“I Am Not Here”

Clark finally destroyed his ego as he won the gold medal in pole vaulting. It happened just as he cleared the bar: he felt his self dissolve into the unbroken field of energy that is the sentient universe.

“Shit,” he thought as his perception of boundaries faded. “It is going to be hard to land now….”

He lost his grip and fell limply into the mat, no longer moving. He COULD move but he saw no point. He felt at one end of his consciousness the atmosphere of Pluto, and at the other he became aware of the swirling of electrons around the carbon lining of his stomach.

Moments before he cleared the bar, as he ran at top speed while holding the pole, he was thinking “All my life is just ego, my illusory sense of self striving to protect itself. I hoard food, I desire sex. But I am nothing. Or rather, I am everything. We are all one.”

And he stuck the pole and vaulted up.

While approaching the bar he thought “But, wait, how can I be nothing? Why do I hunger? Why do I get up? If I am not really a thing, a separate thing, why do I alone desire warmth? Yes, desire is suffering — but there are some desires I do not seek out. They just are with me. I can’t think my way out of being hungry. Too much of my master’s teaching– ” (he thought of his master, sitting still most of the day, dust particles from a nearby sunbeam floating) ” –my master’s teaching seems to imply that I shouldn’t do anything! That every act is an act of will and therefore false! Do I really have to stop? Is it just that easy?”

And he crossed the bar. And his sense of separateness went away.

And once his body cleared the bar, he lay on the mat, contented. And never moved again.


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One Response to ““I Am Not Here””

  1. Gravatar of Hooper Hooper
    15. December 2012 at 02:00

    That was a nice bit of writing. I feel vindicated in actually having paid attention to your plugs on the HWYW podcast.