Not A Detriment To His Team
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Spite presents:
Appropriate Bonuses for Curt Schilling
by Will Hines
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Nov. 6, 2001 - Okay, sometimes I tend to get overly-excited about baseball, but did you
see Curt Schilling pitch last week? My God, he was incredible! He pitched
his team, the Arizona Diamondbacks to a World Series victory, beating the
formerly invincible New York Yankees.
The YANKEES.
HE BEAT THEM.
CURT SCHILLING.
BY HIMSELF.
YES, HE DID. He pitched in THREE games,
though
most pitchers are only strong enough to pitch in two. While he was on the mound, he held the Yankees to zero runs in the first game, one run in game four, and two runs in game seven. That's amazing. He was the team spokeman, its primary warrior and ultimately its unbeatable champion.
Baseball players' contracts usually require that they receive extra money
when they win special awards
like the Most Valuable Player award, or when their teams win the
World Series. Well, I think Curt deserves an even more special bonus than
whatever his contract says. Specifically, here's what Curt deserves next
season:
- A shopping cart full of money placed by his locker before each game.
- A butler with him on the mound at games
- Permission to punch other players if he wants to. He can also kick them.
- The Diamonbacks will no longer use the term "wins." These will be called "Curts."
- If anyone on the Diamondbacks has a child next year, it will be named "Curt."
- Curt is exempted from the Ten Commandments while playing for the Diamondbacks.
- If Curt is eating cereal and another non-Curt Diamondback is eating cereal from the same box and the non-Curt player finds a toy in his bowl, Curt gets it.
- The early bird does not get the worm. Curt gets the worm.
- Non-Curt players are not allowed to look at Curt while thinking about sad things.
- Curt will be declared a sovereign nation. He will be exempt from taxes, and be assigned a representative at the United Nations.
- Curt's arm muscle will be declared a new state of matter. Therefore, there will be Liquid, Solid, Gas and Curt's Arm Muscle.
- History books will be rewritten, substituting "Curt Schilling" in place of "George Washington," "Martin Luther King, Jr." and "Confuscious."
And the same goes double for Randy Johnson.
Will was born on the same day, though not the same year, as Charlie Sheen.
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