Spite presents:   Astronauts Are Boring, Bring On The Geeks! by Bradford Contemporary (One of two versions). October 29, 1998 -- Today, millions will watch 77-year-old John Glenn ascend into space and then call him a hero. They will be wrong. (Actually, I think Mr. Glenn is a false hero whose importance as a symbol survives only because of misguided sentiment for the supposed "good 'ol days" that never existed. But really, that's besides the point. And perhaps unsupportable.) My point is: There's nothing about astronauts that's worth worshipping. Don't misunderstand, I see what's great about BEING an astronaut. Flying into space would be fun! Sure it's potentially fatal, but statistically, I bet it's safer than Amtrak. But the appeal of space travel as a spectator sport baffles me. What's so exciting about watching anyone -- even a 77-year-old certified national icon like John Glenn -- sit still for hours and hours? Are people watching in case it blows up, like the Challenger? If not, what are they waiting for? The exciting results of weightlessness on arthritis? Okay, I'll grant you that the phenomena of a huge rocket ship lifting into the air and up into space under its own power is awe-inspiring. So I understand the attraction of watching a space shuttle lift off. But why are we so fascinated with the person behind the wheel? Isn't an astronaut the member of a space crew most easily replaced by a chimp? Some people argue that astronauts are heroes because they risk their lives for the good of advancing America's technology. Welllllll, okay. I guess that's technically true. But we're not normally that impressed by people who simply put their lives on the line for the good of society. Hasn't every big city policeman and every solider potentially put his or her life on the line? Yet, we don't have a Biography special on each member of the ROTC! America worships its astronauts because we are TOLD to, by newspapers, by old TV shows, even by the government -- each of whom dotes on space pilots as if they are just the most amazing individuals. But if you pull yourself back from the hype, you see that the real heroes of the space race are the engineers who built the rocket itself! Those guys are the real national treasures! The only talent an astronaut needs is an ability to ignore the possibility of a huge engine blowing up beneath him. "But the sacrifice they're willing to make!" cries the defender of the spaceman. What sacrifice? Ten hours of flying around in a kitchen sink? Then a lifetime of ticker-tape parades, talk shows and free money? Some sacrifice! Think about the people who built the rocket again. They've probably missed most of their adult lives because they were locked up in a library memorizing physics so they could build the most amazing machines mankind has known! Have you ever studied physics? Let me tell you, THAT is a sacrifice! But the guy who designed the heat shield on the nose of the shuttle returns to his office in the basement of the Pentagon, and John Glenn goes on the cover of Time. Also, John Glenn has nostalgia on his side, since he's from the 1960s, the most-worshipped decade in the western world. It's no longer enough to simply reminisce about the baby boomers' youth. Now we have to do it all over. Woodstock held a second concert. The Rolling Stones continue to tour. Even the Beatles recorded another album. Each led to crappy results, but ones that raked in the cash because of nostalgia. And now, America takes one of the original seven astronauts and hurls him above the atmosphere. Can't we all just watch the History Channel about his first flight? So forget John Glenn! He's not exactly a rocket scientist, if you know what I mean. Bradford Contemporary lives across the street from a construction site that begins work at 6:30 am. There's a slightly more serious version of this. Spite Home | Bile Cabinet Post A Message