We used to call these things "500 word rants" but stopped, because the word "rant" is so overused. Now they're called "500 Words." Everyone around the office has ignored the change, though, and still calls them "rants." Reminds me of when the notoriously juvenile New Kids On The Block's tried to re-cast themselves as a mature musical group by changing their name to "NKOTB". Despite all the hoopla, they everyone still called them the New Kids, and they promptly disappeared. Seems like a good analogy, but then again, I see everything in terms of failed pop movements. -ed.
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No New Taxes
by F. Amos Jester
Next January, when you first receive your Form 1040 from the Internal Revenue Service, I encourage you to send it in early. Don't wait for your W-4, or your 1099s, or your interest statement from the bank, just send in you 1040EX, B, A, or whichever. Also, don't do the math. Just take a big, red, magic marker and write across the front of the form "GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!!" The current IRS commissioner Michael Dolan offers a "sincere apology to these taxpayers for any mistakes we have made and for any anguish we have caused." Forget the apologies, I want to see heads roll! You want to have a fair tax system? You want to see people moved off the welfare roles? Fire every idiot currently working for the IRS, including the ever so sincere, especially since the Senate is auditing him, Michael Dolan, and replace them with people pulled off welfare. I'll guarantee that you'll see a reduction in your taxes next year. Then let every victim of the IRS used-car-salesman-incentive approach to raising money for the government audit these newly unemployed IRS agents. There's some justice for you. You saw what happened in Romania when the Ponzi scheme was revealed there, do you think this is any better? It's worse! The IRS doesn't even know their own rules. Doubt me? Call the 1-800 number, then double check the answer they give you. Not even the Majors would take you with a percentage that low. These are the same people who told me to do nothing when they lost my check for my 1995 taxes. They told me not to worry about it three different times. Then in August, after I had done nothing since May, they wrote me saying that I owed them a fine and interest for not paying my taxes. I fought back and got them to refund the interest and the fine arguing that I would have sent them a new check months ago if they had just told me then that they weren't going to look for my first one. It still ended up costing me twenty bucks as I had to put a stop payment order on the check, knowing that if the IRS found my first check they would cash it even though I had paid in full. I just knew they wouldn't check. This group deliberately went after those unable to defend themselves and STOLE their money. Let's not even get into how many millionaires and billionaires dodge the system every year or how many multi-million dollar companies get tax credit handouts from a far too generous-to-their-own-kind Congress or the fact that they just blew billions of dollars of our money and failed to update their computer systems, just write that little message across the top of your form and send it in and let the IRS figure out what to do when 80% of the country doesn't pay it's taxes. And if that doesn't get them the year 2000 will.
F. Amos Jester is a regular contributor
for Spite. He was once mildly lactose intolerant.
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