El Niño is responsible for the unseasonable warmth experienced last week in the northeast. El Niño is responsible for the high amounts of precipitation in the West. El Niño is responsible for Sonny Bono's fatal skiing accident. It seems like El Niño is taking the blame for everything these days.

I don't think so.

The Hoax that is

by Kevin Hines

Exhibit One: Weathermen are infamous for being unreliable. Who puts faith into what a weatherman claims? In the past the only people who have ever listened to these yahoos are couples planning picnics, and kids hoping for a snowfall so they can forgo their homework. In fact even if they say it will be sunny, people still throw an umbrella into their car.

Yet we swallow this load of nonsense about El Niño without a moment's hesitation. I suggest that weathermen concocted this story to try to appear as more than just poorly dressed comic relief for the news. Which brings me to

Do they have too much power?

Exhibit Two: Past attempts to be taken seriously have failed. First they started calling themselves "Meteorologists" in a vain attempt to appear like scientists instead of the weather-guessing-con-artists they truly are. But few people fell for that lame trick.

Today's Forecast: LIES!

Next they brought out their fancy 3-D weather charts to impress the public while at the same time creating the clever ruse that they used electronic equipment and didn't just look out the window and think, "tut tut, it looks like rain. ".

Their newest plan is to make weather appear newsworthy, but the weathermen can't wait for another blizzard or hurricane. They want news now! They want news all year long! They want respect! So in a cover-up that makes Roswell look like a Kindergarten lie and the JFK conspiracy look like a typo, these weathermen have created this faux event they dubbed El Niño!

Exhibit Three: The weather isn't that unusual. Weather is different every year. Some years there are droughts in the Midwest, some years there are blizzards across the north, and some years the Bahamas doesn't even get hit by a hurricane, yet no water currents caused these incidents. The only reason this year has a goat to blame is because the weathermen arbitrarily decided to unveil their creation this year.

No one can even observe their bluff, because the only people who care what is happening with water currents are in on the scheme. So people stand around the water cooler at work complaining about what the weatherman said about El Niño on last night's news, all the while Al Roker and The Weather Channel yuk it up.

Do you trust this man?

Well "meteorologists", pack up your bowties and put away your blue screen. The jig is up, and Spite Magazine has called you on the ruse.

Nice try, and better luck next time.

You can go to a list of old articles.
Or go to the main page.

Or leave a comment on the Spite Message Board.