MCDONALDS TASK FORCE
VICE-PRESIDENT BURLSON, VICE-PRESIDENT TUCKER, VICE-PRESIDENT STACK and RICHARDS all wear suit jackets. All wear 50s-style Buddy Holly glasses except for RICHARDS.
BURLSON
Gentlemen, as leader of this task force, I must remind you all that we are representatives of the good corporation of McDonalds, and that we are charged with successfully purchasing land and constructing a McDonalds eatery in the town of Danbury, CT off of the exit ramp of exit 6 of the highway Interstate 84.
STACK
Excellent point, Vice-President Burlson.
BURLSON
Thank you, Vice-President Stack.
STACK
And I would like to add that the McDonalds corporation has already successfully constructed McDonalds eateries off of exits 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7 and 8 - so there is no reason why we should not be successful in constructing one at exit SIX.
TUCKER
Excellent point, Vice-President Stack.
STACK
Thank you Vice-President Tucker.
TUCKER
I would like to add that I think we are all making excellent points.
BURLSON
Thank you, Vice-President Tucker.
STACK
Yes. Thank you, Vice-President Tucker.
TUCKER
You're welcome, Vice-Presidents Burlson and Stack.
RICHARDS
I'd like to make a point.
BURLSON
What is it, Richards?
RICHARDS
It could be that Danbury has enough McDonalds.
STACK
Good Jesus Christ, Richards, don't be a douche.
TUCKER
You're being a douche, Richards.
RICHARDS
If I may, Vice-Presidents Burlson, Stack and Tucker. There's a good reason why there's no McDonalds at Exit 6. That's because Exit 6 off of I-84 lets cars into Danbury at almost the same point that Exit 5 does. In fact, the Town of Danbury has petitioned the federal government to have Exit 6 removed from I-84 as being unnecessary. The truth is that any cars coming off of Exit 6 who wish to purchase food from McDonalds are almost definitely already driving to the McDonalds currently existing 1/8 of a mile away at Exit FIVE.
BURLSON
Richards, do you ever wonder why you have failed to make Vice-President?
STACK
Is it because he's a douche?
TUCKER
He's douche-y.
BURLSON
No. It is because he is SCARED to FIND A WAY TO SAY YES.
STACK
That is a better answer, Vice-President Burlson.
TUCKER
I would like to add that that I also think that is a better answer, Vice-President Burlson.
BURLSON
Thank you, Vice-Presidents Stack and Tucker.
RICHARDS
With all due respects, Mr. Vice-Presidents - I hereby declare that I would very much like to be promoted. But let me also say that I do not think my lack of promotion is because of being "scared" or any other character weakness - it's because I am the only one here who looks at the realities of the economy! Danbury cannot support another McDonalds!
STACK
Excuse me, does it suddenly smell like vinegar in here, and are we in between the thighs of an enormous woman? Because you are acting like a douche, and the situation I described is the kind of thing that would happen if you were indeed a douche and fulfilling the nature of your intended purpose.
TUCKER
I'd like to make a point. I propose we build a McDonalds eatery at Exit 6 and another one on the roof of the McDonalds that is already at Exit 5.
BURLSON
(pounds fist into hands)
Excellent point, Vice-President Tucker!
TUCKER
Thank you, Vice-President Burlson.
STACK
(points to TUCKER)
NOT too scared to say yes!
RICHARDS
And why is that a good idea, Vice-President Stack?
TUCKER
Because if the problem is that there isn't enough of a demand for McDonalds, then having TWO new restaurants creates TWICE as many chances for people to notice them and then think about buying a McDonalds hamburger! (high-fives self)
BURLSON
Excellent point!
STACK
Excellent point, Vice-President Tucker!
RICHARDS
That's just advertising! Why not just put a billboard on top of the Exit 5 McDonalds?
STACK
(snaps fingers)
Let's put a billboard on top of the second McDonalds!
BURLSON
Yes! That is an excellent point, Vice-President Stack!
STACK
It was Richards' idea, Vice-President Burlson!
TUCKER
First good idea you've had in months, douche!
RICHARDS
I wanted a billboard INSTEAD of a restaurant!
STACK
Then let's put a third restaurant on top of the billboard!
TUCKER
Excellent point, Vice-President Stack!
BURLSON
Now hold on. Let's not be ridiculous. As much as I'd love to
have three McDonalds off of Exit 5 in addition to a new one off of Exit 6 --
there's no way a billboard could support the weight of an entire McDonald's
eatery. I might not be scared of economics like Douchey is, but we must bow to
the laws of physics.
All look defeated.
RICHARDS
As long as you're ignoring the rules of reality, Why not just put the third McDonalds in a hot air balloon above the billboard.
BURLSON
That's IT!
STACK
(shakes Richard's hand)
Excellent, excellent point! Yes! Yes! Congratulations, douche!
TUCKER
I am promoting you to CEO OF MCDONALDS!
BURLSON
I am seconding that promotion!
RICHARDS
You don't have the authority!
TUCKER
You think I'm scared of a little nothing like corporate hierarchy?
BURLSON
Damn right he's not! Congratulations, boss!
RICHARDS
I quit. RICHARDS walks out.
BURLSON
Get me a phone. I have to call the Associated Press and tell them the CEO of McDonalds just quit his job and walked out.