got my latest issue of Wholphin this week (a DVD of short films chosen by the McSweeney’s nerds) and the last film on it is called “On The Assassination of The President” by Adam Keker, and it is awesome. Even thought it’s mostly just narration and stills and is just six minutes long — it’s a conspiracy theory taken to the millionth degree and it scared the hell out of Tabitha and I. It was made by a documentary filmmaker in San Francisco with an awesome sense of humor and of creepiness.

I think it’s the low hum in the background.

Get Wholphin and watch it! (Or watch it here.)

Terry and Ptolemy - photo by Keith Huang

During the Del Close Marathon, I ran over to Kenny’s Castaway to watch and perform in Terry Jinn’s Enormous Television 7. The comedians pick the songs, and Terry and his band perform them. It is a blast — supportive and enthusiastic audience, good performances, and smiles all around.

I performed “Hey Jealousy” by The Gin Blossoms.

If you don't expect too much from me - photo by Keith Huang

Known mostly as a throw-away, that song is one I love truly. Always have! Joe Wengert, to this day, will text me whenever he hears it being played in public to make fun of it and me for my devotion to it. But it’s great! Simple and sad and hopeful. And I love the line “You can trust me not to think, and not to sleep around.” What an odd promise! Also, the story of its songwriter Doug Hopkins (kicked out of the band for being a drunk, only to see his song become a top 40 hit, after which he killed himself in rehab) makes the song ten times more fascinating.

And that is why ETV is more than just a karoke show. The singers, most of whom are not great singers, are picking songs they truly love — and they’re good enough performers to let that happiness come out. Comedy sometimes encourages you to be a dick, but in the end audiences like to watch people be happy and be in love. Right? Joy is contagious.

Honestly, everyone in the show was great. But my favorite was Jazzy James Eason, who sported some kinda extra-long shiny suit for his performance of Purple Rain.

Just trying to be some kinda friend - photo by Keith Huang

Don’t let anyone tell you James Eason is not a great showman. Dyna and I went to ETV 2.5 years ago and watched James kick the shit out of  “Another Brick In The Wall” — while reading the lyrics off of a music stand. I also think James might not be able to sing. But I never notice because he sells that shit. Tabitha did not take out her camera until James strutted out in that suit but then she was camera crazy from that point forward.

If I list anyone else, I’ll end up leaving people out. But I almost never feel happier than after the ETV show, and I think everyone else involved feels the same way. Happy Birthday, Terry!

Keith Huang took great pictures of the night.

Tony Carnevale - The Boys Are Back In Town (Thin Lizzy)
Ari Scott - You Give Love a Bad Name (Bon Jovi)
Mark Lee - White Room (Cream)
Shannon Manning - I’m Not Like Everybody Else (The Kinks)
Ernie Privetera - Epic (Faith No More)
James Eason - Purple Rain (Prince)
Will Hines - Hey Jealousy (Gin Blossoms)
Jessica Allen - Don’t You Want Somebody to Love (Jefferson Airplane) [with slight mash-up with Jumpin' Jack Flash (Rolling Stones)]
Tara Copeland - Sister Christian (Night Ranger)
Kirk Damato - Surrender (Cheap Trick)

INTERMISSION

Marc Liepis - Owner of a Lonely Heart (Yes)
Maddy Mako - Ragdoll (Aerosmith)
Shelly Stover - Anyway You Want It (Journey)
Brian Fountain - What You Are (Audioslave)
Jen MacNeil - Video Killed The Radio Star (The Buggles)
Ernie Privetera - Subdivisions (Rush)
Kate Hess - In State (Kathleen Edwards)
Ptolemy Slocum - New York I Love You (LCD Soundsystem)
Andrew Secunda - Thunder Road (Bruce Springsteen)
Dan Goodman - Won’t Get Fooled Again (The Who)
Terry Jinn - While My Guitar Gently Weeps (The Beatles)

The Line finished.  Listen closely to when the triplets introduce themselves to hear that Chris Gethard permanently inserted himself into the universe. The New York Times did a feature article about it which contained a picture of the cast, including the mugs you see above.

