Julian of Nazareth
Spite presents:
Okay Already, I'll Like the Strokes!
by Brian Hines

Enough. I get the picture. The Strokes are the best band ever. I give up.

Rolling Stone calls them the new kings of rock. Spin has once again chosen their album as the best of the year. It seems like I can't read an article about ANY modern music without some reference to how The Strokes are so cool because they... well, I don't know why. Because people say they sound just like old-school New York punk (which they don't) or for having long hair? For being drunk?

But every year the critics pick SOME band to gush over. What's strange about The Strokes is that my friends seem to be brainwashed as well.

"Oh, Brian, you like music. You must like The Strokes," said a friend who has borrowed CDs from me a lot.
"Yeah, they're okay," I said.
"Just 'okay'?!" responded my incredulous friend. "What are you talking about? The Strokes are your kind of music. You like them," he ordered.

Well, I KIND of do, or did. I got their first album "Is This It" for Christmas last year (unasked for, but apparently it is a law for men under 30 to own a Strokes album), and found it to be... just okay. I liked their singles, and the album as a whole was pretty solid. But to be perfectly honest, I like the latest Hives album better. I just couldn't hear anything mind-blowing in the Strokes music. Apparently, I was wrong.

"How can you not like the Strokes?" another friend asks.
"I don't NOT like them -- I just don't see the fuss." I answered.
"Shut up. You love them," they said.

I haven't got this much crap from people for ONLY liking something since I told my two geeky older brothers that I didn't love War Games.

So you know what? Fine. I don't need to know why they're so good. I'll take it at everyone's word that I'm missing something and that the Strokes are indeed the greatest band in rock n' roll.

Before this decision, my personal favorite bands were the Beatles, Nirvana, REM and probably the Police. But now I can see that they are, respectively -- crap, lame, underachievers, and wimps. What was I thinking? I like music, therefore I like The Strokes and only The Strokes.

So I've thrown out all of my albums to make room for my new Strokes discography. A little overboard you think? Rolling Stone stated "Just as Nirvana became the face of grunge in the early Nineties, the Strokes have become the face of the so-called new garage-rock scene." I don't know about you, but I don't want to get caught with my pants down, being the asshole who owns Nirvana AND Soundgarden. What a waste of money!

You love them. You MUST.
Do not look at this picture.
They are too good.

The Strokes were on the cover of Rolling Stone last month and I've heard nothing but great things about their newest release Room on Fire. I listened to it, and it sounds a lot like their first album. For most bands, that's a bad thing. "Oh, R.E.M.'s new album sounds just like they're last great album? How horrible! Oh, Radiohead's new album doesn't sound anything like the last album which everyone loved? How brave! Oh, but The Strokes' new albium sounds EXACTLY like their first one? How wonderful! How perfect! Oh God, I love The Strokes! I love them so much!" It's somehow more evidence that The Strokes are the greatest band to ever play a note. I now understand this, and sincerely apologize for taking so long to realize it.

Spin Magazine named them the best band of 2003. Why so conservative? They should be the best band of Years 1-2093. As a matter of fact, they should change their book name to "Stroke Magazine" and write about how everyone else sucks. Not just musicians, but all of us other people in general. I suck because I'm not in the Strokes, but at least now I will go along with the scientifically proven fact, the Strokes can bring people back to life.

I wouldn't mind seeing the Stokes play live, but I'd have to kill myself and get into Heaven to watch them play a show since they're perfect and can exist only in an afterlife paradise.

It must be easy for them to travel around the country for interviews and such considering their supernatural ability to fly.

Did you know the Strokes are the first band to win a Grammy, Oscar, Emmy, Nobel peace prize, Pulitzer, in one day? And they are the first band to be made up entirely of Rhodes Scholars? I didn't. But I do now, and that is why I threw out my CD player. I bought a new one with a 5 CD changer, and into the tray I have permanently glued two copies of Is This It, two copies of Room on Fire and in the final slot a mix CD with my favorite tracks from those two albums.

If the Strokes were to play the Lakers in basketball, I bet the Strokes' drummer Fabrizio Moretti would have a triple double without breaking a sweat. Shaquille O'Neal, guarded by Julian Casablancas, would be held scoreless.

The national anthem is going to be replaced by "Last Nite" and everyone's alarm clock will play "Meet Me in the Bathroom" to wake them up for work. Oh, and from now on, everyone's sole responsibilities at work will be to listen to more Strokes.

I love the Strokes.

Brian describes the show Smallville as Dawson's Creek with super powers.

Front Page | Bile Cabinet