Every so often, you'll be sitting in front of the television, flipping
between channels, and you'll see one of them... one of those "faded
stars" hosting a game show, or starring a made-for-TV movie and you'll
experience many different emotions at the same time. Sadness, because
you remember how funny they used to be; pity, because you can imagine
how pathetic their lives have become; anger, because you realize that
they suck now and you want them to get the hell out of your living
room. These "actors" or "comedians" are well past their prime with
absolutely no chance of a meaningful comeback. They're taking two-bit
roles in infomercials and CBS comedies from the mouths of this nation's
up and coming personalities. It's time that we come together and end
this needless suffering.
These people can't be happy with the turn their lives have taken. My
guess is that they contemplate suicide about 10-15 times a week. All
they need is that extra push to send them over the edge. It's more
than our duty to thank them for their years of entertaining us by
giving them that push.
Below, I have compiled a brief list of actors and comedians, reasons
for their needed demise, and some methods suggested:
Alan Thicke
Hosted "Thicke of the Night", a talk show that lasted about 27 seconds
Hosting "Pictionary" in syndication
Tremendously boring and unfunny
Needs to die as soon as possible; asphyxiation from Pictionary marker
fumes would suffice
Marilu Henner
Hosted "Marilu", a syndicated talk show that also failed miserably
Starred in some made-for-TV movie that sucked
Protests dairy products (what did cheese ever do to her?)
Her voice is piercing, and she babbles on about the dumbest crap when
she's on Conan O'Brien
Drowning in milk would be wonderful
Note to actors: Don't work with this alien.
Martin Sheen
Automatically deserves death by starring in the "ALF" movie back in '96
Ed Begley Jr.
Starred in "Parenthood" the series
Also in that horrid little "ALF" movie
Should have died on the set of "St. Elsewhere" from injuries due to an
exploding latex glove covering Howie Mandell's head
Bob Newhart
Starred in "Bob" on CBS
Stars in "George and Leo" on CBS
The guy just doesn't cut it unless his last name is in the title of
the show
I personally still like Bob, and he isn't really hurting anyone by
being on CBS, but I have to admit that his time has come
He's also tremendously old, so either natural causes or beaten to
death by gang-bangers would be acceptable
John Ritter
Hosted "Worlds Greatest Magic" on FOX
Basic strain on society
Should be forced to live in an apartment with two women and pretend to
be gay until it drives him to suicide...oh, wait...
Howie Mandell
Hosts "The Howie Mandell Show", a talk show that's almost as bad as
Magic Johnson's show
He's turned into a male Rosie O'Donnell, and there's no excuse for
that.
Remember that latex glove explosion I mentioned?
| 
Howie Mandell: Implement of Kamikaze Destruction? |
So write your congressman now and demand that legislation is passed to
keep these people from further damaging our society. Please, for God's
sake, think of the children.
Mark Richardson spelled asphyxiation correctly on his first try.
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