by Will Hines

You're lucky to be reading this. Because of the pitifully low number of visitors to this site, Spite Magazine's board of directors threatened to shut us down early last week. But during a dramatic meeting of its top staff members, Spite was saved from what seemed like certain death. As editor, I will never forget that day. The staff had gathered at its New York City office:

"I'll be blunt," I started off. "We must do something to attract people to this site. Instead of our goal of 1,000 visits a day, we attract roughly 1,000 visits a month. Spite is a sinking ship, just like the TITANIC, a movie starring LEONARDO DI CAPRIO, (who has also done movies with CLAIRE DANES, JOHNNY DEPP, and MARKY MARK), and co-starring KATE WINSLET, who is attractive but perhaps not as sexy as TERI HATCHER, CLAUDIA SCHIFFER, DEMI MOORE, GILLIAN ANDERSON, or CINDY CRAWFORD, though some people will always favor PAMELA ANDERSON LEE and JENNY MCCARTHY. Or even ALYSSA MILANO. In addition to MARTHA STEWART, MILLA JOVOVICH, YASMINE BLEETH, HALLE BERRY, JENNIFER ANISTON, COURTNEY COX, TYRA BANKS, ELIZABETH HURLEY, or even CHER. Older but still very enticing are JAMIE LEE CURTIS, FARRAH FAWCETT, MADONNA, MICHELLE PFEIFFER, and KIM BASINGER. And if we don't do something pronto, we are each out of a job."

"This pandering to 'cyber-ratings' sickens me," declared Stadley Rough, the elder statesman and culture critic of Spite Magazine. "If you are suggesting we write articles filled with comments about today's popular icons, like, oh, MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY, TOM CRUISE, ADAM SANDLER, PIERCE BROSNAN, GEORGE CLOONEY, RICHARD GERE, SEAN CONNERY, JIM CARREY, MATT DAMON, JOHN CUSACK, MATTHEW PERRY, NAS, BRUCE WILLIS, BRAD PITT, DAVID DUCHOVNY, CLINT EASTWOOD, QUENTIN TARATINO, O.J. SIMPSON, ROBERT DENIRO, HARRISON FORD, ALEC BALDWIN, cast members of SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, just so our magazine shows up in search engines, well I say nay! I will not be a party to such commercialism!"

Meanwhile Brian Hines, contributing writer simply gazed out the window at the streets of New York, setting for such hit television shows as SEINFELD, FRIENDS, N.Y.P.D. BLUE, CAROLINE IN THE CITY, MAD ABOUT YOU, but not SOUTH PARK, the X-FILES, SIMPSONS, STAR TREK, (either the old ones with WILLIAM SHATNER as CAPTAIN JAMES KIRK and new ones with PATRICK STEWART as CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD), DEEP SPACE NINE, BABYLON FIVE, THE TICK, BAYWATCH, XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, E.R., BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD, BATMAN. New York City is home to talks shows hosted by DAVID LETTERMAN, HOWARD STERN, but not OPRAH WINFREY none of whom ever had as guests PRINCESS DIANA, MOTHER THERESA, PRINCE CHARLES, FORMER PRINCESS FERGIE, PRINCE ANDREW, PRINCES WILLIAM AND HARRY, QUEEN ELIZABETH, the QUEEN MOTHER, MIKHAIL GORBACHOV, the VIRGIN MARY, POPE JOHN PAUL or any POPES or MAO TSE-TUNG.

"You're one to talk, Stadley," said Managing Editor Kevin Hines, while he examined a recent issue of the magazine GEORGE, edited by JOHN KENNEDY, who once dated DARRYL HANNAH, and was related to FORMER PRESIDENT JOHN KENNEDY, (otherwise known as JFK, who is believed to have slept with MARILYN MONROE, who is still more famous then CAMERON DIAZ), BOBBY KENNEDY, ETHYL KENNEDY, JACKIE KENNEDY, (who was also known as JACQUELIN O'NASSIS), TEDDY KENNEDY, ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER (by marriage), MICHAEL KENNEDY, CAROLINE KENNEDY, WILLIAM KENNEDY SMITH, ROSE KENNEDY, JOE KENNEDY SR., and JOE KENNEDY JR. "You were crying for days when no one responded to your piece about PATRICK EWING, star of the NEW YORK KNICKS?"

Stadley responded: "My point wasn't that Ewing deserved an article, it was..."

"Aren't we getting a little distracted from the point?" Kevin asked. "We could talk about what's more popular, GODZILLA or 007 JAMES BOND, or whether people prefer BATMAN to SUPERMAN but we want people to come to SPITE MAGAZINE as a HILARIOUS HUMOR MAGAZINE which is also an INFORMATIVE E-ZINE, and considered by some to be THE BEST WEB SITE, or a COOL SITE!"

"Enough fighting!" I said. "This is a crisis! We need eyeballs looking at this site, and we need them soon!"

"Say, what's this opening across the street?" asked Contributing Writer F. Amos Jester. "It looks like a strip bar! There's a big neon sign that says 'NUDE WOMEN NOW. PORN ADULT SEX! FREE LIVE CHAT!! SEXY NAKED WOMEN! VIDEO SEX!! ADULTS ONLY! XXX SEX ALL THE TIME, BEST PORNO PICTURES HERE, NUDE CELEBRITIES. HOT SEX, NUDE GIRLS, GIRLS WHO WANT YOU NOW, GIRLS WHO WILL TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES RIGHT NOW HERE FOR YOU NO CHARGE'"

"Amos, please, we're trying to have a meeting," I said.

