I can't believe it happened to us, to our country. I always felt safe and secure in the U.S., but after seeing Fahrenheit 9/11 I know I'm sorely mistaken. That film contains a lot of provocative and disturbing ideas about our country and its leaders. But the most disturbing thing wasn't in the movie itself, but in the info-slides that they show before the movies (and the commercials, the previews and the horrible "theater manners" short). There she was: Ashlee Simpson. In case you had no idea who she was (which I didn't) it had a little blurb next to her stating "This guitar strumming sibling of Jessica Simpson starts recording her album stop reading now because who the hell cares."

And because of that, it is my patriotic duty to beat the crap out of Aaron Carter, younger brother of Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys.

Spite presents:
Aaron Carter, Let's Rumble!
by Brian Hines
Bare Knuckle!

Let's get to Aaron in a second. First of all, since when is Jessica Simpson's sister famous??! Or have the right to be?! And since when is Ashlee an appropriate way to spell of Ashley? I was horrified. I looked around the theater to see if I was alone in my horror. Sure enough, I saw a sea of confused faces in the theater that screamed: Who cares about Jessica Simpson's sister?! I've got nothing against blindly worshipping talentless famous people, but I draw the line at blindly worshipping their even less talented siblings!

Hand-me-down talent
L'il Famous Simpson

Now I'm noticing this behavior all over our beautiful tis of thee! Britney Spears' sister, Jaime Lyn, is on some Nickelodeon show. And it wasn't too long ago Backstreet Boy Nick Carter's brother Aaron was making me puke every time I saw him. How can it be that we as a country have stooped to this level? To be enamored by famous people's siblings? Can't we focus on what's important, the original thing?

Doo run run right outta here
USA Rejects Shaun

C'mon, America -- don't we have better taste than this? After all, we were smart enough to reject New Coke, Triple-Cast, the XFL, solar-powered homes and the metric system.

Last I checked this kind of pop culture hypnotism was only supposed to happen in strange countries that export rubber and shit. Like the Philippines. Wasn't Sean Cassidy HUGE in the Philippines? That is where Aaron Carter's album should be going platinum (or maybe foil, not sure what's considered a precious metal over there). Not here, not in my country!

There's no bees in tuna!
Aren't I funny!??!

Is that all it takes to be famous these days? A sibling who got lucky and most likely has nice abs? Maybe Will or Kevin will hit it big, get nice abs, and I'll get my own reality show even though I barely deserve a kick in the nuts. "The Crappy Brian Hines Show" Oh, just think of the laughs! What adorable thing will I say next?

This is America goddamit! How can we do this to ourselves? We shouldn't be tuning in to Access Hollywood to see what Ralph Cruise and Gary Damon are up to! And if I have it my way, we won't be for long!

I will not rest as my fellow Americans give googly eyes to Hilary Duff's not-yet-famous sister (but she will be, mark my words. I think I saw her in People or some crap). So I'm taking them out one at a time. I'm starting with you Aaron Carter, because I've hated you the most and for the longest. Let's rumble Aaron! Bring the noise! And if you want to bring your big brother too, go ahead! What do you think he's going to do? I'll tell you what: he's going to watch you bleed, baby!

Brian cried more during "Armageddon" than "Schindler's List."

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