If America is really that concerned about its elected officials obeying the law, why wasn't Ronald Reagan impeached -- or at least disliked -- when we discovered his administration 1) illegally sold weapons to Iran, and then 2) used the profits to pay for a revolutionary movement in Latin America, all behind the back of Congress.

On a possibly unrelated note, if anyone could use a night hitting the skins with a young intern, it's Kenneth Starr. I've known uptight lawyers, but this guy makes nuns from 1950s Catholic schools seem laid-back.

If we hold our elected officials accountable for their personal lives as much as we can their political lives, then there won't be anyone left to run for office.

By the way, President Clinton. I don't feel it's any of my business, but if you're going to risk the White House, couldn't you have found someone more worth it than this particular girl? I mean, John Kennedy risked everything, too, but it was for Marilyn Monroe.

by Bradford Contemporary

Not seven days into the coverage of the alleged affair between President Clinton and a 21-year-old White House intern, and I am already sick of it. I have heard relentless questioning of the president's character, and speculation of what might happen if it's proved that he obstructed justice by asking her to lie under oath.

You know what? I don't care. And neither should anyone else. The president should be allowed to score some tang.

Seriously, there are more important things to worry about. If my garage mechanic is cheating on his wife, I don't need to know about it. I just want my 1981 Honda Accord to be brought back from the dead.

Similarly, if President Clinton needs to pop the cootchie of a willing young woman in order to better mentally prepare to foster the Middle East peace process, then I say he should go ahead.

I don't mean that it's right, morally speaking, just that it's none of my business. It's his wife's business. He doesn't owe the citizens an explanation, as long as he's doing the job they elected him to do.

Actually, I'm willing to give the president even more latitude when it comes to his personal life than I would other people, because he's the president. The reponsibilities he faces in one day are more than I will in my lifetime. It only takes one stressful day of work before I feel out of sorts. Imagine what is required to relax after facing the responsibilities of leading a nation! Just having the power to launch nuclear weapons entitles him to have someone suck his fatty, if that's what's required to keep him focused.

Many people would argue that the crisis isn't about Clinton's alleged affair with an intern, but how he might have asked her to deny it in court, which would mean he obstructed justice.

First of all, that's bullshit. Thousands might nobly claim they are upset simply because the president may have obstructed justice, but they would be lying. They are upset because Clinton was tagging it with a cutie after hours.

If the possibility of "obstruction of justice" was truly a hot button in people's minds, then Clinton would have been run out of the White House on a cheap rail because of Whitewater, Reagan because of the Iran-Contra scandal, and Jimmy Carter because, uh, because, well for something.

Second of all, I don't even care if he did obstruct justice IN THIS CASE. It's not like he obstructed justice in an investigation into campaign finance or the death of Vincent Foster. If he obstructed justice, he did it to protect his personal life. Good for him! The day it's proven he broke the law to extend his political powers, and not just because he was getting some, I'll jump on the impeachment wagon right with Clinton's most devoted enemies.

The individual who seems more likely to have breached the limits of his power is Kenneth Starr, special prosecutor. He bugged the intern's conversations (actually, he got the F.B.I. to do it), ransacked her apartment, extended the jurisdiction of his case, and tried intimidating her (my interpretation, of course) into testifying against the president -- something she chose not to do on her own. And for what? This guy was assigned to investigate Clinton's potential involvement in a real estate scandal, and now he's monitoring the morals of our elected leaders?

Even more absurd is that people are so quick to compare this scandal with Watergate, which led to then-President Richard Nixon's resignation. Even if every allegation of this scandal is true, Clinton's crimes still look like jaywalking compared to what Nixon did: bugged Democratic party offices; fired capable people when they disagreed with him; hired thugs to rob a psychiatrist's office in order to find embarrassing personal information about a potential rival; lobbed accusations he knew were false against newspapers who criticized him; hired a director of the I.R.S. who promised to go after his enemies; cheated on his own income tax; said it all on tape and denied it to the world.

Each was an abuse of presidential power; each for his own political gain. Each worthy of impeachment and public scorn.

But when he died, America kept its flags at half-mast for a month as a show of respect.

And President Clinton? Well, he just can't keep it in his pants. And though that makes him a bad husband, a sleezebag, and a poor choice for prom chaperone, it doesn't necessarily make him a bad president.

(Thanks to Brian for the slang.)

Other Sections:

Write Spite at whines@spitemag.com
All contents of this site are (c) 1998 Will Hines