"It also says 'BLOW-UP SEX DOLLS, like the REAL DOLL, FRENCH TICKLERS, DILDOS, ANAL INTRUDERS, STRAP-ONS, SADO-MASOCHISM EQUIPMENT, like LEATHER WHIPS, BODY HARNESSES, BODY SADDLES, GAG BALLS, LEATHER MASKS with zippers, VIBRATORS, as seen in such publications as PLAYBOY, PENTHOUSE, HUSTLER, JUGS, BARELY LEGAL, BLACK LOVE, GAY LOVE, VAGINAL CREAM QUARTERLY..."

"That's a big sign," Kevin said.

"It also says FREE SEX, COMPLETELY NAKED WOMEN from OTHER COUNTRIES, HERMAPHRODITES, TRANSSEXUALS, DEVIANTS WANTED, HOT NUDE PICS AT NO CHARGE, FREE TERM PAPERS, FREE ILLEGAL DRUGS, HEAD SHOP, CRACK RECIPIES, THINGS TO DO WITH POT, SPEED, CRYSTAL METH, HALLUCINOGENS, FREE MONEY, SOLUTION TO THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION, CURE FOR ALL DISEASES, and FREE TICKETS TO HEAVEN."

"Be that as it may, we still need something in these articles that people out there want to see," I said, although admittedly I was distracted at that time by a book which promised to help me MAKE MONEY FAST, and perform ON-LINE INVESTING, and show me how to find CHEAP HOT STOCKS, EXPERT INVESTMENT RESEARCH FOR FREE, GUARANTEED MONEY, CHEAP REAL ESTATE TRANSACTIONS, CHEAP AIRLINE TICKETS, and teach ways to MAKE MORE MONEY, LOTS OF MONEY IN ONLY SIX WEEKS, NO EXPERIENCE REQUIRED, and also find DREAM JOBS, GREAT JOBS, PERFECT JOBS, JOBS FOR TWICE AS MUCH MONEY, CAREER CHANGES, JOBS IN ACTING, JOBS IN WRITING, JOBS IN ART, JOBS IN COMPUTER PROGRAMMING WITH NO PRIOR EXPERIENCE.

Suddenly, contributing writer NOEL GALLAGHER, who is also songwriter and guitarist for the British rock group OASIS piped up. He said "Hold uba minit, mate. I'fe gotta uhdea. I'll puht togetha a goncert that'll be tops. Zhat way, we do't hab to worry 'bout ow many fooking 'its we git, cos we'll be fooking millionaires. Cheers."

"What'd he say?" I asked.
"I think he wants to put on a rock show to raise money for Spite." Brian said.

"Hold tight, mate!" said NOEL GALLAGHER, who marched out the door. He soon returned, followed by the members of the bands MARILYN MANSON, HANSON, SPICE GIRLS, THE BEATLES, PULP, BLUR, WU-TANG CLAN, RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, BLUES TRAVELER, THE WALLFLOWERS, CHUMBAWAMBA, SUBLIME, THIRD EYE BLIND, SAVAGE GARDEN, MATCHBOX 20, TONIC, HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH, AEROSMITH, THE POLICE, ROLLING STONES, THE KINKS, THE DOORS, THE SEX PISTOLS, BUDDY HOLLY and the CRICKETS, the JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE, METALLICA, DAVE MATTHEWS BAND, IRON MAIDEN, LYNYRD SKYNYRD, EN VOGUE, PEARL JAM, NIRVANA, GARBAGE, SOUNDGARDEN, LED ZEPPELIN and solo artists JEWEL, PUFF DADDY, a tribute artist impersonating the NOTORIOUS B.I.G., otherwise known as BIGGIE SMALLS, WHITNEY HOUSTON, GARTH BROOKS, LORETTA LYNN, PATSY CLINE, FIONA APPLE, RAY CHARLES, ELTON JOHN, ROSEANNE CASH, SHANIA TWAIN, ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK, TONI BRAXTON, LEANN RIMES, BOB DYLAN, FOXY BROWN, T.L.C., MICHAEL JACKSON, JANET JACKSON, L'IL KIM, SLIM WHITMAN, STING, JACKSON BROWNE, PETER FRAMPTON, ELVIS COSTELLO, ROBYN, BILLY JOEL, FRANK SINATRA, ALANIS MORISSETTE, and ELVIS PRESLEY. Noel's brother LIAM had refused to attend.

"Wow. I would've figured that Jewel hated Puff Daddy," I said.
"Who's Engelbert Humperdinck?" Kevin said.

Noel signaled for the band to begin, and soon the streets outside of our offices filled with cheering crowds. Every fan threw money into the windows of our office, and it wasn't too long before we had collected ten million dollars. The concert ended, the crowds cleared, and the staff gave their heartfelt thanks to NOEL for his great idea. Then we closed up the office to rest up for our next issue.

"Whew! That was close!" I said.

So as you can see, it was a harrowing week, and you really are lucky to be reading this. But now that our problems are solved, you can count on us to come out with more material each and every Tuesday. Hope to see you here. Cheers.

You can see other articles.
Or return to the main page.