Not long ago, I found myself staring at the pleasant, gray-haired woman who works in our college mailroom, imagining her being torn apart by wild dogs.

It was a small thing that led me to fantasize about a stranger's violent, bloody death; small as the things that drive most ordinary people over the edge usually are, something unexpected and unnecessary and very painful. She refused to mail my letter.

Okay, I can deal with rejection. I can smile and say "Thanks anyway." And I can secretly imagine her bloody, ravaged body being torn at by wild raccoons.

Oh, don't get me wrong--I didn't walk away from this exercise in futility empty handed. I had to carry the letter, of course, but aside from that I also took some valuable information with me. About man, and nature, and survival, and Darwin.

What? Did I say Darwin? Yes, that's right, I did. See, I think Darwin hit on something pretty good when he came up with his theory of evolution. Oh, some people protest it, refuse to believe that humans have evolved from apes, but I say to them, have you ever taken a good long look at Steven Tyler?

So I agree wholeheartedly with Chuck on this one. What concerns me now, however, is where society now stands on the old Evolve-O-Meter. I don't think Darwin ever saw this evolution thing going as far as it has. What do I mean by that? Well take a look around you. I'm sure no one has to look very far to recognize the inherent wimpiness of man. Since you are probably reading this from a computer screen, it's a fair guess that you yourself are a worthless, pale, anemic sack of flesh who couldn't outrun my week-old athletic socks. You could probably stand to lose a few pounds too.

Don't feel bad about your lacking physique--you're not any worse off than the rest of us fat, lazy slobs. It's a flaw of the species; consider: even the most dedicated gymnast or weightlifter isn't going to come close to a respectable showing against a mountain gorilla.

So why isn't our species in deadly peril, you ask? Why does it seem like good old Homo sapien has conquered the natural world in spite of Darwin? There are two answers for that, my friend. Reason #1 is that we human beings are able to breed like crazy, even against all biological odds *. It may well be our best adaptive feature. Reason #2, and the true cause of my concern, is the human brain. And that is where evolution has apparently backfired on us.

I'll explain. Evolution is supposed to be nature's bouncer: a sure-fire way to weed out the undesirables. But as human beings, we have brains, and they're usually more trouble than they're worth. In the case of evolution, our brains are like a bribe for the doorman; they sneak us past the rigorous physical requirements for the Fittests' Club, but leave us openly vulnerable in day to day survival. We are now at the point of evolution where any human being, regardless of his or her functional use to society, can survive.

So, you may say, what's wrong with that? I'll tell you what's wrong with that, it makes MY life more difficult! Which is really what this is all about.

We are all aware that there are certain varieties of people who are just be more likely to end up as lion food, statistically speaking. My personal experience is that anyone who works for a college mailroom falls into this category. For these people, not even an above-average sized brain is going to help much. And we've all had our share of them: bank tellers, telemarketers, so-called customer service attendants, the list goes on and on.

These are the evolutionary rejects, the undesirables, the un-fittests. They should have been weeded out, but thanks to technology and "compassion" they haven't been. So they walk around day to day, finding ways to make life more miserable for the rest of us.

What is the solution, my friends? At this point I am sure I'm already being compared in many ways to Hitler, but I think I'll hold back on my gas-chamber ideas. No, what I suggest is a far more humane, elementary, a more natural resolution. Three syllables: carn-i-vores.

Obviously we can't revert back to the jungle. So let's bring the jungle to us. All I'm asking for is a few savage beasts set free around each metropolitan area . . . one in every office building, maybe an extra for the mailroom.

Imagine it -- the great jungle cats weeding out the weenies of corporate America:

"Johnson! Do you have that report ready yet?"

"Johnson is dead, sir."

"Oh. Right then, looks like Simba is doing his job. Leary, you're in charge of the Smith report now. And you can have Johnson's cubicle. Just, uh, clear the carnage out of the way."

Such a perfect, simple, and savage solution! No more laziness, no more office slackers who let their work pile up for you while they take extra long lunch breaks. No more stupid bosses or stupid questions. Incompetence falls prey to the King of the Jungle.

In fact, this method is so efficient, why not start out early? I suggest mountain lions to patrol every playground -- that will weed out the losers who always get picked last for kickball in a hurry. Use their lunch money to fund the Federal Endowment of Ecological Darwinism (FEED). All the bed-wetters, thumb-suckers, whiners, and not-so-bright children are no longer a problem. Billy doesn't want to turn in his homework? Don't send him to the principal, send him to the tiger cage. For high schools, I propose wolves and coyotes.

Hear me and understand: society simply cannot go on being overrun with weaklings. The dainty, the feeble, the fragile, the people who wear bunny slippers to bed, these are our enemies. We need to reform the nation, we need to do it now, and we need to use viscious, predatory animals.

Life, my friends. It is not for the weak.