CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT
TED and LOUISE are laughing, mid-interview. There are stuffed
animals on his desk.
TED
Well to be candid Louise, I can really see you fitting in
here at ToyCo.
LOUISE
Oh good!
TED
Now to continue the interview, we need you to sign this
confidentiality agreement so we can tell you more about our products.
LOUISE
So I can't share this information, right?
TED
Right, because this is proprietary stuff with ToyCo, blah
blah, you know if competitors of ToyCo found out, etc.
LOUISE
Of course! No problem (signs).
TED
Good. Okay, first thing: (suddenly urgent) We invented heart
disease.
LOUISE
I beg your pardon?
TED
Heart disease. My company -- ToyCo -- invented heart disease.
It's not a natural phenomenon -- it's caused by a virus invented in our
Baltimore laboratories back in 1887.
LOUISE
That's impossible. I mean people were dying of heart disease
for.. forever!
TED
They were dying, but it wasn't heart disease. We invented
that puppy in 1887. That's right.
LOUISE
Why?
TED
To save the Earth, Louise -- by thinning out the human
population. Our founders saw that the earth's resources were being devoured at
an intense rate and found a solution: fewer people.
LOUISE
You're a toy company.
TED
On the outside. On the inside we are a machine devoted to
saving the planet earth. Our actual corporate name is Saviors of Gaia.
LOUISE
But you're beloved (grabs stuffed animal). ToyCo created
Bunny Man!
TED
Bunny Man is highly toxic. Not to the touch! But when
activated by baby saliva, it emits an odorless gas that weakens the muscle
tissue of the heart. Oh, deadly flower, how pretty your blossom!
LOUISE
I'm going to report you.
TED
You signed an agreement. You're part of this now.
LOUISE
Well, you signed it also.
TED
So what?
LOUISE
I caused 9/11.
TED
What?
LOUISE
The single biggest terrorist act on U.S. soil? I did that. To
bring about a global war, and start the inevitable final conflict demanded by
his lord Zoroaster.
TED
You also worship Zoroaster?
LOUISE
Yes.
TED
I knew I could see you at this company.