Baseball season rapidly approaches. And if it hasn't been obvious before, we here at Spite Magazine love baseball. During the offseason we celebrated our love of America's Favorite Pastime by putting together a baseball lineup. Not just any lineup, we did what no other ex-ballplayer, or sports journalist could do. We determined Spite presents: Baseball's Greatest Team Ever, Ever! by Brian and Kevin Hines The Hitters (in batting order) CF Willie 'Mays' Hayes    Speed kills. Having Hayes as a leadoff man creates an instant threat for our team. The man came from nowhere to earn a spot on a championship caliber Cleveland Indians team. However we will have to keep an eye on his desire to be a power hitter. His former coach Lou Brown had the right idea when ordered Hayes to do 20 pushups every time he hit one in the air… even if it was during a game. LF Kelly Leak.    This was a no-brainer. Leak almost single-handedly carried his little league team to the California Northern Valley League Championships. If it meant covering the entire outfield or swinging completely across the plate to get a hit, Leak did it. No wonder he is feared at the plate, in the field, and in the cafeteria, Kelly is regarded as the best athlete in school and one bad mother. He was able to bat over .800 for the Bears and had a fantastic air hockey game to boot. These factors make Kelly Leak a great addition to this team. We feel this young man has a bright future ahead, with his only drawback being his work ethic and health (smoking at the age of 12). SS SNOOPY    At shortstop we needed a player with great defense. One who could play in his sleep if needs be. Snoopy is that player. The undisputed best player from the Peanuts gang team, Snoopy brings a calm and cool attitude to the toughest defensive position in the game. It doesn't stop there, as he is also a tremendous power hitter. He almost beat Babe Ruth's career home run record before Hank Aaron, and it stands to reason he has demolished it since then. As long as we can keep Snoopy from wandering off to fly his Sopwith Camel , play in Wimbledon, or perform his Suppertime dance for that round headed kid he will be a welcome addition to the team. RF Roy Hobbs    There is absolutely no question who needs to be the clean up hitter of this team. Roy can hit. With or without his homemade bat, you can guarantee Roy will be hitting a home run every time (assuming we keep Kim Basinger out of the stands). During his tenure with the New York Knights he hit the cover off of the ball, he shattered a clock, and he destroyed a lighting system. Roy might cost us more in park repairs, but he is worth it. Roy can even pitch if he doesn't mind opening up a wound in his side. He can do it all. He is the Natural. And he is pretty damn good looking for such an old guy. C Dottie Henson    Dottie brings stellar catching and a good team attitude that makes her a shoe-in to be team captain. She is willing to showboat for the good of the league, and keeps spirits high. She understands the game well enough to coach, and that know-how, combined with a lethal bat, is a great package behind the plate. 3B Ed    Several baseball purists have questioned our choice for 3rd base considering he's a monkey. Sure, Ed is a monkey, but let us make one thing clear… Ed is a monkey with a golden glove and a rocket for an arm. The concerns of a communication barrier between ape and man can also be laid to rest. With rudimentary pointing and smiling the coaching staff understand what Ed is trying to say 100 percent. Besides, our shortstop doesn't speak either. 1B Jack Elliot    How can you not have a person named "Mr. Baseball" on your team? We are more than aware that he is a bit past his prime, and spent his more recent seasons in Japan but we are convinced he belongs on our squad. Elliot brings a veteran quality that you can't teach to younger players. Plus he got to make out with Courtney Cox, and that's a plus in our book. 2B Tony Micelli    Some people may think Tony Micelli lacks the baseball experience needed to truly help our team. Sure he only played for the Cardinals for 2 months but he more than makes up for it off the field. Tony is a great cook, keeps the club house clean, and acts as a very important father-figure to our younger members such as Leak, Whurlitzer, and Rowengartner. Staff Coach:Jimmy Dugan    487 career HR, 6 Time NL HR Champ, 58 HR in 1936. Impressive stats. Dugan has been impressive from the bench too. Despite being drunk for half the season he coached the Rockford Peaches to a championship series. And he already has a great relationship with our team captain and catcher. Owner: Billy Heywood    You know. The kid who inherited the Twins from his grandfather and made himself coach. He proved himself to the Twins, and in the process learned something too. What we learned: Billy is great general manager material. This kid will have every player's baseball card stats memorized, and that kind of dedication in the front office promises to keep the team strong. Pitchers: (in order of rotation) Closer: Ricky Vaughn    Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn was the number one starter for the Cleveland Indians. After studying numerous game tapes we decided his power and personality make him an ideal closer. We were a little worried when his second season was not as impressive as his first. But thanks to him finding his leather jacket and humorously unattractive glasses, he was the Rick Vaughn of old firing strike after strike. P Steve Nebraska    Our ace comes from the Mexican leagues where he was discovered. He is a nervous player and needs to be handled with kid gloves. But when he is on the mound, no one can match his skill. And I mean no one. In his first professional game he struck out each and every player for all nine innings. And to make it even more amazing he got each batter out with only 3 pitches. A perfect perfect game. You take Koufax, Clemens, or Ryan. We take Nebraska. P Henry Rowengartner    Thanks to his tendons healing tight after breaking his arm Rowengartner became one of the most feared players ever to don a Cubs uniform. His arm even makes a freaky elastic band sound when he begins his wind-up. The way we figured it is if he can replace Gary Busey, than he's plenty qualified for this group. P Nuke La Louche    He was in Bull Durham. That movie was funny. P Amanda Whurlitzer    Amanda Whurlitzer is another selection from the Bears team. She's a winner, there is no doubt about that. Whurlitzer handled the pressure of being the Bears' only quality starter, often pitching with a sore arm late in the season. Amanda will do what it takes to win, even if it means throwing her questionable "spitter". She is also skilled in ballet and cleaning pools. P Bugs Bunny    Rounding out our rotation is the fast-talking hare that everyone is familiar with. Obviously his slow ball is his magic pitch. With that pitch Bugs has been known to strike out three men with a single throw. Even Steve Nebraska can't claim that. Bugs can also play every position on the field, at the same time if need be. This versatility will be useful with some of our team's more unique players.

Brian and Kevin are not smart.

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