Spite presents, part two of our baseball special edition: The Will Hines Home Run Race by Will Hines Picture of me socking another homer. McGwire's Homer: So What? NYC, September 10 -- This past Monday, Mark McGwire smacked a baseball over the left field wall of his home team's stadium, his 62nd of the season, thus breaking the long-standing record for most home runs in a season. America's media has shifted into overdrive, producing countless articles about the greatness of Mark's feat. I'm sure I'm not the only one to think this, but I have a question: so what? Have you seen how big this guy is? OF COURSE he broke the home run record. He should be embarrassed he didn't break it sooner. The only tough thing about hitting home runs for someone that big is getting the ball to escape his body's personal gravity field. If an athlete succeeds against his or her limitations, then that's interesting. Like when people finish marathons in wheelchairs. Or when the 1980 U.S. hockey team beat the Soviets. My Humble Beginnings You want to know about a great home run hitter? You're in luck: I am one. That's right. Will Hines is a great home run hitter. I bestride baseball history like a colossus, except I'm doing it with a five-foot, seven-inch body. I didn't used to be a great home run hitter. In fact, I just became one this past August 29th, at the bachelor party of my friend David Will. We were playing wiffle ball. Most of my friends approached the game casually, which infuriated me. I take all competition seriously. When my friends starting playing outfield while holding their beers, I shivered with anger. In fact, I vowed that I would teach them all a lesson by hitting a home run when they least expected it. Unfortunately, I suck. In ninth grade gym class, it took me roughly fifteen weeks to run the mile for Presidential Fitness Exam. Nevertheless, on August 29, 1998, I pledged that I would hit a home run. My game started poorly. My first hit was a solid shot down the third base line, but I was thrown out because Dave hid first base in his pants. My next two hits were high fly balls, both caught easily by beer-wielding infidels. "The Hit" At the bottom of the 14th inning, I stepped up to the plate. Dave announced that the game had become boring and the next team to score would automatically win. "But Dave -- we can't stop until I hit a home run," I protested. "Well, you'd better do it quick," he said, sipping his drink. "Fine." I calmly replied. I then shouted up to my friend on the back deck of the house that marked the end of our playing field. "Hey, Ed. I just want to give you a heads-up. I'm hitting this next one up there on the deck." Ed, who had wisely avoided our game, looked up from his conversation. "Whatever," he replied. Pitcher Mike Modica delivered his trademark split-fingered curve ball. I inhaled, and heaved the lean yellow plastic bat. I watched it hit the ball. POP. The white plastic sphere glided easily above all of my friends' heads and onto the deck, landing not two feet from where Ed was sitting -- over twenty-five yards total. A home run. Cheers abounded. In spite of my desire to remain solemn, I grinned deliriously. My friends laughed in disbelief as they gave me high-fives. "He called his shot," a voice shrieked from my team. More than one player compared me to Babe Ruth. As I sat down after touching home, I tried to think of a greater sports achievement in my life, and realized that nothing even come close. At 28 years old, I had experienced what would probably be my greatest personal sports moment. Now, for Mark McGwire to hit 62 in a season isn't bad. But for a man his size, it isn't great either. But for a former math team captain to pick up a bat at 28 years of age, and correctly predict his home run with radar-like accuracy is simply amazing. If you were there, you might have laughed, but you would begrudgingly agree with me.   (Don't forget to check out Greg's prediction that the Red Sox will win the World Series this year.)   This is a true story. Although Will Hines' favorite sport is bowling. Spite Home | Bile Cabinet Post A Message