NEEDY OUTGOING MESSAGE

A shot of a cell phone. It rings, then stops ringing and we hear in voice-over the outgoing message that we presume the caller is hearing. The callers voice is playful and sing-songy.

CLAIRE

Hello, this is Claire and I am not at home right now -- but if you'd like you can try me on my home land line -- yes, I still have one -- at 738-652-1356, and if that doesn't work you might want to try my work phone - ick, right? - at 212-216-7992.


If THAT doesn't work, I'm probably out running errands around my apartment and that means I'll be out in the MEAN STREETS -hah- of the East Village -- so if you're around East 12th street and Avenue A you can probably look around and find me. Today I'm wearing a muted blue blouse and carrying a bright yellow pocket book -- if you know what to look for you can't miss me!

But you know what? If you're not around, then you COULD try calling the Whole Earth Coffee Shop -- I almost always stop in there for a quick bite before getting home. 212-871-4921. Ask for Claire, make the guy check.

Or I could be at Gristede's! 987-235-7621, I'm usually in the freezer aisle.

Another good try is the pay phone outside my building! 212-764-3421! It works! I tried it today! Call me there!

I'm in the library a lot! Call the city at 311 and ask to be put through to the East Village library! Ask for me! Make the girl check! Her name is Heidi and she's a full-of-herself bitch.

Send me an email -- helloclarie@gmail.com, or facebook message at facebook.com/happyclaire! Or Myspace at clairethegreat! Or Friendster at claire99! Or Orkut at GooglePieClaire! Or Yahoomail at claireyahoo@yahoo.com! Or Rocketmail or Prodigy! Or Compuserve or Arpanet!

If that doesn't work, try a flare gun! Seriously, flare guns are cheap and you know what? They're legal! They shouldn't be but I checked and they ARE. Flare me!

Or scream! Seriously, if you're anywhere close to my house, could you just scream? I know it seems crazy, but for God's sake is it too much to ask that someone in this cold, mean world just put a little bit of effort into trying to CONNECT with me? CLAIRE! Just SAY IT! Jesus, leave me a goddamn message! It would hardly cost you anything at all, but it could seriously CHANGE MY LIFE! Please! If you know what it's like to hurt, even a little, give me a call!

Or else I'm asleep.