The 38 Year Old Is Running The Pitch
Meeting
Shot of a empty seat at head of conference table. There are
people seated at the table, but they are seated so we only see their arms. The
HEAD WRITER sits into his chair. He is 38 years old.
HEAD WRITER
Okay guys, so what do we have?
WRITER 1
(off screen)
Well, the ad campaign for the new season of Lost is heating up, so we thought we'd do a parody of that.
HEAD WRITER
Lost, huh? Yeah, that's okay. Hey, what did you think of my
Barney Miller parody?
WRITER 1
We've never seen Barney Miller.
HEAD WRITER
Come on! Barney Miller! Fish?
WRITER 2
We know of the show, we just don't care.
HEAD WRITER
Let's compromise. What if it's a Lost parody, but the head Other is revealed to be Wojciehowicz?
WRITER 1
We barely know who that is.
JUMP CUT. Head writer is sitting down again. New shirt and
tie.
HEAD WRITER
Okay guys, what do we got?
WRITER 1
We're doing a parody of How I Met Your Mother where Neil
Patrick Harris does his Doogie Howser character instead of Barney.
HEAD WRITER
Not familiar with it. How about a take off of Moonlight where
Maddy tells David where to get off?
WRITER 1
It's not like I don't know Moonlighting...
HEAD WRITER
It's great right?
WRITER 2
I watched re-runs of it on the Lifetime network.
HEAD WRITER
What if we compromise? "How I Met Your Moonlighting?"
WRITER 1
That is UNCLEAR.
JUMP CUT. HEAD WRITER is sitting down again. New shirt and
tie.
HEAD WRITER
Okay, guys. What if Hawkeye Pierce moved in with the
Jeffersons?
WRITER 1
Even in 1980, when those characters were relevant, that would
be stupid.
HEAD WRITER
Never underestimate the power of M*A*S*H.
WRITER 2
We could do what M*A*S*H would be like in Iraq, with Hawkeye
getting charged with sexual harrassment.
HEAD WRITER
I like it. Could we work in Space Invaders?
WRITER 1
The video game?
HEAD WRITER
I'm thinking just the theme music.
JUMP CUT. HEAD WRITER sits down. New shirt and tie.
HEAD WRITER
Good news, guys. I might have Matthew Broderick agreeing to
do his character from War Games for us.
WRITER 1
That's not a bad idea. I love that movie.
WRITER 2
We could split screen him meeting Ferris Bueller.
WRITER 1
And his character from the Producers!
HEAD WRITER
You're losing me. What if they're stuck in Mel's Diner with Wojciehowicz?
WRITER 2
Who is Wojociehowicz?
JUMP CUT. HEAD WRITER sits down. New shirt and tie.
HEAD WRITER
Okay guys, what do we got?
WRITER 1
We're going to send up the new MTV reality show....
HEAD WRITER
...and make it starring Martha Quinn and John Cougar? I love
it.
WRITER 2
We don't love that. We don't love our idea either, but at
least it's relevant.
HEAD WRITER
John Cougar speaks to the people.
WRITER 1
In 1985.
WRITER 2
If you want an old reference, why don't we have a bunch of
people on the street spontaneously singing the theme to Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles?
HEAD WRITER
I like it if you have them doing it to the hosts of That's
Incredible.
JUMP CUT.
HEAD WRITER
I'm thinking Jack Tripper has to move in with Hardcastle and
McCormick.
JUMP CUT
HEAD WRITER
What if the original Superfriends go on a dectuple date with
Laverne?
WRITER 1
Laverne?
WRITER 2
Dectuple?
JUMP CUT
HEAD WRITER
What about 3-2-1-ZERO Contact?
JUMP CUT
HEAD WRITER
How about an issue of Mad as if it were run by the editors of Cracked and drawn by the artists from Crazy?
JUMP CUT
HEAD WRITER
Guys, what if the Whammy from Press Your Luck goes on a date
with Joanie and Chatchi?
JUMP CUT
HEAD WRITER
Let's see what happens if Tootise and Gandhi are playing that
video game from The Last Starfighter!
WRITER 1
Why don't you throw in Wojciehowicz?
HEAD WRITER
Yeah! I feel like we're beating the Russians!
JUMP CUT
HEAD WRITER
Lose the High School Music references, put in Dabney Coleman.
JUMP CUT
HEAD WRITER
I don't mind sending Kim Kardashian up the river as long as
take the piss out of J.R. Ewing while we do it.
JUMP CUT
HEAD WRITER
We take Dr. J, the fast talking dude from Federal Express and lock them in a boat with that gay dude from Airplane.
FREEZE FRAME. Slow zoom in on HEAD WRITER. When his face
fills the frame, we cross dissolve and now we see his face sleeping but
stirring. We pan out to see him in a hospital room.
DOCTOR
(off screen)
Mr. Bradford? Mr. Bradford.
HEAD WRITER
Where am I?
DOCTOR
You've been in an accident. You were dreaming you were a head
writer from some vaguely defined production company.
HEAD WRITER
Oh my God. So real.
Shock of recognition from HEAD WRITER. We pan over to the DOCTOR. It is Wojciehowicz from Barney Miller. Bass theme plays.
SHOT of PLANET EARTH with the sound of tremendous roaring
applause.