HARD TO PRONOUNCE SUBWAY

We see three cops talking.

COP 1

All right, when'd we last see this scumbag?

COP 2

He grabbed the porpoise statue out of the lady's hands and took off down Court St.

COP 3

Sometimes it's these small-time punks that I hate the most.

COP 1

Tell me about it. Arrogant little shits.

COP 2

Oh this guy was pretty pleased with himself, let me tell you.

COP 3

All right, so where'd he go from there?

COP 2

(checks his notebook)

Tore around the corner and ducked into the subway station -- Hoyt-Schemerhorn. Schmemerhorn.

COP 1

Schmemerr..

COP 3

That's not right.

COP 1

I know, it's, um... Hoyt-Schmememer

COP 2

Schemermum..

COP 3

Schmemeremeron.

COP 1

It's one of those places that if you just say it in a sentence you say it right.

COP 2

"There are too many bricks in the station of Hoyt-Schmemer..."

COP 3

That's too many ems. "There are too many bricks in Hoyt-Schumaneron" Shit.

COP 2

It actually looks like it's spelled that way.

COP 1

Oh, it definitely does.

COP 2

At first glance.

COP 1

Right, at first glance. But if you just follow along it's actually spelled the way you say it... Schmenemneron. Nope.

The next three lines are said at once.

COP 1

Hoyt-Schmememmeron.

COP 2

Hoyt-Schumantian

COP 3

Hoyt-Schermermer.

COP 2

It's like Polish names, like the Chief.

The next three lines are said at once.

COP 1

Cezegderton...

COP 2

Czzzdrrrfruful

COP 3

Cezdrontonerton

COP 1

I say it right when I see him.

COP 2

I just said "fruful" -- no way that was right.

COP 1

Nope, you were way off.

COP 3

It's tough! I always just say sir.

A beat. Then they say the next three lines all at once.

COP 1

Schmemermemeron

COP 2

Schmurmurmemeron.

COP 3

Schmemermemerino

COP 1

We're really doing a bad job here.

COP 3

What did I say, Schmemerino? I sound like the Fonz.

COP 2

You do. He said things like that.

A beat.

COP 1

You gotta get details like this right to be good cops.

They all nod. A beat. Then they next three all at once.

COP 1

Schmemtopolis

COP 2

Czedgerton.

COP 3

Schmemermemermemermemerton.

COP 1

We're farther away now than when we started.

COP 3

We are. We are not close.

COP 1

You said the chief's name.

COP 2

I did. I went back.

COP 3

I think that's good. It's a bad habit to leave things undone.

COP 1

It is.

Another beat.

COP 3

I shouldn't have said The Fonz. That's like -- I mean, no one watches that show.

COP 2

No, it's good.

COP 1

He's iconic.

COP 2

He is. He still is.

COP 3

I'm not good at metaphors. I didn't want to mess around thinking about it.

They say the next 3 lines at once, and then the next 3 at once.

COP 1

Schmemermburg.

COP 2

Schmemertermen brown.

COP 3

Schimmyermimmy.

A brief pause.

COP 1

"There are too many bricks at St. Schmemtertein"

COP 2

"There are too many bricks at Schmembling"

COP 3

"There are too many bricks at Schememerhorn."

COP 1

Did you get it?

COP 3

I might have. I don't know.

COP 2

It's gotta be repeatable, anyway.

A pause; then all at once.

COp 1

Schmem

COP 2

(fast)

Schememememeron!

COP 3

Schuman's paints on Hoyt-Schmemermernon.

COP 2

We are really on a journey here.

COP 1

What happened to the guy then?

COP 2

The guy? (looks at notebook) I shot him. We should phone that in.

COP 3

We should.

COP 1

Why did that lady have a statue of a porpoise?