I HAVE BOBBY BROWN IN MY BAG

Will Hines - 917-721-1138 whines@gmail.com

A PASSENGER is next in line to be examined by a SECURITY GUARD. He has a side bag.

GUARD

Next up please.

PASSENGER

Sir, in order to not waste your time I must inform you that your scanner will sound its alarm when it passes my bag, and that is because inside of my bag is located the R&B singer Bobby Brown.

GUARD

Look, whatever you REALLY have in your bag I'm gonna have to check out so just save me some time and show me.

PASSENGER opens his bag. GUARD looks.

GUARD

I'll be damned, that's Bobby Brown.

PASSENGER

Indeed.

GUARD

How'd you get Bobby Brown in there?

PASSENGER

I have a shrinking ray.

GUARD

And you shrunk Bobby Brown?

PASSENGER

It was not my intention. I was eating at my favorite cafe in Mount Kisco, NY which is called "The Morning Nook." I intended to merely shrink my croissant. But just as I fired the shrinking ray, Bobby Brown walked into the path of the beam.

GUARD

Bobby Brown was in Mount Kisco, NY?

PASSANGER

Yes. He has an aunt who lives there.

GUARD

Did you shrink the croissant too?

PASSENGER

Yes.

GUARD

Let me see that.

PASSENGER shows bag.

GUARD

There it is.

PASSENGER

Yes.

GUARD

Is there some risk of Bobby Brown combining with the croissant?


PASSENGER

You mean like in The Fly, where the scientist merges bodies with the fly?

GUARD

That's right.

PASSENGER

I don't think that's physically possible.

GUARD

Hmmm. Okay, you can pass.

PASSENGER

You're not going to scan me?

GUARD

My gut tells me a guy as honest as you isn't hiding anything. Go ahead.

PASSENGER

Thank you, kind sir.

PASSENGER walks on out. GUARD 2 approaches.

GUARD 1

(to GUARD 2)

Ernie, I just saw the craziest thing...

GUARD 2

Save it! The National Transit Safety Commission just released a warning -- there's a band of terrorists who are using Tiny R&B singers to hijack airplanes!

GUARD 1

Shit!

NARRATOR

Remember: Tiny R&B singers are the work of terrorists. Enjoy country music, won't you? This message brought to you by Friends of Loretta Lynn. Not the Loretta Lynn you're thinking of -- she'd never stoop to crazy and mean stuff like this. She is a good person.

BLACKOUT