TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON HERE
A SPORTS ANCHOR and SPORTS COMMENTATOR sit behind a news desk
with a video screen behind them. A baseball game is showing on the video screen.
ANCHOR
Okay, Sean, so tell us what's going on here.
COMMENTATOR
Johnson knows he's in a jam, so he's going with his
number-one pitch -- the slider. (watches) Got 'em!
Video changes to footage of a boxing match.
ANCHOR
Ok, and tell us what's going on here.
COMMENTATOR
Fast footwork, using a lot of stomach punches -- the
challenger is trying to tire out the champ.
Video changes to footage of outer space.
ANCHOR
And what's going on here.
COMMENTATOR
Dark matter is collecting into a gravity field -- we're
probably looking at the birth of a star or planet. (pause) Yep.
Video changes to footage of a guy smearing beef into a taco
shell.
ANCHOR
And tell us what's going on here.
COMMENTATOR
This looks like it someone's snacktime. And that someone is
choosing comfort over nutrition.
Video changes to footage of two jungle cats.
ANCHOR
And how about here.
COMMENTATOR
The puma is hunting. They're trying to intimidate each other
with poses of dominance but will probably end up actually fighting each other.
Video changes to an glyph of a merge of the number 7 and a
division sign.
ANCHOR
And here.
COMMENTATOR
This looks like a new number that's a combination of the number 7 and a division sign.
Video changes to footage of a couple at dinner.
ANCHOR
All right. And can you tell what's going on here.
COMMENTATOR
The wife is realizing that what she's most proud of is
enduring. The man is thinking that what he is most of all is volatile.
Video turns off. Commentator takes a VCR from beneath the
desk.
ANCHOR
And what's going on here?
COMMENTATOR
That's your VCR. The fact that you still own it means you're underpaid and probably depressed, most likely about failed personal relationships.
A stagehand steps in wearing a headset.
ANCHOR
I see. And can you tell us what's going on over there?
COMMENTATOR
That's Ernie. He's a stagehand, probably silently thinking
that he could do a better job than everyone else currently on this set.
ERNIE gives a thumbs-up. Anchor points at the air somewhere
just above the desk.
ANCHOR
And what's going on right here?
COMMENTATOR
The electrons of the Nitrogen atoms are colliding with the
oxygen atoms. This particular batch is fine, though sometimes a misfire can set
off a chain reaction that creates static electricity.
ANCHOR
Is that true?
COMMENTATOR
It is.
ANCHOR
Very well. And what's going on here. (waves his arms all
around).
COMMENTATOR
Where your hands are immediately pointing, or the whole world?
ANCHOR
(continues waving his arms)
The whole world.
COMMENTATOR
Oh, in the world in general? Good and evil are continuing
their eternal conflict until the balance is finally upset and one side declares
victory over all the universe.
ANCHOR
Makes sense. Well, we're out of time. Ladies and Gentlemen
this has been Digressions!