THE FOREVER PHONE
A man enters the office holding a coffee mug and sits at his
desk. He notices something on his phone. He picks up his phone and hits a key.
PHONE
Welcome to Audix voice mail. Please enter your password.
MAN hits 6 beeps.
PHONE
Thank you. To hear your voice mail messages, press one.
MAN hits one beep.
PHONE
Thank you. You have -- ONE -- new message and -- FIVE --
saved messages. To hear your NEW messages, press ONE.
MAN hits one beep.
PHONE
Thank you. First voice message. Message sent -- TODAY -- at 4:15pm -- from -- "Jacyln" To listen to this message press ONE.
MAN hits one beep.
PHONE
You have chosen to --- LISTEN -- to your voice message. If
that's correct, please hit ONE again. If that's not correct hit NINE.
MAN hits one beep.
PHONE
Thank you. You have chosen to LISTEN to this message. Message
playing.
JACLYN MESSAGE
HelLO there! Listen, sexy, O'Hale's is closed so we have to
meet up at a different spot. How about Mulligans? I forget the address but just
call them for the address , they're number is...
PHONE
(interrupting)
You are currently listening to your FIRST new message. To
continue listening, press TWO. To REPLAY this message from its beginning,
press ONE. To skip this message...
MAN is bewildered. He presses one beep.
PHONE
You have chosen to REPLAY this message. (MAN is frustrated,
he menat to hit TWO) Message replaying.
JACLYN MESSAGE
HelLO there! Listen, sexy, O'Hale's is closed so we have to meet up at a different spot.
PHONE
I'm sorry but it seems you are -- RELISTENING -- to your
message. If you would prefer to SKIP this message, press NINE. If you would
prefer to continue listening to it, press ONE THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED AND NINETY
EIGHT.
MAN enters four beeps.
PHONE
I'm sorry, I don't understand what you dialed. Please try
again.
MAN enters four beeps.
PHONE
I'm sorry, I don't understand what you dialed. Please try again.
MAN enters four beeps.
PHONE
I'm sorry, I don't understand what you dialed. To hear more
options, press STAR.
MAN enters one beep.
PHONE
Main menu. To listen to your messages, press ONE.
MAn enters one beep.
PHONE
You have ZERO new messages and SIX saved messages. To listen
to your saved messages, press TWO.
MAN enters one beep.
MOM MESSAGE
Harry, this is your mother -- could you call me, I think the
email you sent me broke my computer...
PHONE
I'm sorry, it appears this message is ANNOYING. If you would
like to delete this message, press SEVEN. To keep this message...
MAN enters one beep.
PHONE
Message deleted. Next message.
CREDIT CARD MESSAGE
Hello, this is Citibank. You still haven't answered our
CUSTOMER SURVEY...
PHONE
I'm sorry, it appears these messages are BULLSHIT. Would you
like to skip to the message you were listening to before? If no, press 1. If
not no, press the next highest number.
MAN thinks, enters one beep.
PHONE
Replaying most recent message.
JACLYN MESSAGE
HelLO there! Listen, sexy, O'Hale's is closed so we have to meet up at a different spot.
PHONE
If this is the message you wanted to hear, press ONE.
MAN enters one beep.
JACLYN MESSAGE
...How about Mulligans? I forget the address but just call them for the address , they're number is (breaking up) 87X-4XX2.
PHONE
End of Message. To save the message, press NINE. To erase this message press SEVEN.
MAN stares ahead.
PHONE
To hear an AUDIBLE version of the phone number of that last
message, press ONE.
MAN excitedly presses number.
PHONE
Just kidding. We are unable to create audible versions of
inaudible messages. Good-bye.
MAN hangs up. He leans over
MAN
Jaclyn? Where is it you wanted to go?
JACLYN enters.
JACLYN
Mulligans. Spring and Corning.