The 500-Word Rant: No Class

Have to Have No Class
registering for classes at a state school

by Brian Hines

Registering for classes sucks. It's been known by scholars for years. Last semester I was trying to register for a class, one I've been trying to register for my schedule next semester. (I think you see where I'm going here). In order to have this class added to my schedule I needed to have a "bar" lifted. If a "bar" is not lifted the class is not available to take.

It was while I was trying to lift this bar I experienced a pain I have never felt before. A pain that rivals being dragged by cheetahs through a street of knives. The pain is called, "My God, how dumb can this person be?"

I went to get the bar lifted for my course after being on the phone trying to register. A recorded voice had told me the class was reserved for the "priority population" (?), so I needed to go to the school of that class and have the bar lifted. I then experienced "My God, how dumb can this person be?"

I go to the building where the EVIL POSSESSORS of the course I want to take sit around and pretend to have tough jobs. I find the QUEEN OF EVIL, and ask her to lift the bar for me, so I can happily take a course. A course I need to qualify for a certain CERTIFICATE given to me when I GRADUATE. I explain the significance of this certificate to her, and she then comes back with something that made my stomach chew fire, and my head split open to reveal something this lady obviously has no experience with: a brain. She asks, "Whyyyy????" in an untrusting who-do-you-think-you-are tone.

Now, I'm no genius. I've never claimed to be. However, I do take pride in my ability to listen to a question being asked, think about that question, and then spew out words in the form of a sentence hopefully with the potential of being advice. This skill doesn't seem to be required in order to get a job at a University.

I tell her that the MAGIC PHONE MAN told me there was a bar on the course, and I would like it LIFTED.

She disagrees, and I leave pissed off. I realize MS. BRAINLESS will never help me, and will never want to help. Can't blame her! I mean, if the last thing I wanted to do was help young people, I would definitely WORK AT A UNIVERSITY. (Catching the sarcasm folks?)

Now, I am currently attending a University. At this University I learn many new chunks of knowledge every day. One of the most fascinating realizations which has graced my brain is this:

Just because I'm surrounded by people who are employed by an institution of higher learning does not mean they are in any way intelligent.

To sum up: Things are set up to screw you in life. The challenge is to see how well you can bounce back from these occasional screwings.

--- End

Brian Hines is a sociology major at the University of Connecticut. Not many people know this, but he dictated the above rant in one breath.