HARD TO PRONOUNCE SUBWAY
We see three cops talking.
COP 1
All right, when'd we last see this scumbag?
COP 2
He grabbed the porpoise statue out of the lady's hands and
took off down Court St.
COP 3
Sometimes it's these small-time punks that I hate the most.
COP 1
Tell me about it. Arrogant little shits.
COP 2
Oh this guy was pretty pleased with himself, let me tell you.
COP 3
All right, so where'd he go from there?
COP 2
(checks his notebook)
Tore around the corner and ducked into the subway station --
Hoyt-Schemerhorn. Schmemerhorn.
COP 1
Schmemerr..
COP 3
That's not right.
COP 1
I know, it's, um... Hoyt-Schmememer
COP 2
Schemermum..
COP 3
Schmemeremeron.
COP 1
It's one of those places that if you just say it in a
sentence you say it right.
COP 2
"There are too many bricks in the station of Hoyt-Schmemer..."
COP 3
That's too many ems. "There are too many bricks in
Hoyt-Schumaneron" Shit.
COP 2
It actually looks like it's spelled that way.
COP 1
Oh, it definitely does.
COP 2
At first glance.
COP 1
Right, at first glance. But if you just follow along it's
actually spelled the way you say it... Schmenemneron. Nope.
The next three lines are said at once.
COP 1
Hoyt-Schmememmeron.
COP 2
Hoyt-Schumantian
COP 3
Hoyt-Schermermer.
COP 2
It's like Polish names, like the Chief.
The next three lines are said at once.
COP 1
Cezegderton...
COP 2
Czzzdrrrfruful
COP 3
Cezdrontonerton
COP 1
I say it right when I see him.
COP 2
I just said "fruful" -- no way that was right.
COP 1
Nope, you were way off.
COP 3
It's tough! I always just say sir.
A beat. Then they say the next three lines all at once.
COP 1
Schmemermemeron
COP 2
Schmurmurmemeron.
COP 3
Schmemermemerino
COP 1
We're really doing a bad job here.
COP 3
What did I say, Schmemerino? I sound like the Fonz.
COP 2
You do. He said things like that.
A beat.
COP 1
You gotta get details like this right to be good cops.
They all nod. A beat. Then they next three all at once.
COP 1
Schmemtopolis
COP 2
Czedgerton.
COP 3
Schmemermemermemermemerton.
COP 1
We're farther away now than when we started.
COP 3
We are. We are not close.
COP 1
You said the chief's name.
COP 2
I did. I went back.
COP 3
I think that's good. It's a bad habit to leave things undone.
COP 1
It is.
Another beat.
COP 3
I shouldn't have said The Fonz. That's like -- I mean, no one
watches that show.
COP 2
No, it's good.
COP 1
He's iconic.
COP 2
He is. He still is.
COP 3
I'm not good at metaphors. I didn't want to mess around
thinking about it.
They say the next 3 lines at once, and then the next 3 at
once.
COP 1
Schmemermburg.
COP 2
Schmemertermen brown.
COP 3
Schimmyermimmy.
A brief pause.
COP 1
"There are too many bricks at St. Schmemtertein"
COP 2
"There are too many bricks at Schmembling"
COP 3
"There are too many bricks at Schememerhorn."
COP 1
Did you get it?
COP 3
I might have. I don't know.
COP 2
It's gotta be repeatable, anyway.
A pause; then all at once.
COp 1
Schmem
COP 2
(fast)
Schememememeron!
COP 3
Schuman's paints on Hoyt-Schmemermernon.
COP 2
We are really on a journey here.
COP 1
What happened to the guy then?
COP 2
The guy? (looks at notebook) I shot him. We should phone that
in.
COP 3
We should.
COP 1
Why did that lady have a statue of a porpoise?