What's The Deal With
Stadley Rough?

by Will Hines
(You can go back to about Spite)
This is perhaps the saddest story Spite has ever told. Stadley was once one of my closest friends, until this magazine came between us. He's a fiftyish part-time professor at Hunter College. We met when I was temping in their English department and hit it off discussing why F. Scott Fitzegerald was a wuss. He came off as an overeducated ass, but I soon learned that deep down, he's just a former hippy who's too jaded to smile as much as he probably used to. He's also still idealistic enough to demand that the world should and could be a better place. He basically co-founded the original version of Spite with me and my friend Bradford Contemporary, spending countless lunches helping me to articulate a vision for magazine I could feel, but not quite express. He even took time from his teaching schedule to write one of the original pieces.

Then, a few months later, Stadley turned in a piece about Patrick Ewing. By this time, my confidence in myself as an editor had grown considerably. I heavily edited the article without his consent. I also decorated his page with bright colors and cartoon characters. When he saw the altered piece on the web, we exchanged the following EMails:


To: Will Hines
From: Stadley Rough
Re: Spite Magazine

Hey, what happened to the changes we discussed? You butchered my article!
Call me.

Stadley
To: Stadley Rough
From: Will Hines
Re: Spite Magazine

I know, Stadley, I'm sorry. But I think "butcher" is strong. I wanted a little less Ewing and a little more about banning all the NBA players. So I took out the description of the Miami fight, because Patrick really didn't get involved in that. And I moved the criticism of the Knicks' management down one paragraph so it could be your first suggestion of "banning".

I think these changes really bring out the outrageousness of the banning even more. There are still like 10 sentences which just openly condemn Ewing.

Will
To: Will Hines
From: Stadley Rough
Re: The Butcher

This is ridiculous. You have way overstepped the boundaries of editor. You didn't even consult me. I want my old article back, and a white background, or Stadley goes to war with Spite. Maybe Stadley will sue; sue you, sue everybody.

Regards,
Stadley
To: Stadley Rough
From: Will Hines
Re: Butcher?

I didn't overstep my bounds. And with all due respect, here is my response to your requests:

White Background? No.
Original Article? No.

The current version is very much in spirit with the original, which I'll post up for your viewing.

Why don't you compare the two, or better yet, ask some people which is a better representation of the ideas you express?

Thank you for your input.

Will Hines
Editor
To: Will Hines
From: Stadley Rough
Re: The Butcher

I hereby tender my resignation from that most odoriferously like shat magazine known as Spite, effective immediately.

For the record, Will Hines, editor, is a ninny.

I urge you, Bradford, for the love of God, ban Hines from Spite.

Regards,
Stadley Rough

And that was it for over a year. Many times, I came within seconds of picking up the phone to offer my apologies, but could never swallow enough of my pride to do it.

Instead, Spite and I moved on. I kept Stadley's name on the masthead for ten months, before deciding that it looked silly to have his name there when he had only written two articles. I was just holding on to a friendship long gone. I also admitted to the world that Bradford and I were the same person, a big step which came after months of therapy.

And then, my brother started a Spite comic strip, featuring the Spite staff including Stadley Rough. The day after the strip was posted on the Web, I received this EMail:

To: Will Hines
From: Stadley Rough
Re: Fascinating...

Mr. Hines, I was recently perusing your quaint magazine's web page and stumbled upon the rather amusing portrayal of me in that trite cartoon series you run. I must submit that the caption regarding the plum article is, if somewhat exaggerated in its attempt at humor, quite hilarious. For future reference please note you can reach me through our usual means, or through this new EMail address.

Regards,
Stadley

A peace offering? Perhaps. We speak now, but I think things will always be touchy as long as he's off the masthead, and I refuse to admit that Bradford is a separate person, as Stadley's recent EMail will attest:

Mr. Hines,

I find your attempt to convince your readership of Bradford's nonexistence somewhat fascinating. I suppose it is only in keeping with your magazine's namesake. There is little doubt in my mind that had I not contacted you as to my recent whereabouts, the Hines machine would have by this time already annexed my own material.

That nonwithstanding, my recent return from Havana has provided me with the opportunity to once again devote some time as Spite's elder statesman and contributing writer. As my first order of business I feel it is my duty to voice my opinions on the sorry state of affairs at the home office. I understand my desk has been cleared and my possessions relegated to the closet. I would appreciate it if you could see to it my typewriter be made available when I stop by the office sometime next week.

Articles I am currently working on:

Crossword Puzzles are for Morons
Pitted Prunes vs. Non-pitted
New York City Bus Etiquette is a Load of Crock
Will Smith is a Self Aggrandizing Capitalist
(or Will Smith, Stop Getting Jiggy With Me)

Regards,
Stadley

I don't know if we're friends again, Stadley. But I assure you your typewriter is waiting.

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