Spite presents: Democracy Is Dead Or, Powerball to the People Page 2 (go back to page 1) We could always go with a theocracy. Step aside and let Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson run the show! You think you pay taxes now? Wait until the church can demand a tithe. I guarantee you that God will up his 10% request. Abortions will be outlawed, as will smoking, drinking, all fornication outside of marriage (which will be restricted to the missionary position only), and any occasional glances in the direction of the opposite sex. We will all be forced to wear polyester suits and long, ground-dragging dresses. Schools will no longer teach evolution -- as if the little bastards pay attention to it anyway - and anything remotely approaching a provable fact will be dismissed as "of the world" and immediately outlawed. Once again, the sun will revolve around us and the fun police will be out bashing heads. Umm, no. Fascism: Health care, schmelth care, we'll all have nice box houses at the base of the factory! How about Fascism? Let's nationalize all of our corporations and give all of their CEOs governmental ministries to run. Health care, schmelth care, we'll all have nice box houses at the base of the factory! And think of the order and tidiness of our new fatherland, no more messy undesirables or dissenters allowed! Ethnic cleansing is a go! The trains will run on time and our military will be attired in the snazziest of uniforms. On the negative side, we would suffer the unfortunate side-effect of losing most of our creative geniuses and almost all of our freedoms. So maybe that's not the way to go after all. No, I think maybe a minor tuning is required instead of an entire overhaul; a gentle goosing up Lady Liberty's skirt if you will. We could try proportional representation (sometimes known as plurality elections or "winner-takes-most elections") where we would vote for the party instead of the candidates. Clinton got 42% of the vote? Then 42% of the congress would be Democratic. Since Dole got 38%, Republicans would get 38% of the Congressional seats and, most frightening, Perot would appoint around 20%. While this would certainly make for an interesting legislative session, it wouldn't be that radical of a change from what we have now. In fact, voting would become less about an individual and more about some vague ideology that you may or may not wholly approve of. The process of selecting candidates is bad enough now without putting it entirely in control of the respective parties. In fact, I think that we only need to change one thing with our current system; the way we pick our elected officials. I say we have a random lottery to select our national and state officials. All U.S. citizens between the ages of 30 to 65 would be put in a pool and picked from the hat for each office. All national elections would be decided with a lottery encompassing all 50 states and all state-wide elections would be decided by a state-wide lottery to keep representation local. Sound farfetched? Jury duty is by far one of the most important positions in government. As a juror, you potentially sit in judgment of whether another human being should live or die. How are these people chosen? By random chance. If you're a voter, you're a potential juror. That's your only qualification. Yeah sure, it's rare that you get called for such a large case, and the lawyers for both sides have the final say on who stays and who goes, but by-and-large jurors are chosen by fate. If such an important decision can be left to chance, why not pick our elected officials the same way? "I can't be President, I have to take my mother for an eye exam next week" Think of the benefits; barriers would fall with every election period. Alaska, Hawaii, and South Dakota would finally have a shot at having a native president. Old white guy rule would be a thing of the past as a black, woman, or gay President would only be a matter of time. Limit all offices to only one term to ensure turnover, stretch the Congressional term from two to three years and you're in business. Think of the excitement of election night as huge selection parties are held all across America, each waiting for a phone call. The odds would be huge against you ever having to actually serve in office anyway. You'd have a one in 220 million shot to sit in the Oval Office. We could even make a Publisher's Clearinghouse style ambush appointment by sending the secret service with a camera around in a van to pick up our new President. Businesses, by law, would be forbidden to fire or replace someone selected for service, and all of the loopholes that can get you out of jury duty should excuse you from office as well ("I can't be President, I have to take my mother for an eye exam next week"). Sure there are some downsides, but not any more than we have now. Concerned that the government won't be able to do anything or pass any laws due to the influx of neophytes each year? Good! I'm never happier with my government as I am when they are not doing anything! If someone would run on the platform of never passing another law, I'd vote for them in a second. Nothing is worse than a legislative body that thinks it has to pass a law every three days or so to be productive. Are you worried that the new Congressmen and Senators will do nothing but pass laws that benefit themselves and their friends? Please. West Virginia has 8 lane roads that go to nowhere thanks to Sen. Byrd and you still have to pay to drive across the damn state! The only thing different would be the scope and range of the projects; "The distinguished gentleman from Rhode Island proposes funding for his brother's large screen TV, all in favor say Aye." It'll be cheaper! My friend Robbie would get the newly created Secretary of Poon Tang. As for the President, we'd let the joint chiefs of staff handle foreign affairs (like they could do worse), everything else the President does is just window dressing anyway. I guarantee that you would see the most interesting cabinet appointments ever made. I, for example, would appoint my fiancee as Secretary of the Treasury (she's an accountant), my friend Danny as Secretary of Defense (he's always wanted to drive a tank), Jennifer Aniston would get Secretary of Education (I just want to meet her), and my friend Robbie would get the newly created Secretary of Poon Tang. Enough talk, we need action! This would truly be a government of the people, by the people, and for the people. All we need now is a referendum and a vote. Damn the man! Power to the people and let's fire those powerball machines up for change! Go back to page 1! James Williamson lives in South Carolina and works in North Carolina. He ponders among other things traffic problems, absinthe and the band They Might Be Giants. Spite Home | Bile Cabinet Post A Message