ENFANT TERRIBLE

An ARTIST is talking to a CURATOR

ARTIST

I have made my plans for my next works for your gallery.

CURATOR

Oh, Jack! I am so excited!

ARTIST

First, I am taking blank canvas. I am putting paper on the blank canvas. Then I am painting on paper. Then... I keep paper and give you canvas, and you love it.

CURATOR

I do love it!! Blank canvas!

ARTIST

Good. Then next I am taking blank canvas. On this canvas I am going to poop just a tiny bit in one of the corners. Then I am cleaning poop. I clean it with bleach and astringent so it is gone. Then I give you canvas and you will not know where I pooped.

CURATOR

Good heavens, Jack! So daring! You are enfant terrible!

ARTIST

Yes. Then next I am taking blank canvas. I am painting New York Skyline. Impressionist water colors. Muted blacks and browns, punctuated by hopeful lights from big skyscrapes.

CURATOR

Okay, seems.... nice....

ARTIST

But then I give this painting to bum, and to you I give blank canvas that was in room while I was to be painting that one.

CURATOR

Ah, I see! I am clapping! I clap hard! You are bad boy! BAD BOY!

ARTIST

Okay, good. Next maybe I do not give you canvas. I think of a canvas while you guess number. Then I write number down on ATM receipt and give that to you.

CURATOR

Whee!

ARTIST

Then next I say I give you painting but I no show up and instead I am going to Action Park where I ride alpine slide and make friends with tasteless people. They have no taste but I am their friend.

CURATOR

I cannot wait!!! Jack, you are so supreme! You are so delish!

ARTIST

Then I will put my television on wheels and a leash and walk it down the street. I will do this in secret and never tell you or anyone. Then I come here and give you a punch in the face.

CURATOR

Ziminy zim zim! You are the thrill!  Thank you so much Jack! Thank you!

ARTIST

You are welcome.

CURATOR

Of course!

ARTIST

I would want to be smoking now. And eating tuna melt sandwich.

CURATOR

Of course.

CURATOR gives artist a pack of Marlboros and a plate with a warm tuna melt on it.

ARTIST

When I am pooping this out I will be thinking of other things and not you.