Your statement is now available online. By informing you of this, we absolve responsibility of telling you what the statement means, what you should do about it, or who we even are. Our main point: it’s not our fault, no matter what happens. If you get sued, or go to jail, or fall in love with the worst possible person, we won’t help you. We are not saying that any of these things will happen. All we are saying is that you can follow this link to view your statement and beyond that, you’re dead to us.
Your statement contains all the information you need. Balances, withdrawals, deposits, accrued interest, actions you took, actions you didn’t, the names of relatives you haven’t spoken to in years, dreams you can’t quite visualize — like being a product designer but only for spoons, the times and dates at which you failed the people who loved you. They are all recorded in a fixed-width typeface in a Flash interface that crashes if you try to enlarge your web browser. What conclusions you should draw from this data we will not even hint at.
A hypothetical: you wake up tomorrow and find fifteen voice mail messages from a collector’s agency, insisting you owe 45,000 dollars and have since college. And there’s a knock at the door and it’s your second girlfriend ever, with indisputable proof that you should have given her a chance to fix things. And then you look around and notice your bedroom is riddled with eagles. And let’s say you are able to conclude after investigating thoroughly that these situations resulted from information in your online statement. If at that point you try to commence legal action against us, we will print out a copy of this notice and happily absolve ourselves of blame.
We will not send you any more notices about this statement. If you ignore this email, and then phone us to ask questions, we won’t even acknowledge that the statement exists, or who you are, or that you are calling, or that there are such things as phones. We’ll hide under our desks and trap you with our “push one to speak English” menus. We’ll make you leave voice mails which we won’t answer, ever. We’ll send you to an exhausted operator who clearly hates himself and will make you repeat everything you entered and then hang up. We’ll do this again and again until the flesh rots from your bones. And we won’t feel sorry, because we sent you this notice. Whatever you’re going to do about your statement, do it now.
You should do SOMETHING, we’ll say that much. You can feel that. There is something really important in the statement, in terms of a legal or financial obligation. Or maybe it has to do with a career option, or the true love of your life, who you have yet to meet. You should act now – not like the time you refused to change your major, and not like the time you passed up on making amends with your father. For the love of your universe, you should do something, immediately. And the one thing we can tell you about this thing you should do is that we will not tell you. It’s all in the statement, which, as we’ve made very clear, is available.
You also have to have your login and password, and if you’ve forgotten that you’re really screwed.