The DCM also finished. I was lucky to be in shows I loved. I witnessed the Gethard-O’Neill slap battle in Stepfathers, terrible mullets in The Foxworthy Brothers, a surprisingly good improv set from The Twilight Zone show, a fun reunion with Monkeydick, and fun half-reunion with the Fat Guy Stuck in Internet Stars, and my favorite ever 30 second cameo in The 1986 Mets Extravaganza as never-heard-of-him Dave Magadan.

I also attended a Besser workshop which focused on, among other things, the pattern game and organic openings — which I thought was one of the best workshops I’ve ever been to. It changed the way I thought about those things mostly by making me remember why we do openings and what it is we want from them (funny ideas, a head start on developing your scenes and themes and such) — much the way this George Orwell essay on writing makes you a better writer by saying simply “Think about the words you use and use the correct ones.” Take my 501 class as we’ll be trying to work on what I learned there.

DCM was fun. Actually, I’m always dreading the DCM in the days approaching it. “I’m too busy for this crap,” I think. “And it’s too loud and crowded, and a pain.” And then the FIRST SECOND I actually see a show or someone walking into the theater that I haven’t seen in a while, I LOVE IT. And that happened this year. I didn’t hang out as much as I wanted, but I really loved just running into Birch Harms at 4am crossing 8th Avenue as if that were the most normal thing to do in the world. Or seeing Chris Kula bumming around the theater again. DCM really takes over the 4 block area around the UCBT. A temporary village of nerd comics. Like Burning Man but with more jokes and fewer enormous wooden catapults.

A word on reunion shows: I always love going to (and being in) reunion shows like Police Chief Rumble, Mailer Daemon, Five Dudes, Monkeydick, etc. They are a bit frustrating though. You see enough of the magic of each group to see what was great about it, but of course the groups are really out of practice and invariably do an inconsistent show. It’s like watching on old movie. You have to watch with a deliberate awareness that what you’re seeing is out of context. They’re mostly for improv nerds (and friends) I guess. You do get to see where certain dynamics come from.

I remember The Family, one of the most revered teams in our little subculture, reunited for one of the early DCMs and I heard people talking about it in McManus in hushed whispers that it maybe wasn’t quite as amazing as expected. Of course it wasn’t! It takes a while — at LEAST a show — to get back into a rhythm with a group.  Each group has its own temperature, sort of — and you need to sit it in to acclimate a bit. By the end of the Monkeydick show I felt a jittery mess — it was jarring to be back in that and feel the silliness and the confusion and the fun.

But you get a sense of it. Mailer Daemon, even in their absolute worst show, still have that manic craziness that lit up Harold Night for a solid year.  The Swarm at their sleepiest are still this smart, patient group of hilarious people who affect each other with every move.

That said, I heard The Swarm and Respecto kicked ass at FIT (though I think The Swarm benefitted from doing their Wednesday night show first, and then an Omelette Vision show earlier). And every show I cited above had awesome moments that brought me back to what made them beloved.

Achilles notes in his blog that it might be disappointing that no one does Harolds at DCM. I had never considered that before, but he’s right. Someone should do them. I understand the UCBT Harold Teams want a break, but someone should step up. It IS one of Del’s most famous contributions to the form, right?

I met some UCBTLA people, like Paul Rust, Neil Campbell, Michael Busch, Hal Rudnick, Erin McGathy, but only for brief seconds. It was like seeing the Justice Society. An alternate world like mine but different enough that I’m intrigued! I guess I’ll go there sometime. Someone invent a matter transporter and put it in the green room.

I’m also running over to perform in and enjoy Terry Jinn’s Enormous Television 7! Oh man! So much Hines!

FunnyOrDie’s Paris Hilton Campaign Ad has 5.2 million views as of right now, and its bringing a ton of traffic to that site in general. Sexy Screenname was on the front page at the same time and got 17K views, and the staff has also brought back What If There’s Bears to the front page, and it’s up to 70K. I define my worth by these numbers.

Also, Eugene Cordero’s contact lens commercial (and separately a commercial for speed banging) is hilarious.