ANGRY WRITER

MR. LANDRY approaches OSGOOD's cubicle.

MR. LANDRY

All right Osgood, I just read your email.

OSGOOD

Oh. Yeah. Look, I was pretty upset when I wrote that... don't give it too much thought.

MR. LANDRY

Osgood, do you think you might be one of these people who is more comfortable with confrontation in writing than in person?

OSGOOD

Um, no! No, why?

MR. LANDRY

Read your email out loud, please.

OSGOOD

Um. Okay. If you guys want. (takes letter, clears throat) "Dear scumbag, I can't believe you're such an ass-faced moron believe we can launch this shitsack of a website by July 1st. You must be sucking your own dick so hard that the sperm is poisoning the part of your brain responsible for rational thought. Unless one of you management fags is the Blue Fucking Fairy, and can wave her magic wand and make time slow down -- that web site won't be ready until the end of October, and that's at the earliest, because besides me you've hired a bunch of monogoloids. P.S. You're both fat."

MR. LANDRY

So Osgood, you're pretty upset about the deadline, yes?

OSGOOD

Uh, I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. We can make it.

MR. LANDRY

Write down in this pad when you think we can finish the website by, Osgood. OSGOOD shurgs, scrawls something, and passes it back.

MR. LANDRY (CONT'D)

"Six months, at least, unless you need extra time in the schedule in for you trying to lick your own asshole, you self-fag." I don't know what a "self-fag" is, but hostility aside, if our top programmer doesn't think our deadline is realistic, then I need to know it.

OSGOOD

I mean, you know, whatever, we could maybe, you know, like, RUSH and stuff...

MR. LANDRY

Write down what you think is the biggest problem with the company right now. OSGOOD scribbles something.

MR. LANDRY (CONT'D)

"As long as the project is you jerking off to a picture of yourself, then yeah you could finish." Okay, so you don't think the project is realistic. When IS a realistic deadline?

OSGOOD

I think you guys could do it.

MR. LANDRY

Write it down. OSGOOD passes him another paper.

MR. LANDRY (CONT'D)

"Let me write it on your ass." Are you serious?

OSGOOD

I don't know. Maybe. You know. (hands note).

MR. LANDRY

"Very serious. Let me write the amount of time on your left asscheek or else I won't ever tell you." MR. LANDRY considers.

MR. LANDRY (CONT'D)

We need to know when this site can launch (starts to take pants off, but Osgood passes another note) "Sing 'The Heat Is On' while you do it." MR. LANDRY considers, then does it. He exposes a butt cheek and starts singing.

MR. LANDRY (CONT'D)

"The Heat Is On. It's On the street. The Heat is on. It's one the feet, yeah" OSGOOD walks over to him and writes a figure on Mr. Landry's cheek. After a moment, he's done and walks back to his tale.

MR. LANDRY (CONT'D)

Read it to me! I can't see it!

OSGOOD

It says "You guys are for-real pushovers." Then below that I wrote "3.5 months."

MR. LANDRY

3.5 months! I think our customers would accept that! That's good news, Osgood! OSGOOD is passing a note to the VP.

MR. LANDRY (CONT'D)

"My penis looks like Lou Costello." I need to learn how to program computers myself.