DOWN WITH THE DOW
Because too many jerks work on Wall Street
to let it exist any more. by Will Hines
Beth was the nicest person I met
during the year I worked as an editor
on Wall Street. She was one
of those rare people who set
- and reached - very high standards
for herself, without letting the stress show,
always answering the phone pleasantly
and helping others without complaining.
One day she came in to my office
-- panicked. A news wire had
misquoted her boss - a stock analyst
- based on an error in a
report she published. He had
spent that morning screaming at her,
declaring that the stock would
probably drop and cost investors
millions - solely because of her mistake.
As we were rushing to retract the report and
release a corrected version, I looked up
from the computer to see that she had been crying.
"Does everyone else screw up as much
as I do?" she asked. "Or is my boss just
... unusually vigilant?"
Beth, he was more than just unusually
vigilant. He was a robot - and a screaming
asshole.
It was just one of many experiences with
complete jerks on Wall Street - a series
which convinced me of one inarguable truth:
THE STOCK MARKET IS EVIL AND
MUST BE DESTROYED.
Not just that one boss. The cancer has
grown too large in the financial industry.
It's time to end the evil of midtown
Manhattan -- and shut down the Dow.
We must hold our industries to higher
standards of character: IF AN INDUSTRY
CONSISTENTLY ATTRACTS THE MORALLY
DEPRAVED OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME
- THAT IN ITSELF IS REASON ENOUGH
TO CONDEMN IT!
Lawyers are notoriously loathsome,
but at least their field -- the law -- aspires
to create justice for HUMANS. In finance,
humans bow blindly to the balance sheet.
Analysts ignore people, such as Beth, or the
hundreds laid off in the attempted Staples/Office Depot
merger, or the thousands fired from Apple.
Instead, they scrutinize statistics so abstract
you need months just to understand how
they might relate to something you can see or touch.
In Wall Street, shop talk is always about
"the numbers." Their highest compliment is "Boy, I like the
numbers on this company." Or "They're bringing
in someone who's really gonna get the
numbers up, y'know?" An analyst is endlessly
perched in front of his or her computer,
staring at graphs and spreadsheets of the day's trades
as intently as a dog watches someone carry his
supper dish across the room.
Here's some lessons you might learn on Wall
Street after watching "the numbers."
1) CANCER IS GOOD. Analysts were furious
at the courts for finding tobacco company
Brown and Williamson guilty of illegally
manipulating their research to minimize the
apparent danger of cigarettes. "These stocks
are one of the few reliable building blocks
of mutual fund investment plans," said
the analyst at my firm.
2) JOBS ARE BAD. When employment
rises, the stock market routinely tumbles,
since analysts are frightened the government
will raise interest rates to slow inflation.
In March 1996, when reports showed that
employment had soared, the market immediately
dropped 150 points.
3) ONLY SISSIES WORRY ABOUT
PLANE CRASHES. After a Valujet airplane
crashed, my firm's airline analyst recommended
buying Valujet stock, arguing prices would
fall because of bad publicity, and then rise
again since crashes were a fluke, not
indicative of a failing company. But when
the transportation board SHUT DOWN Valujet
- he was not only embarrassed, but ANGRY.
He declared in a meeting that "this ruling
is not only a loss for investors, but...well,
it's a loss for the American people, who
will not have a quality discount airline."
Perhaps eliminating the entire stock market
is too harsh. How about simply removing it
from society so it can't hurt the lives of
the people who work for publicly traded
companies? Take all the major stock investors
- move them to downtown Manhattan. Every
morning, everyone puts a couple million in a
pot and then proceeds to calculate equations.
At 4 p.m., an impartial board awards money
based on everyone's score.
That way the filthy rich robots can have their
numbers. And they can keep trading money
with each other- which is all the stock market
seems to accomplish anyway. Companies can
focus on selling cars, making computers,
repairing airplanes - or whatever they're
supposed to be doing.
As I grow older and look back at my time on
Wall Street, my most vivid memory will
probably be my last afternoon. As I finished
cleaning out my desk, an analyst stopped in to
drop off a report. He had stopped in a few times
a month during my tenure, and wanted to wish
me luck.
"So how long were you here - a year, 13 months?"
That's right, I told him.
"Boy, it goes by fast, doesn't it? Well,
take care, Chris," he said, and walked out.
Thanks, I thought, but my name is Will.
At least he got the numbers right.
Will Hines is editor and publisher of Spite Magazine.
Write Spite at whines@spitemag.com
Copyright 1997 Will Hines