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Published: January 27, 1997 |
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The Hazards Of Downhill Skiing by Chris Parent 
In the past month, the number of famous people who die in skiing accidents has increased twofold, and this massive death toll must be stopped. As a charter member of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Famous People Who Ski, it is important that I relay this message to the general public.The recent deaths of Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono have caused quite a stir among a lot of people, but mainly those people who both ski and are famous. This dangerous sport took the lives of two integral pieces of our society, namely a hippie-turned-Republican and yet-another-unruly Kennedy. This tragedy could have happened to anyone (or at least anyone stupid enough to play football while sliding downhill at 60 miles per hour on two planks of fiberglass), but it didn’t, it happened to famous people. Sure, hundreds of people die in skiing accidents every year, we all know that. But when in recent history has a famous person died while skiing, let alone two? Not one instance comes to mind. Skiing is becoming more and more dangerous for famous people. Why? Who knows? Maybe global warming, or better yet the fear of the approaching millennium. The cause is not important, the resulting tragedy is. Just think, any day now we could lose people like Erik Estrada, Billy Idol, or, god forbid, Tom Arnold. All right, I apologize for using such shocking scare tactics, but I got your attention, didn’t I? I thought so. Now the tough part. What can be done to make sure this tragedy is avoided in the future? Well, we at the S.P.C.F.P.W.S. are proposing a four part plan to help put a stop to the wrongful deaths of famous people. Part one will include the mandatory use of helmets by famous people while participating in skiing or skiing-related activities. Part two calls for the assignment of a ski guide for every famous person who skis. This guide will stay no more than ten feet in front of the famous person for the entire length of the slope. Tow ropes will be provided if necessary. Part three involves the removal of all trees from every ski slope in the contiguous United States and Canada. This sanction will prevent deaths like that of Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono, specifically massive arboreal head trauma. The fourth part of the plan, a regulation directed strictly at the Kennedys, football played by famous people on ski slopes is restricted unless those famous people happen to be professional football players. Special permission may be granted if each member of the playing group scores average or above on the Punt, Pass, and Kick endurance course. All other sports are prohibited on ski slopes except for curling, which is actually impossible to play on a slope. We feel that if these sanctions are implemented, the number of famous people who die while skiing will greatly decrease. We will not lose, for instance, Tony Danza, Tammy Faye Resnick, or the Budweiser Frogs in any skiing accident in the foreseeable future, but only if this plan is followed step by step. At the very least, follow Part four of the plan and prohibit any of the Kennedys from playing football on the slopes…well, maybe Ted can… Chris Parent is a student at Bucknell University. He is neither famous nor a skier. You can see other articles from the Bile Cabinet.
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