Published: January 20, 1998
We Think Saddam
Is Dumb, Too!
by Kevin Hines
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I sit here trying to decide who is dumber: Moe, Larry, Curly, or Saddam Hussein. Who does he think he is
fooling? He doesn't want the United States to inspect his facilities, |
 Saddam shows off
his Red Rider BB Gun
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and we are supposed to think that is for some sort of a religious reason. Oh, but we had better listen to him, or he'll declare Holy War on us. No wait, hasn't he already done that? Who knows, it seems like he'll declare holy war on us for using the wrong kind of deodorant! (and I still don't get Secret. Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman? Since when did smelling bad become a chemistry lab?) . Saddam must have some sort of dinosaur-sized pea brain (and not one of those Spielberg-produced Raptor brains, I am refering to the more standard Land of the Lost dinosaur) When I was a kid, and Christmas approached, my mom knew better then to forbid me to look in the closet, cause that would just tell me there was something in that closet that I wanted to see. Well Saddam, whine all you want, but sooner or later we're gonna look in that closet you call a country to see if we are getting
that He-Man action playset, or if you are just testing some new chemical warfare. Of course if you are just hiding a He-Man action playset ( I hope it's Castle Grayskull!!!) we'll still look surprised when you
give it to us at our surprise party.
Space Station Mir converted
to Rest Home for
ex-astronauts!
Saddam is messing with a ruthless country. We have proven we don't mind murdering his people, and he knows we have the firepower to do it, so put your hands against the car and prepare for the latex glove treatment! America is a country that is cruel enough to send a senior citizen into space as an experiment. (Message to John Glenn: Don't go! It's a trick. NASA claims they are taking you to a new job, but they are going to drop you off on Mir, where you will spend your days playing checkers and watching re-runs of Matlock. I used the same line on Grandpa. "Come on, Gramps, you can be in NASA," and then we screech away while the nurse hands you your robe in exchange for your dignity. So John, if I have two pieces of advice for you it's 1) decline NASA's offer and 2) avoid skiing in the West ) Sure Saddam is in the bad position of being our chew toy, but it's not like he doesn't know that. It's not like anyone is going to make us stop bullying him. We want his lunch money he had better give it to us, cause no matter what you see on TV, we are gonna get away with it. Why? Cause no one likes Hussein. He's that kid in Junior High who always got picked on, and just when you started to feel bad
Kevin Hines, Managing Editor of Spite Magazine, dreams of being the world's first space pirate.
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Other Sections:
This is a section we call "500 Words". This section used to be called Rants. We changed it. We change things a lot. This pisses off a lot of people. And that, in essence, is the point of this section. Someone gets pissed off and writes 500 words of pure emotion, getting cut off in mid sentence if neccessary.
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