TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON HERE

A SPORTS ANCHOR and SPORTS COMMENTATOR sit behind a news desk with a video screen behind them. A baseball game is showing on the video screen.

ANCHOR

Okay, Sean, so tell us what's going on here.

COMMENTATOR

Johnson knows he's in a jam, so he's going with his number-one pitch -- the slider. (watches) Got 'em!

Video changes to footage of a boxing match.

ANCHOR

Ok, and tell us what's going on here.

COMMENTATOR

Fast footwork, using a lot of stomach punches -- the challenger is trying to tire out the champ.

Video changes to footage of outer space.

ANCHOR

And what's going on here.

COMMENTATOR

Dark matter is collecting into a gravity field -- we're probably looking at the birth of a star or planet. (pause) Yep.

Video changes to footage of a guy smearing beef into a taco shell.

ANCHOR

And tell us what's going on here.

COMMENTATOR

This looks like it someone's snacktime. And that someone is choosing comfort over nutrition.

Video changes to footage of two jungle cats.

ANCHOR

And how about here.

COMMENTATOR

The puma is hunting. They're trying to intimidate each other with poses of dominance but will probably end up actually fighting each other.

Video changes to an glyph of a merge of the number 7 and a division sign.

ANCHOR

And here.

COMMENTATOR

This looks like a new number that's a combination of the number 7 and a division sign.

Video changes to footage of a couple at dinner.

ANCHOR

All right. And can you tell what's going on here.

COMMENTATOR

The wife is realizing that what she's most proud of is enduring. The man is thinking that what he is most of all is volatile.

Video turns off. Commentator takes a VCR from beneath the desk.

ANCHOR

And what's going on here?

COMMENTATOR

That's your VCR. The fact that you still own it means you're underpaid and probably depressed, most likely about failed personal relationships.

A stagehand steps in wearing a headset.

ANCHOR

I see. And can you tell us what's going on over there?

COMMENTATOR

That's Ernie. He's a stagehand, probably silently thinking that he could do a better job than everyone else currently on this set.

ERNIE gives a thumbs-up. Anchor points at the air somewhere just above the desk.

ANCHOR

And what's going on right here?

COMMENTATOR

The electrons of the Nitrogen atoms are colliding with the oxygen atoms. This particular batch is fine, though sometimes a misfire can set off a chain reaction that creates static electricity.

ANCHOR

Is that true?

COMMENTATOR

It is.

ANCHOR

Very well. And what's going on here. (waves his arms all around).

COMMENTATOR

Where your hands are immediately pointing, or the whole world?

ANCHOR

(continues waving his arms)

The whole world.

COMMENTATOR

Oh, in the world in general? Good and evil are continuing their eternal conflict until the balance is finally upset and one side declares victory over all the universe.

ANCHOR

Makes sense. Well, we're out of time. Ladies and Gentlemen this has been Digressions!