MY DELI

I am ordering an egg and cheese sandwich from FIRST DELI GUY.

ME

Egg and cheese sandwich please.

FIRST DELI GUY

On a roll?

ME

No, bagel.

FIRST DELI GUY

Egg and cheese on a bagel.

ME

Yep.

DELI GUY starts to reach for an egg.

FIRST DELI GUY

Hey, uh, cool if I just do everything different?

ME

You mean change what I ordered?

FIRST DELI GUY

That's right.

ME

Okay.

FIRST DELI GUY

Great.

He grabs a hunk of dough and starts playing with it. I move over to see the OTHER DELI GUY.

OTHER DELI GUY

All right, if I'm not looking at you, you're next. That cool with you guys? Is it?

ME

Me?

OTHER DELI GUY

(not looking at me)

Yeah, you.

ME

Yes, that's fine.

OTHER DELI GUY

Okay. So?

ME

Large coffee.

OTHER DELI GUY

Milk and sugar?

ME

Yes please.

OTHER DELI GUY

Okay. (turns to start) Cool if I just never get this to you?

ME

Yes, of course.

OTHER DELI GUY

Great.

THIRD DELI GUY

Hey.

ME

Yes?

THIRD DELI GUY

Okay if I just yell something at you in Spanish that almost seems like I'm mad at you, but that can't be  because you've never said anything to me?

ME

In a way that I still somehow feel guilty about it?

THIRD DELI GUY

Yes.

ME

Yes, that's fine.

THIRD DELI GUY

Ay! Cuando este tu poner y la puerta?

ME

I'm sorry.

FIRST DELI GUY

Here's your roast beef on a pita.

ME

Thank you.

FIRST DELI GUY

I drew a picture of myself on it.

ME

Thank you for that. It looks nice. Hey, is it okay if I ask for a copy of The New York Times?

OTHER DELI GUY

Okay if I misunderstand that request as a hostile attack on me personally?

ME

Not at all.

OTHER DELI GUY

Screw you!

THIRD DELI GUY

That reminds me. Okay if as soon as start to walk away, we pay attention to you for the first time and all yell at you?

ME

Not in English, right?

ALL DELI GUYS

(variations)

Right. Yes. You got it.

ME

Yes.

I start to turn away.

ALL DELI GUYS

(variations)

Hey! Que es tu madre? Donde es la jardin? Ay caray!

I still leave.