ONE STUPID ONE ALL SMARTY MEAN
A WOMAN is walking out of a GAP,
a MAN approaches from the opposite direction.
MAN
Want to feel my pecs? They're all toned.
WOMAN spins on her heels to face the man and speaks while a
mere two inches from his doughy face.
WOMAN
Listen to me carefully: That was obnoxious and creepy and
self-obsessed.
MAN
I feel ya, I feel ya. But I'm just so full of LIFE, you know?
WOMAN
I do not know that. What I do know is that you could say
nothing but perfect things to me for weeks and I'd still think badly of you
just because of our last two exchanges.
MAN
We don't know each other right?
WOMAN
That is exactly right.
MAN
So I creeped you out. I heard.
WOMAN
You "heard." That's how you expressed acknowledgment? You
just throw the word "heard" in your sentence like it's a crouton being tossed
in Greek salad?
MAN
I guess.
WOMAN
I doubt you guess. It would require information and
intellectual curiousity. I would characterize your speech as verbal reflex,
with no more thought behind it than simple breathing.
MAN
Probably.
WOMAN
I find it hard to believe you're even listening to me.
MAN
Let me ask you, if we were friends, would you totally feel my
pecs?
WOMAN
There is no way. I have dear friends for whom I'd step in
front of trains, but if they asked me to feel their pecs I assure you I would
decline.
MAN
I heard.
WOMAN
You HEAR. What is this "I heard?" You sound like a robot
that's gotten damp.
MAN
How many pull ups do you think I did before? Guess.
WOMAN
I'd sooner fold my forehead skin to the back of my neck.
MAN
It's over 30.
WOMAN
32.
MAN
Damn, that's right. Sick, right? I was shaky for the last few
but I pulled that shit off. Up top.
WOMAN
Put your hand down. I'm leaving.
MAN
Where you going, sweetie feet?
WOMAN
Sweetie feet?
MAN
Yeah!
WOMAN
Why would you call me such a term?
MAN
I don't know, girl. I like that nickname. I read that shit in
a Snoopy comic.
WOMAN
I have to leave now. I'd like you to find an open manhole and
walk into it.
MAN
I'm not a homosexual.
WOMAN
You're overthinking my insult.
MAN
I heard.
We see the following happenas the voiceover describes it.
VOICEOVER
The woman walked off and returned to her job as layout
designer for
a hip struggling literary magazine where she is content but not satisfied. The
man extended his arms up and flies into the
sky where he turns into a medium aged star.