ALL YOU CAN EAT FOR REAL
MAN is at a restaurant table next to a buffet. A WAITER
stands over him.
MAN
I'm stuffed! This buffet was delcious! All you can eat for
$25. It's a great deal.
WAITER
Thank you, sir!
MAN
Do I pay you or go to the cashier.
WAITER
Well, you're not done eating yet, are you sir?
MAN
Yeah, I'm good. Two helpings of eggs, some bacon, a muffin,
glass of orange juice and a coffee? More than enough.
WAITER
Still I don't believe that's all you can eat.
MAN
It's all I WANT to eat.
WAITER
That's not the deal. All you can eat for $20. So do it. Here,
some home fries. You can fit some more in. While you're at it, have some green
beans.
WAITER shoves some home fries into man's face.
MAN
This is unfair!
WAITER
Here's what's unfair: people come in all happy to pick up a
cheap meal, but they insult MY chef and MY kitchen by not really eating as much
as they say they can! It's infuriating! I know you can eat more but you pretend
to be full!
MAN
But I AM full!
WAITER
Not ALL THE WAY FULL! EAT!
MAN eats some green beans.
MAN
Please don't! I'm really full!
WAITER
Don't bullshit me, fat ass. You can fit some more in there!
MAN
Please! I just wanted some eggs!
WAITER
Well, you made a promise to this restaurant! A promise that
we get excited about! "How good is our food?" we ask ourselves. "Could people
really eat, say, four helpings of scrambled eggs?" WE WANT TO KNOW!
MAN
You're hurting me!
WAITER
Good! Because you hurt ME when you were ready to walk away
after only three helpings!
MAN
I'll pay more! Just let me go!
WAITER
Have some more coffee! It should wet the food you've eaten
more to make room!
MAN
I didn't mean to insult your food, I just wanted a normal
sized breakfast!
WAITER
No you wanted a food slut for you to use and throw away! YOU
MADE A COMMITMENT, NOW LIVE UP TO IT!
The man eats.
He keeps eating.
He keeps eating.
MAN
Look. That's all, honestly. Look at me -- my stomach
distended, I'm in terrific pain. I promise you, that's really all I can
actually eat.
WAITER
Cash or charge?
I JUST SIGHED.