I woke up this morning, and is my usual habit, turned on the TV to catch this morning's edition of Beast Wars. What can I say? Japanese animated 3D robots really seem to wake me up. Anyway, after Beast Wars goes off, I usually turn the channel to one of the network morning shows. I don't know which one, I usually don't pay it that much attention. I get a little light banter, too much weather, and every now and then Martha Stewart will drop by. It makes excellent background noise and occasionally I'll hear some actual news. So anyway, this morning I turn the damn thing on and the lead story on their "news" segment is the heat. Apparently, it was hot yesterday. Forget that some racist in Chicago went looney-toons and shot up a neighborhood, forget that peace talks in North Ireland have stalled, forget that India and Pakistan could go nuclear, oh no, stop the presses; it was hot! Oh God, Joan Lunden broke a sweat, let's do a special report!

They had info-graphics, graphics that said "Heatwave 99" to put up behind their heads while they talked, weather reports, weather graphics, interviews with doctors, with your average man-on-the-street, with firemen, interviews with other reporters, segments on dogs being hot, tips on how to stay cool (one of their suggestions, stay inside!), and they also did a piece on old people dropping like Frosty the Snowman in the Sahara. This hot weather obsession evolved into a thirty minute love-in on the subject of heat. They even had some poor bastard in a suit and tie, full make-up who had to stand outside and give live reports on how hot it felt ("Even though it's barely 8:30, I'm standing here on 5th avenue, sweating in this unnatural heat."). They should have left him outside all day, cutting in from time to time to see when he'd drop.

I've never understood the news media's fascination with all things weather, but this heat angle is mystifying even in light of that. News flash morons: It's July. It's supposed to be hot! If it starts to snow in New York in July, call me, I want to know about that. But if the sun is shining and people break a sweat, it's not news.

By now you're probably saying, "shut up," or "so what?" , or you've stopped reading altogether. Or you may be saying, "what's with the title? Why didn't you name it 'An open letter to the media?' Why pick on the North you ignorant red-necked slob?" Well, I was getting to that. First off, let me establish that, yes, I am from, and reside in, the South. Namely South Carolina, which apparently, from the heat in the summer, has a direct fissure to hell opened up in it somewhere. Trust me, we know heat. Anyway, for the most part the news media, other than Ted Turner's propoganda machine in Atlanta, is based in New York. So the reporters, producers, camera men, make-up people, executives-everybody tends to live there. So we have to listen ad nasuem to anything that is currently pissing them off. In this case, namely the heat.