Welcome. You have entered the reception area of The Vision Fountain, which is my casting agency. Here at The Vision Fountain we pledge a one hundred percent commitment to high quality commercial casting. No funny business, except the appropriate amount of whimsy for your lighthearted comedic commercial needs. Beyond that, the only time we smile is when we have delivered an actor who can communicate your brand’s message with complete efficiency and professionalism. As you see, our office is sparsely furnished, since we keep only what is needed to execute our mission. That the logo is made of die cut aluminum letters should let you know we’re not fucking around.
I am the owner. I have not smiled for 275 days, because that is the last time I delivered what I considered to be the perfect actor (Danny Purdy, “loud man” for Best Buy). I arrive at six in the morning. I read the descriptions for commercials for cell phones, car batteries, cable providers and vaginal lubricants and begin the laborious process of casting. Every day that I fail to make what I consider to be a perfect match I go home and begin an exacting ritual of self-punishment which begins with simple and literal self-flagellation and ends with a coat hanger inserted into an electrical socket. You’ll notice my hair.
So yes, I think we here at The Vision Fountain can accommodate your needs quite well. We will sacrifice everything to get the perfect spokesman for your brand of organic chips. Let’s hear the breakdown. “An Everyman with comedic sensibility, charismatic but not good-looking, think Seth Rogen or even Jonah Hill.” I see, yes, I see. Sorry, let me close my eyes here, I must think. Let me remove my shirt, I most absorb this breakdown into my skin. I am removing my pants. My heart beats more fully. My head is bowed. The sweat begins. The process, the war, the life…. it is underway.