FIRST PHONE NUMBER
Two DUDES are sitting alone by a land line phone. There's a
bong, which they've just presumedly gotten stoned with.
DUDE 2
Try it.
DUDE 1 dials a "1" and waits. For a bit, there's nothing.
Then there is a ring. It's an old-sounding clanging ring. A
split-screen reveals on the other end of the line an white-haired,
white-bearded old man holding an old-timey phone to his ear.
OLD MAN
Yes?
DUDE 1
Hello? Is this... a person?
OLD MAN
Yes.
DUDE 1
I just... I only dialed the number one.
OLD MAN
That's right. One. That's my phone number.
DUDE 1
Who... are you?
OLD MAN
Alexander Graham Bell.
DUDE 1
(to DUDE 2)
You were right.
DUDE 2
Told you, bitchers!
OLD MAN
Can I... help you? I don't want any time-shares in
condominiums.
DUDE 1
I'm sorry, no.
OLD MAN
You just wanted to try dialing 1?
DUDE 1
Yeah.
OLD MAN
(cheerily)
Ah, no problem. Nice to meet you!
DUDE 1
Love the phone, dude.
OLD MAN
Glad you like it.
Hangs up. DUDE 1 and DUDE 2 high five. After a brief moment,
the dial the number two. Another old man, with a derby and black mustache
answers.
OLD MAN 2
Yes?
DUDE 1
Who is this?
OLD MAN 2
Watson.
DUDE 1
No way!
OLD MAN 2
Are you just trying out dialing old numbers?
DUDE 1
Yeah, yeah.
OLD MAN 2
Very well. Well, I have work to do.
DUDE 1
Of course. Sorry dude!
They all hang up. They dial 47. A SALOON KEEPER answers.
Saloon music.
SALOON KEEPER
Hello? Quincy Saloon here!
DUDE 1
Just trying it out.
SALOON KEEPER
All right!
DUDE 1 dials 10,428. JOHNNY PROSPECTOR answers.
JOHNNY PROSPECTOR
Hey! Got any gold?
DUDE 1
Nope!
JOHNNY PROSPECTOR
Just trying out dialing?
DUDE 1
Yep!
Montage of dialing smallish numbers. They get:
WILD WEST PROSTITUTE - "No smallpox guarantee"
RAILROAD ENGINEER - "I'm at the top of my game!"
JAMES GARFIELD - "Just trying it out?"
MARK TWAIN IMPERSONATOR - "I'm not the REAL Mark Twain."
Then they dial a LOT of numbers. A ROBOT answers.
ROBOT
Greetings.
DUDE 1
Whoa! Are you a robot?
ROBOT
Affirmative. Are you...
DUDE 1
Just trying out numbers? Yeah.
ROBOT
Cool.
DUDE 1 hangs up, satisfied.
DUDE 2
Cool, right?
DUDE 1
Yeah!
TITLE: ONE MONTH LATER
The two DUDES are asleep on the same couch we saw them on. A
FATHER enters.
FATHER
Lawrence? Wake up.
DUDE 1 wakes up.
FATHER
You want to explain why I have a $10,000,000 bill for you calling the past and future?