CHANDELIER SALESMAN ASSUMES SWINGING

A SALESMAN is talking to a CUSTOMER in a light store.

SALESMAN

So you'd like to order four chandeliers for your banquet hall?

CUSTOMER

That's right. We host weddings and proms and such, and we're expanding the facility. I have some photos of what style we prefer...

SALESMAN

No need. How many people usually attend each event?

CUSTOMER

Anywhere from 300 to as high as a thousand.

SALESMAN

And in what shape are these customers? Young, fit? Or older and more withered?

CUSTOMER

They are all variety of ages and ... shapes.

SALESMAN

And how many of them will be swinging from chandeliers per event? Should we assume half?

CUSTOMER

I don't expect any of the customers to be swinging from the chandeliers.

SALESMAN

That would be a foolish assumption on your part. Let's assume half. I recommend this steel model -- with a six hundred pound test chain holding it from the ceiling. It can support up to two people swinging at once of nearly any weight.

CUSTOMER

I'm more interested in the aesthetics, frankly. Our decor is a faux early 1900s,  you can see in this photo here...

SALESMAN

The only style to consider is that the chandelier have nice low swooping arms so your clients can grab them easily, otherwise they will be frustrated when they try to establish a grip.

CUSTOMER

Sir, my customers will not be trying to grip the chandeliers.

SALESMAN

With respect sir, I think I know the business a little better than you.

A PIRATE enters.

SALESMAN

Ah, Clancy. Here's your slip. You can pick your order up at the warehouse.

The PIRATE looks over his receipt and nods.

PIRATE

Arrr.

SALESMAN

You're welcome.

PIRATE exits.

CUSTOMER

Maybe you just have a narrow view of who buys chandeliers.

SALESMAN

I suggest that YOU have narrow view of your customers and what they are likely doing behind your back.

A SWASHBUCKLER enters. He has a cast.

SWASHBUCKLER

Hey Phil. Sorry to do this, I need a refund. I was swinging from the northeast arm of the standard ballroom model and it just snapped off.

SALESMAN

Oh dear. Are you sure this wasn't an installation problem?

SWASHBUCKLER

No, no. Look here's the picture right afterwards.

SALESMAN

Ah, that's terrible. I don't know what happened. Of course a refund is certainly in order. Here, take this card to the cashier's desk. I assure you this is an infrequent occurrence.

SWASHBUCKLER

I understand, things happen. Thanks Phil!

SWASHBUCKLER exits.

CUSTOMER

Perhaps for these gentlemen it does matter. Not for my customers.

SALESMAN

Let me see these photos your brought. Look, there are people swinging from the chandeliers in every photo!

CUSTOMER

Wow, I hadn't noticed!

We see a montage of photos. In each one, a guest or two is swinging from a CHANDELIER, usually while wearing formal wear. First is a groom and bride, then two girls in prom dresses and then an old man in a tux, and then a baby.

SALESMAN

Your existing chandeliers are excellent for swinging, as is any proper chandelier. These are well made fixtures.

CUSTOMER

I'm so sorry I doubted you. I'd like four of the model you recommend.

MISS MANNERS enters

MISS MANNERS

Hello. I am Miss Manners. A gracious host who is providing a chandelier as decor for his guests will make sure that said chandelier can support the weight of at least one if not two of his guests at once. To do any less is tacky and frankly, inconsiderate.

MISS MANNERS jumps up and grabs a chandelier and swings out of view.