NO DECISIONS

A WAITER waits on a MAN at a dinner table in a fine restaurant.

WAITER

So have you decided what you'd like, sir?

MAN

I have.

WAITER

Excellent, what can I get for you?

MAN

Well, there's so many options here that what we need to do is to compress -- to select just a few key appetizers and entrees that really define a particular meal.

WAITER

Yes, okay. So which appetizer would you like?

MAN

Something optimisitc. Something that really heralds the coming of a great meal.

WAITER

Um, would that be the mozzarella sticks?

MAN

Good heavens no. Mozzarella sticks are anything but optimistic. They're the epitome of giving up!

WAITER

I really need you to pick something specific.

MAN

Of course. Then I pick... something one notch better than the clam chowder.

WAITER

So not the clam chowder?

MAN

No, but something very close to that. Verrrry close.

WAITER

The potato skins?

MAN

The potato skins? That's ridiculous! Those are the LAST things I'd order!

WAITER

Sir, it's difficult for me to know what item matches up with what you want. I need a specific hard-core choice.

MAN

That's fair. My hard-core specific choices is... a type of food that has a deliberate flavor but isn't trying too hard.

WAITER

The creamed corn?

MAN

No. That's an emotionally deadening food. I would hardly describe it as food.

WAITER

Fine, I'll name some foods and you tell me what sounds right. Fried oysters, broccoli salad, pork dumplings...

MAN

Ah! Pork dumplings!

WAITER

Pork dumplings!

MAN

...is the right emotional tone but not quite it.

WAITER

Bouillabase, minature tacos, cheese plate...

MAN

Cheese plate!

WAITER

Excellent!

MAN

...is the correct disposition but not that right shape.

WAITER

Sir! Please! You must decide!

MAN

Granola and yogurt!

WAITER

Done!

MAN

...will never do! I'll have tomato soup!

WAITER

Fine!

MAN

...except that I will NOT be having that!

WAITER

Sir!

MAN

I can't decide!

WAITER

Okay! Get the bread basket! The bread basket!

MAN

I'll do it! I'll do it!

WAITER

Fine.

MAN

It's on you if I don't like it.

WAITER

I accept that non-responsibility from you and in return give you a judgmental stare.

OUT.