No, seriously. The Boston Red Sox are right where they want to be: poised to win the Major League World Series. Sure, as we write this, the Red Sox are four games out of the playoffs with just two weeks left in the season. And sure, there are three teams higher than the Sox in the standings. And sure, the Red Sox have not won a World Series since 1918, probably because they became cursed when they committed the worst trade in sports history by giving Babe Ruth to the Yankees in 1920. Sure. That all might sound logical, but anyone who is familiar with the many intricacies of the game can see that despite all of the above, a Red Sox championship is guaranteed.

To help those of you that are not as familiar with the game Spite writers Will Hines, Kevin Hines and Greg Lancaster have written up some of the more obvious reasons:

1. Madonna has a #1 single. The Material Girl is back! Just when you thought the old dog was down, she's learned a new trick and is back on top. "Retro" is clearly a theme here -- and baseball is going to "retro" all the way back to 1918! Get those World Series rings ready for the Sox!
   
   
2. The Sports Illustrated curse cancels out Babe Ruth curse. Granted, the Red Sox became cursed when they gave away Babe Ruth in 1920. But then in April this year Sports Illustrated predicted a championship for the Red Sox -- and it's well known that an SI prediction is a curse all by itself. But it's ALSO well-known that two bad curses make one good one, and that's the Curse of The Red Sox Always Winning The World Series.
   
   
3. Other teams score too many runs. All but one team in the American League has a higher batting average than the Boston Red Sox, and that's our greatest strength. While all those other batters have been wearing themselves out by hitting the ball, Boston players have been saving their strength for the playoffs. Look out championship trophy, here come the Sox!
   
   
4. The Red Sox retired Carlton Fisk's number (27). Now that Fisk's number is retired, you can add up all retired Red Sox numbers (1, 4, 8, 9 and now 27) -- throw in future retired numbers of Nomar and Pedro (5 and 45) and get 99. Add those digits together and what do you get? 18! Meaning 1918. Meaning the Red Sox will once again win the World Series. You can even multiply 99 by Babe Ruth's number (3) to get 297 -- and that STILL adds up to 18! It jumps right out at you: guaranteed victory for the Sox.
   
   
5. As the century ends, so do its curses. It seems reasonable that even the most stubborn curse would wear off at the start of a new century. And now that the 20th century is over, so is the 20th century Curse of Babe Ruth! Go Sox! (Note to editors: century doesn't technically end until next year -- we can use this reason again!)
   
   

So you can close the books on this season, baseball fans -- because the bottom line is that the Red Sox are going to be the champs.