MCDONALDS TASK FORCE

VICE-PRESIDENT BURLSON, VICE-PRESIDENT TUCKER, VICE-PRESIDENT STACK and RICHARDS all wear suit jackets. All wear 50s-style Buddy Holly glasses except for RICHARDS.

BURLSON

Gentlemen, as leader of this task force, I must remind you all that we are representatives of the good corporation of McDonalds, and that we are charged with successfully purchasing land and constructing a McDonalds eatery in the town of Danbury, CT off of the exit ramp of exit 6 of the highway Interstate 84.

STACK

Excellent point, Vice-President Burlson.

BURLSON

Thank you, Vice-President Stack.

STACK

And I would like to add that the McDonalds corporation has already successfully constructed McDonalds eateries off of exits 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7 and 8 - so there is no reason why we should not be successful in constructing one at exit SIX.

TUCKER

Excellent point, Vice-President Stack.

STACK

Thank you Vice-President Tucker.

TUCKER

I would like to add that I think we are all making excellent points.

BURLSON

Thank you, Vice-President Tucker.

STACK

Yes. Thank you, Vice-President Tucker.

TUCKER

You're welcome, Vice-Presidents Burlson and Stack.

RICHARDS

I'd like to make a point.

BURLSON

What is it, Richards?

RICHARDS

It could be that Danbury has enough McDonalds.

STACK

Good Jesus Christ, Richards, don't be a douche.

TUCKER

You're being a douche, Richards.

RICHARDS

If I may, Vice-Presidents Burlson, Stack and Tucker. There's a good reason why there's no McDonalds at Exit 6. That's because Exit 6 off of I-84 lets cars into Danbury at almost the same point that Exit 5 does. In fact, the Town of Danbury has petitioned the federal government to have Exit 6 removed from I-84 as being unnecessary. The truth is that any cars coming off of Exit 6 who wish to purchase food from McDonalds are almost definitely already driving to the McDonalds currently existing 1/8 of a mile away at Exit FIVE.

BURLSON

Richards, do you ever wonder why you have failed to make Vice-President?

STACK

Is it because he's a douche?

TUCKER

He's douche-y.

BURLSON

No. It is because he is SCARED to FIND A WAY TO SAY YES.

STACK

That is a better answer, Vice-President Burlson.

TUCKER

I would like to add that that I also think that is a better answer, Vice-President Burlson.

BURLSON

Thank you, Vice-Presidents Stack and Tucker.

RICHARDS

With all due respects, Mr. Vice-Presidents - I hereby declare that I would very much like to be promoted. But let me also say that I do not think my lack of promotion is because of being "scared" or any other character weakness - it's because I am the only one here who looks at the realities of the economy! Danbury cannot support another McDonalds!

STACK

Excuse me, does it suddenly smell like vinegar in here, and are we in between the thighs of an enormous woman? Because you are acting like a douche, and the situation I described is the kind of thing that would happen if you were indeed a douche and fulfilling the nature of your intended purpose.

TUCKER

I'd like to make a point. I propose we build a McDonalds eatery at Exit 6 and another one on the roof of the McDonalds that is already at Exit 5.

BURLSON

(pounds fist into hands)

Excellent point, Vice-President Tucker!

TUCKER

Thank you, Vice-President Burlson.

STACK

(points to TUCKER)

NOT too scared to say yes!

RICHARDS

And why is that a good idea, Vice-President Stack?

TUCKER

Because if the problem is that there isn't enough of a demand for McDonalds, then having TWO new restaurants creates TWICE as many chances for people to notice them and then think about buying a McDonalds hamburger! (high-fives self)

BURLSON

Excellent point!

STACK

Excellent point, Vice-President Tucker!

RICHARDS

That's just advertising! Why not just put a billboard on top of the Exit 5 McDonalds?

STACK

(snaps fingers)

Let's put a billboard on top of the second McDonalds!

BURLSON

Yes! That is an excellent point, Vice-President Stack!

STACK

It was Richards' idea, Vice-President Burlson!

TUCKER

First good idea you've had in months, douche!

RICHARDS

I wanted a billboard INSTEAD of a restaurant!

STACK

Then let's put a third restaurant on top of the billboard!

TUCKER

Excellent point, Vice-President Stack!

BURLSON

Now hold on. Let's not be ridiculous. As much as I'd love to have three McDonalds off of Exit 5 in addition to a new one off of Exit 6 -- there's no way a billboard could support the weight of an entire McDonald's eatery. I might not be scared of economics like Douchey is, but we must bow to the laws of physics.

All look defeated.

RICHARDS

As long as you're ignoring the rules of reality, Why not just put the third McDonalds in a hot air balloon above the billboard.

BURLSON

That's IT!

STACK

(shakes Richard's hand)

Excellent, excellent point! Yes! Yes! Congratulations, douche!

TUCKER

I am promoting you to CEO OF MCDONALDS!

BURLSON

I am seconding that promotion!

RICHARDS

You don't have the authority!

TUCKER

You think I'm scared of a little nothing like corporate hierarchy?

BURLSON

Damn right he's not! Congratulations, boss!

RICHARDS

I quit. RICHARDS walks out.

BURLSON

Get me a phone. I have to call the Associated Press and tell them the CEO of McDonalds just quit his job and walked out.