don't ask me|
Straight Shooting In A Crooked World
(Don't Ask Me is the advice column of Spite Magazine, featuring the wisdom of the Killer Queen. Send your tales of love, woe and misery to firstname.lastname@example.org and then check back to this page for a response. Check the intro for more info.)
September 1, 1998
My girlfriend of 3 months refuses to let me wear a condom during sex and she refuses to exercise any sort of birth control. Yet I have clearly told her that I don't want to have kids for a long long time, and that I refuse to take financial responsibility for the consequences. She assures me she won't get pregnant. I am a lot older than her and make a pretty good living and she's still in school. Do I have anything to worry about here?
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YOU may not have anything to worry about, but the rest of western society does. I'm assuming that, given the proper usage of the word "exercise" in your desperate plea for escape from your self-induced child-prison (and I'm not referring to the inevitable fetus in question), you're not completely illiterate, so listen up before I personally kick your door in and spank the shit out of your dirty diaper:
- If a woman tells you, in point-blank confidence, that she will not get pregnant and you're DAMNED sure that she does not take the Pill, you'd better check for the tubal ligation scars because she's yanking the chain that's wrapped around your balls in that oh-my-god-it-felt-so-good -but-now-I-just-realized -I'm-a-flaming-idiot kind of way. Unless you're planning on fucking her armpit for the
rest of your relationship, she WILL get pregnant.
- When dealing with legalities of any sort, verbal agreements are
trash of the most maggot-infested form. Didn't you ever watch
The People's Court? If I don't whup your sorry ass, I'll get Judge
Wapner to do it, and he doesn't fuck around you know. If you
want to continue to screw this chick without protection, both of
you cognizant of the consequences (ie. she IS able to spawn your
collective fetus at any given time), get it in writing that you
will not be responsible for this outcome. Hell, I'm no lawyer,
but give it a go, because you WILL be paying for this child AND
for your life cause it certainly ain't cheap to cure an incurable
- You're an active member of society in that you're an older,
financially-secure man who's just looking for a bit of a fuck
on the side, right? And she's a youngster of what, 19-20-21 years
of age, right? And you're dealing with this kind of stupidity and
aggravation because........? GET A LIFE, you moron!! Why not
just up the ante by a good 10 years and land a woman who not only
has her shit together but who can also give you a REAL blowjob?
Fuck, I cannot believe the idiocy rate in this day and age -- if
only someone were brave enough to give this simpleton of a child
a good dose of the ol' herpes stick up her twat to teach her a
lesson in the politics of world-wide demography...but that's just me
talking. My best advice for you: get TESTED, get REAL and get the
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