HEIST LEADER DOES PUSH-UPS

Two THUGS and their LEADER are in a jewelry store. An alarm bell is ringing. The author of this sketch just read Erik Tanouye's heist sketch and can't get heists out of his mind. That fact is otherwise irrelevant.

THUG 1

I've got the diamonds -- they were right where you were expecting, boss.

THUG 2

Security cameras were easy to take out. Great plan, boss.

BOSS

GOod job guys. Let's head out.

iPhone alarm sound from BOSS' jacket pocket.

BOSS

Whoops, that's my alarm. Time for me to do my push-ups.

BOSS drops and starts doing push-ups.

THUG 1

Boss, the police are on their way -- there is no time for this.

BOSS

No, Ernie. It ALWAYS feels like there's no time. You have to MAKE time.

THUG 2

Boss, we have to go!

BOSS

Jackie, ever notice how many "have tos" we live by? And that they rarely include time to take care of ourselves?

BOSS switches to sit-ups.

THUG 1

You only did like four push-ups.

BOSS

I do one more each day than the day before.

THUG 2

You've only been doing this four days?

BOSS

Yep. At this point, it's more about cementing the habit than total time exercised -- it's why I can't skip this!

THUG 1

Boss, do this LATER! Even wait ten minutes until we're back at Johnny's place!

BOSS

"Do your exercise later, Boss!" "Wait till later, Boss!" "Wait till tomorrow, Boss!" Trust me, if you let them those little voices get louder and louder until you NEVER exercise.

THUG 1

Your form is terrible.

BOSS

Your discipline for self-improvement is terrible.

THUG 2

If you're doing that, I'm working on my novel.

THUG 2 takes a notepad out of his jacket.

THUG 1

Johnny!

THUG 2

A page a day. I'm up to three chapters already.

BOSS

That's great! What's it about?

BOSS switches to push ups.

THUG 2

Historical fiction. How would the American Revolution have proceeded if Benedict Arnold had been general and Washington the traitor.

BOSS

Intriguing!

THUG 1

Who cares if it's intiguing? Look, I'm getting out here. Hal's waiting and I'm gonna tell him to just go.

HAL enters.

HAL

You guys still here? Any one of you want to help me quiz myself with my word-a-day calendar?

BOSS

I'll do it. I have to rest between sets.

THUG 2

You're using the calendar I got you!

HAL

Yeah, great gift.

THUG 1

We NEED TO GO!

BOSS

Define "loquacious."

HAL

Well, I just read it so I know that one. Someone who speaks with great verbosity.

THUG 2

Sounds like Henry Knox as he was negotiating to drag heavy artillery across Massachusetts.

BOSS

Good one!

THUG 1

That's not a good one! We have to leave.

A GROUP OF POLICEMEN enter. HEAD COP speaks.

HEAD COP

Freeze! Everyone down!

THUGS scramble out their guns and square off with the cops.

BOSS

You'll never take us!

iPhone alarm sounds in HEAD COP's jacket.

HEAD COP

That's me. Everyone time out while I take my selenium.