CUTE MATRIX

INT. DIMLY-LIT OFFICE

A SMILEY WOMAN is at her office cubicle, hanging photos of kittens next to her desk. There are jars of candy, flowers, and a motivational poster featuring a panda.

We see SMILEY WOMAN scrolling through cuteoverload.com; squeezing a teddy bear on her desk.

NARRATOR

Kittens! Basset hounds! Pandas! You love cute things! And you just can't get enough!

SMILEY WOMAN sighs and shakes her head. She wants more!

NARRATOR

Why not try... (voice deepens) the Cute Matrix.

CUT TO: INT. DARK CHAMBER OF MACHINES.

SMILEY WOMAN is lying herself into a vat of gelatinous fluid. Light glints of an elaborate metal workings around her. A ROBOT ATTENDANT jams a cable into the back of her head.

NARRATOR

Our medical facility, located far beneath the surface of the Earth, will fill your brain with images of your perfect world.

In the vat of blue fluid, the woman shuts her eyes. The scene shimmers.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BRIGHTLY-LIT OFFICE.

The colors are brighter. There are adorable things everywhere:
A CALICO KITTEN pads across her desk.
A BASSET HOUND in a sailor hat sits at her wastebasket.
Above floats a CARTOON DRAGON HOLDING A BABY.

SMILEY WOMAN is open-mouthed with happy amazement.

NARRATOR

The Cute Matrix will provide the cutest, most adorable version of your life possible.

CUT TO: DARK CHAMBER OF MACHINES.

The SMILEY WOMAN is lying in blue fluid, eyes closed and troubled. She's twitching.

NARRATOR

Meanwhile, our robots will tend to your dormant body, as they siphon a reasonable amount of electricity from your happily stimulated brain.

ON SCREEN in medium type: "Lifespan will shorten by up to ten years."

NARRATOR

But you'll hardly notice, as your senses get cute-ified to the maximum!

CUT TO: BRIGHTLY-LIT OFFICE.

SMILEY WOMAN is grinning, arms outstretched to all the wonderful things around her.

A LITTLE BOY in a suit hands a LITTLE GIRL a rose.
A BULLDOG scampers up and pants.
A MAILMAN walks up and hands her a Hello Kitty doll, which transforms into a PONY.

CUT TO: DARK CHAMBER OF MACHINES.

A pan of ROBOT ATTENDANTS tending to bodies of various women all in blue fluid.

NARRATOR

The Cute Matrix was developed five years ago, when our robot servants developed full consciousness and took over our company. Since most of our employees were lonely female administrators, they developed the Cute Matrix to happily subdue our staff.

CUT TO: BRIGHTLY-LIT OFFICE

Cute animals and objects remain.

NARRATOR

If at any time, you grow tired of the Cute Matrix, you can leave and return to your regular life.

CUT TO: DARK CHAMBER OF MACHINES

SMILEY WOMAN raises from vat with a gasp.

CUT TO: DIMLY-LIT OFFICE

SMILEY WOMAN sits at her normal desk.

NARRATOR

Although remember, that your so-called normal life is already actually a Non-Cute Matrix.

CUT TO: A DIFFERENT CHAMBER OF MACHINES, now brightly-lit.

SMILEY WOMAN rises out of vat of white fluid with a gasp.

NARRATOR

Which itself is really just an even more depressing Matrix.

CUT TO: YET ANOTHER CHAMBER OF MACHINES, FILLED WITH FIRE.

SMILEY WOMAN rises out of pot of fire and shrieks.

CUT TO: DIMLY-LIT OFFICE.

SMILEY WOMAN lifts her head from her desk, where she was just sleeping.

NARRATOR

The Cute Matrix! Because you have no choice.