FIRST PHONE NUMBER

Two DUDES are sitting alone by a land line phone. There's a bong, which they've just presumedly gotten stoned with.

DUDE 2

Try it.

DUDE 1 dials a "1" and waits. For a bit, there's nothing.

Then there is a ring. It's an old-sounding clanging ring. A split-screen reveals on the other end of the line an white-haired, white-bearded old man holding an old-timey phone to his ear.

OLD MAN

Yes?

DUDE 1

Hello? Is this... a person?

OLD MAN

Yes.

DUDE 1

I just... I only dialed the number one.

OLD MAN

That's right. One. That's my phone number.

DUDE 1

Who... are you?

OLD MAN

Alexander Graham Bell.

DUDE 1

(to DUDE 2)

You were right.

DUDE 2

Told you, bitchers!

OLD MAN

Can I... help you? I don't want any time-shares in condominiums.

DUDE 1

I'm sorry, no.

OLD MAN

You just wanted to try dialing 1?

DUDE 1

Yeah.

OLD MAN

(cheerily)

Ah, no problem. Nice to meet you!

DUDE 1

Love the phone, dude.

OLD MAN

Glad you like it.

Hangs up. DUDE 1 and DUDE 2 high five. After a brief moment, the dial the number two. Another old man, with a derby and black mustache answers.

OLD MAN 2

Yes?

DUDE 1

Who is this?

OLD MAN 2

Watson.

DUDE 1

No way!

OLD MAN 2

Are you just trying out dialing old numbers?

DUDE 1

Yeah, yeah.

OLD MAN 2

Very well. Well, I have work to do.

DUDE 1

Of course. Sorry dude!

They all hang up. They dial 47. A SALOON KEEPER answers. Saloon music.

SALOON KEEPER

Hello?  Quincy Saloon here!

DUDE 1

Just trying it out.

SALOON KEEPER

All right!

DUDE 1 dials 10,428. JOHNNY PROSPECTOR answers.

JOHNNY PROSPECTOR

Hey! Got any gold?

DUDE 1

Nope!

JOHNNY PROSPECTOR

Just trying out dialing?

DUDE 1

Yep!

Montage of dialing smallish numbers. They get:

WILD WEST PROSTITUTE - "No smallpox guarantee"
RAILROAD ENGINEER - "I'm at the top of my game!"
JAMES GARFIELD - "Just trying it out?"
MARK TWAIN IMPERSONATOR - "I'm not the REAL Mark Twain."

Then they dial a LOT of numbers. A ROBOT answers.

ROBOT

Greetings.

DUDE 1

Whoa! Are you a robot?

ROBOT

Affirmative. Are you...

DUDE 1

Just trying out numbers? Yeah.

ROBOT

Cool.

DUDE 1 hangs up, satisfied.

DUDE 2

Cool, right?

DUDE 1

Yeah!

TITLE: ONE MONTH LATER

The two DUDES are asleep on the same couch we saw them on. A FATHER enters.

FATHER

Lawrence? Wake up.

DUDE 1 wakes up.

FATHER

You want to explain why I have a $10,000,000 bill for you calling the past and future?